Less than 5

I called in for my results this morning.

Less than 5.

Negative.... tears... and I'm at work.

I guess I thought that because AF hadn't arrived I still had a chance. Normally AF confirms the truth and pretty much on schedule. One other time I was late too.
I feel awful. I'm so disapointed this try didn't work. I had 2 perfect follicles that both released. What is wrong with me?
I e-mailed to find out my donor's availability but I haven't heard back yet. I can't even imagine being on donor #5. I hope I can still buy more.

Insurance

D contacted her insurance company today. Her renewal is at the end of February for April 1st. We originally thought we’d have $4000 but our coverage is only $3000. The $3000 is per lifetime for fertility medication (which means 1 try) and there is no other coverage for the IVF procedure. I’m completely annoyed that D’s coverage includes $500 per-year-for life for Erectile dysfunction but only $3000 total for infertility. I’m glad to know the men at her work will have a lifetime supply of Viagra!!!!!! It’s clear who prioritized THIS policy.

BTW, Still no AF. What a bugger being late this month (although not a first). I went in for my bloodwork today. This is my first time ever going for the BETA. Do I still feel a glimmer of hope? Yes. Am I in denial? Yes.

IVF etc

D will be contacting her insurance provider tomorrow to find out if they cover IVF meds and to confirm her company is still on an annual renewal. I'm not sure how much information we'll be able to get from them since we do not know what meds I'll take but we're just investigating at this point. I'm going to have to move over to her insurance regardless because her insurance covers $4000 for infertility treatments (over a lifetime). My insurance is awful and doesn't even cover Clomid so $4000 sounds amazing. The only good thing about my insurance is the $700/year health spending account. Thankfully I'll retain that when moving over. I was certain D's company was on a 2 year renewal plan but D thinks it is a 1 year renewal that is up in March. That would work out well for us to try an IVF cycle in April or May. In the meantime I plan to stick with IUI otherwise I have no chance for a baby in 2009.
I really want to yell at my KD right about now. We had intended on trying again in October before he screwed us over by deciding he wanted nothing to do with a resulting pregnancy. I really wanted to try with a KD. I didn't want to be forced back into the clinic using a sperm bank only to find out our donor was sold out (even though I'm happy with our new donor). God, I hope something GOOD happens soon because I'm really fed up.
I spent a good 45 minutes on the phone this afternoon recording my results from my previous 3 cycles. I hope that will help move things along and I will not have to monitor at the new clinic. An interesting note was that my LH surge was 18 on cycle #6. Normally it is much higher (in the 40-50 range). I wonder if this somehow impacted the timing and made the difference? I've always ovulated between 7:00 am the day of my first IUI and 7:00 am the day of my second IUI so I'm not sure what this could mean but something did work that time.
I'm going in for my Beta tomorrow because I want to stop taking my progesterone. So far no AF but many BFN.

Christmas

I was determined to not let a BFN ruin Christmas and it hasn't. I thought I'd be more upset but I think I'm just completely worn out by this process and no longer have the strength to be upset by it.
Christmas Eve
We both had to work Christmas Eve but we were out of work by noon. I hope the same will hold true for New Years eve! We had the entire afternoon to prepare for a trip into Hamilton and Burlington to visit our family. First up was seeing D's mom. Due to the family drama we had to see her Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day. She was going to be at D's brother's house for Christmas and we're not allowed there! She got us a new Dishwasher!!
Afterwards we went to my father's house. He has an open house on Christmas Eve which is a lot of fun. My Aunt was there (mom's sister) and I can't even believe the present she gave me! About 13 years ago my Nana had given me a heart shaped locket. It was a present from her brother to her on on her 18th birthday. My mom was so upset and she refused to let me keep it. She said my Nana had said she could have it. Well my Nana passed away in March 2005 followed by my Papa in September 2007. My mother and her sisters sorted out the estate and in the end I was left with nothing. I asked my mother about the locket many times and she kept saying she didn't know where it was. I had actually given up on it. Imagine my surprise when my Aunt gave me the small box. I wasn't sure if it was going to be the locket but it was! She said that I was meant to have it. I asked if my mother would be upset and she told me "never mind, this was meant to be yours". Could anyone ask for a better present? I love it so much!
D and I then spent the night at my dad's so that I could be with my brother when he opened his presents.
Christmas Day
My brother slept in until 7:45 am. What a relief! We thought for sure he'd be up at 5:00 am. The morning was very hectic. My brother loved the Guitar Hero for DS I bought him. He loved it so much I think it may have been his favourite present (much to the dismay of my parents). D and I were spoiled as usual. We got a Wii Fit (I've known about that for months), a new blender, a Fire Box and a bunch of other cool stuff. We stayed for Christmas Dinner before heading home. Since we normally go to my dad's for Christmas we open presents Christmas night. We were supposed to only have bought stocking stuffers this year because of New York City but we didn't follow that rule. The good news is that I think we maintained a reasonable budget and didn't got crazy. D got me an American Girl Doll. Yes, it's silly but I've always wanted one. Anyway, she got me Kit because I look most like her.


D got me the movie Kit Kittridge as well. Sort of as a joke because of the doll but it is a cute movie. I also got Mamma Mia on Blu-ray and was pleased to see it came with a digital copy for my iPod Touch. I got D American Idol for PS3, Guitar Hero World Tour, Sleeping Beauty and the first Season of Chuck on Blu-Ray.
Boxing Day
Christmas is exhausting. I slept most of the day on Boxing day but we had to return our rental car (bummer). Since we returned it at Union Station we walked through the mall (Eaton Centre) on our way home. It was sooooo busy! I had bought D a $30 gift Card to Future Shop so she could buy a new Sims game but it was just too busy to even think about shopping. We went home instead and started watching our new movies and played American Idol.

It's back to work on Monday. Oh well. I'm looking forward to New Years Eve because we have tickets to see the Raptors. Only a few more days!

13 DPI

Still BFN...

Excuses are coming in my mind. Like I remember my Christmas Ticker saying 11 days until Christmas when I went in for my first IUI so I feel like today is not actually 13 DPI but I count on my calendar and it tells me I'm 13 DPI. I also hold out a bit of hope since my Ovidrel BFP which was less than 48 hours after the trigger was a super faint line when I've read others testing 6 to 7 days later to "get rid of the HCG". I wonder if I'm one of those people who will get a late BFP on a HPT (or none at all). Ultimately I know these are just excuses for a BFN. My blood test is scheduled for Monday.

Through all of this D has completely lost faith in my ability to get pregnant. It makes me so sad. She thinks we need to move on to IVF. She says this like IVF will be a walk in the park for me. I don't think she gets how much my body has already been through for this process. I need to call my insurance provider (Sunlife) to see if they'll cover injectibles. So far they have not covered Clomid or Progesterone so I doubt it. I wish D was in a position to carry because I'm sick of being the one responsible for ruining our dreams of having children. I'm also sick of constantly feeling like I've done something wrong during the 2WW to make the pregnancy not stick.

I have an appointment with the new clinic on January 13th so we'll be sitting out January. Our only option otherwise was to do an unmedicated cycle since our current clinic will be closed on my Day 3. I feel like a lost cause so there is no point for an unmedicated cycle. If I can't get pregnant with 2 great follicles then letting me go natural seems like a waste of sperm.

This SUCKS.
Fuck You 2008. What a year of disappointment.

11 DPI - BFN

Here we go again...

10 DPI

I haven’t been online because D and I were in NYC. We had fun although it was very, very cold. I’ll do a write-up of the trip (with pictures) later.

I just realized that I’m in the home stretch of the 2WW. For some reason I thought I was at 8 or 9 DPI but today is actually 10 DPI. I’ve tested twice but not for obsessive reasons. The first was less than 48 hours after I took the Ovidrel shot. I wanted to see what a BFP looked like. The line was there but I expected it to be darker. It looked exactly like my BFP in July. The second try was on Monday morning. I wanted to make sure all of the HCG was gone and it was.

Now that I know its 10 DPI I’m itching to test for real and may pick up some P-sticks tonight. When I got the BFP in July I was having symptoms and right now I feel pretty normal. I am hoping and praying that this is the try that works. We haven’t really discussed what to do next if it is a BFN. I don’t even want to think about that.

2WW

I'm at 3/2 DPI right now and I'm feeling pretty numb. We're talking about names and are joking about twins but deep down I'm preparing myself for a BFN.
Way back in the spring my friend told me she was pregnant. She conceived on the cycle of my 5th try with a due date a few days off what mine would have been. That was the last cycle I checked due dates. It's just too upsetting when they come and go.

Time goes by so quickly - she had her daugther on Monday. Honestly, I feel like I've been left behind by so many people and it will never be my turn.

1 DPI

I'm just back from my second IUI. BOTH follicles released.
Now I sit and wait.
I've got plenty to keep me busy with traveling to NYC and Christmas of course. My official day for my pregnancy test is December 28th!

I hope and pray this one works!

0 DPI

I had my first IUI this morning at 11:30 am. I liked the doctor who performed it because she was extremely gentle.
My LH was still on the low side, only 45. Normally I'm much higher for the first IUI. Needless to say I do not regret having the second vial for tomorrow - at all. Two insemination's is a really hard habit to break.
We are hemorrhaging money right now. Just today I spent $100 on the Ovidrel shot and $144 on Progesterone. Add to that another $150 to reactivate my cellphone and pay my past due bill. I forgot that I had a pre-auth payment plan so when I lost my wallet back in October I didn't give them my new Visa number. I actually thought the payment was coming out of my debit account but everything is so automated I missed it.
I hope someone gives us money for Christmas!!

bleh

"Bleh" describes how I feel.
I went to the clinic for 12:30 and when put in the room waiting for the Doctor I started to cry so hard. I sat there crying and crying.
When she finally came in I was a wreck. My LH was 28 which means I'm surging now. She said I could take my Ovidrel right away (which I did) and I was told to go back in tomorrow for my first IUI. I may end up doing 2 since I have the extra vial.
Do you ever have a cycle where you think it's so good you better not fuck it up? This is the first time I've had such great follicles. The last two cycles were almost canceled because I performed so badly and had cysts.
As I cried to my Doctor "I just want this time to work so badly" but doesn't everyone? She tried to make me feel better by telling me one of her Lesbian couples just got pregnant. Yeah, that didn't make me feel all that great. I know it's possible for Lesbian couples to get pregnant. I just want to know why this one (ME) can't! I had really hoped that triggering would help. I'm not even sure it matters now since I've surging on my own.
Sigh.
I'm going to go and try to relax now... which means I'm going to sleep.

I hate this process

I think I may have said that a few times.
So I go in today and the woman at the blood lab who knows me pretty well since this is my 9th monitored cycle asked if "today was the day" . When I said no she looked puzzled and told me my LH went up yesterday. Following this the u/s tech told me she could tell I was about to ovulate because of fluid build up. She asked if it was my day for my IUI and when I said no she suggested I talk to the nurse.
Can anyone really blame me for being so confused? I'm on the verge of tears. Here comes the TTC hysteria again.
Luckily the doctor who is performing the IUI appointments today is my doctor. I talked to the nurse (I think she hates me) and asked if I could sign-up to speak with the doctor and see my results. She said I could so I'm going back at 12:30. The last thing I want to hear is that my LH is high and go in tomorrow to see that I've ovulated.
On one hand I do not want to do this because I feel like I shouldn't be questioning authority. I feel like I could mess up my cycle by not trusting them. On the other hand I think it can't hurt to at least ask the questions and see my results. After all, I have reason to be worried because they have missed my ovulation in the past so I know it can happen.
I also ordered a second vial of sperm which is on the road RIGHT NOW to arrive at my clinic at 11:00 am. Therefore if my LH is high today, I'll inseminate, trigger and go back in for a second IUI tomorrow. Even if my LH is low today and I decided to trigger and go in tomorrow I will not regret having the second vial. This was the last unit they had on hand for this donor and if this cycle does not work I'll want to try with him again anyway so we'll just send it back and store it. It's a win-win situation in my opinion.
I've also decided that this is the last try at this clinic. I had thought about switching doctors but I already have a referral to a second clinic. For the longest time I kept talking myself into thinking it's not so bad but then I get into a cycle and want to trust them and I get mixed signals. There is a huge barrier at this clinic between patient and doctor. You ask your doctor a question and they say they can't answer it because your file is with cycle monitoring, you ask the cycle monitoring nurse a question and she tells you to speak to your doctor.
I think I need a smaller setting so I've switched to a clinic that is not "cattle call". I've heard good things about it. It may cost more but at this point I do not care. How can you put a price tag on trust and comfort? I e-mailed them today and asked for an appointment in the new year. I am not saying this cycle is a write-off because I do not think it is. Really, it's another win-win situation. I either get pregnant and cancel the consultation or I get to go to a new clinic by my next cycle.

More bitching

I'm really upset that my IUI is not tomorrow. I don't understand the point of the trigger if they're going to wait for my LH surge anyway? If I ovulate before Saturday I'm going to be really pissed off because this was a perfect try. Two great follicles!! Ugh.
THIS is the reason that I wanted to use a known donor. It's the only way you can have access to sperm outside of a fertility clinic in Canada and the only way to have any control over the process.

For crying out loud...

Why won't they let me trigger?????
I just got my results and my LH is 6, Estrogen 1452, follicles 2.0 Right, 2.0 Left.
WTH!!! Tomorrow is my 6th day in a row at the clinic and I'm exhausted.
Am I missing something or isn't the point of the Ovidrel trigger to induce ovulation in the absence of an LH surge? My follicles are 2.0 cm!! What's the problem?

I am so annoyed.

Also, my LH is known to skyrocket out of nowhere. LH 6 is a jump from LH4. That is an indication it is starting to rise.

Once again... for crying out loud!!!

And we keep on monitoring....

I have my Ovidrel in hand and I wish they had told me to use it today. By the sounds of it they are going to trigger me tomorrow. I'm certain I'm close to surging on my own so I'm hoping that will show in my b/w tomorrow and I'll trigger just to ensure both follies pop. I have a 1.9 follicle on the left and right. Twins, baby, twins! That would be too funny after all these months of stress that I'd get pregnant with twins. I think we'd be done and I'd be OK with that!
D is sick and I'm starting to feel like I'm coming down with something too. I hope I get it ASAP if I'm going to. I don't want a bug to interfere with NYC.
In other topics, Christmas Shopping - I'm now officially done.
I had to buy my brother a couple of "fun" things to add to his gift. I bought him Guitar Hero for Nintendo DS after giving up on Lego since it is so expensive. I also got him a Crayola Star Wars colour explosion kit and the book Guitar Heaven which tells you about different guitars and who has made them famous. I already had a couple of shirts and a Star Wars reference guide.
I bought D a few things as well but I'm not going to post that on here because she may be reading!! Of course we're not supposed to be buying presents but I'm ignoring that!

Results

I'm not surging. My LH was only 4 today and my lead follicle is 1.9 cm. It drives me nuts when the u/s techs make comments because I'm a worrier. The one piece of advice that really irks me is when people tell me to "relax" and let it happen. Anyone going through this knows there is nothing relaxing about ttc using a fertility clinic. That said my 4 month TTC vacation has rejuvinated me and I am taking things more in stride. When I went to speak with my RE's receptionist to ask about the trigger shot I did not freak out. When she told me to speak to the cycle monitoring nurse I decided to leave. I left because I knew that seeing the nurse wouldn't get me anywhere and it wasn't wort the stress. Well lo and behold guess what the nurse instructed me over voice mail this afternoon? She told me to pick up my Ovidrel tomorrow so that I have it for when I'm instructed to use it. This is pretty much proof that they are NOT on top of things. My questioning this morning clearly woke someone up because Ovidrel has been on my protocol for 3 cycles and this is the first time I've been given any instructions. I told D that if this is another BFN we really need to go to a different clinic. I know it's going to be a pain to transfer my file and start over again but the place I'm at is a lost cause. Needless to say I will not be sending them a baby picture to put up as a success story. A poopy diaper, maybe.

O.M.G.

This morning really sucked. I told D I wasn’t in the mood to jockey for a spot on the elevator before 7:00 am so we decided to arrive at 7:00 am instead (when the clinic opens). That meant I’d be about 12th on the list and need to wait about 30 min to get in for my u/s. The women at my clinic are early risers and usually get there well before the clinic opens. So we get there at about 7:05 and the fire alarm is ringing and it’s clear that nobody has made it upstairs. The lobby was packed! We waited and waited and waited until we were told at 7:30 that it would be another half an hour. By this point the lobby was overflowing with hormonal women with blackberry/cells in hand that were typing away and calling their offices saying they’d be late. Naturally when the elevators finally started working everyone wanted to be the first on.
In the end it seemed like the fertility gods were on my side. When I finally got upstairs to the clinic the sign-up sheet for u/s was not on the u/s desk so everyone was running to the blood lab. Since blood takes about 5 min and u/s about 15 I waited to sign-up for the u/s first. Lucky thing I did because I was top 10 on the u/s list and top 20 for blood work. I got into both in a reasonable amount of time and was out of there by 8:30.
As for my u/s, it caused me stress. The tech asked if I was having my IUI today. I hate when they do that! Of course I now think I’m going to ovulate before my IUI. I’m trying to stay calm. I bet I won’t be having a trigger shot again this cycle. I’m pretty sure my call today will tell me I’m surging and my IUI will be tomorrow. Darn it all.

CD 13 and Growing

I have nothing much to say today but wanted to record my results. The follies are growing and are 1.7, 1.6, 1.5 & 1.5 cm. Thankfully one good thing about having a single IUI is that its easier to hide the appointment when its on a work day.

I'm off to watch How I met Your Mother and to eat dinner!

Good News

Wow, it feels like such a long time since my body has done something so perfect! When I wasn't on Clomid my cycles were identical. I could count on ovulating on CD15 and my follicles (1 per try) grew at the expected rate of 0.2 cm per day. Then presumably clomid screwed that up with my last 2 monitored cycles being disastrous.
That said, I was really upset leaving the clinic this morning because I saw my chart and thought my follicles for CD12 were 1.0, 1.0, 0.9cm. Shiteous development. I was worrying the whole way home that I was a lost cause and I'd somehow irrevocably messed with my cycle... I'd never get pregnant!
Well.... not so! I was reading Friday's results! My results for today were 4 follicles: 1.4, 1.4, 1.3 and 1.2 cm. Officially the BEST clomid results to date! The 1.2 cm follicle may not catch up but I have at least 2 follies growing at the same rate! HOLY CRAP!!!! Needless to say I'm thrilled!!
As for the metformin - I've had no side effects. My doctor has me tapering on adding 500 mg per week so right now I'm only on 500 mg. It feels so good to finally be starting this protocol. I do admit I'm still skeptical over what it's going to do since 1) I already ovulate on my own and 2) I have regular cycles. We shall see! For now I'm on a happy follicle high! It looks like I'll get to inseminate before the end of the week!

I took the Pill....

And I liked it...
I lie. I didn't like it. I've be fretting over it since August but that damn pill is in my tummy and better be making baby magic!
My results for CD10 were vague and the nurse spent most of her voice recorded update making the point that I switched donors. She said something about my follicles being 1.0 cm but didn't say how many or where. This would be normal for me since I would start going into the clinic on CD12 and see a follicle at about 1.2 cm. Of course, that is "normal" when I wasn't taking clomid. I swear that stuff does not work for me!
Anyway.. she made this huge deal that the donor I'm using is different than the one in July and repeated the donor number 3 or 4 times. She also told me about 5 times that I had to resign my donor consent form because "I had switched donors". I'm going to be a big girl and go in and sign the consent form and I'm not going to make any comments towards their inconsistent policies. The petty side of me would LOVE to point out that this is my 4th donor and the first time they've asked me to re-sign my donor consent form.

Oh well. I'm on Metformin now and I'm going to get pregnant this time with the donor I really like and I'm going to tell them to stuff it..... and I'll never go back. hehe

Another step toward Metformin

Maybe if I trusted my doctor I'd be more willing to try Metformin? Well after reading Queerstork's last blog entry (thank you for the inspiration/motivation) I decided to go and fill that darn prescription. I was sooooo confident all the way to the drugstore and even coming home. I thought I'd take the first pill tonight!
but...now I have it at home now and I'm about to walk it upstairs to hide it in the linen closest (away from D who will force me to take it). Why does this drug sound so freakin' scary to me? The paper they gave me with all the scary warnings tells me to wear a medic alert bracelet. Why?

I googled "Metformin and TTC" and I got pages of women thanking Metformin for helping regulate their cycle (and a few pages about the aforementioned scary side effects). I have a regular cycle. I've NEVER missed a period. We know someone how had great success with Metformin (she's on her 2nd pregnancy), so who knows, maybe it would work?

Donor History

Clearly the most difficult part of our TTC has been selecting our donor. We've used 3 donors with Fairfax and are moving on to our first Xytex donor. We also had plenty of Known donor drama but I'm not going to get into that. I'm utterly shocked that we've switched donors 3x already and even more shocked that I'm not completely freaking out about it. I didn't want ANY sperm. I was aiming for immaculate conception.

Donor #1 - D's #1 choice, my #2 choice. Purchased 8 vials in July 2007. Used for Try #1-#4. Sold back 3 unused vials when told this donor was becoming extinct. I've been in contact with a mom who used this donor and she has indicated he is no longer available in the US however he is still listed as available in Canada. I do not regret selling him back.
Note: This is a deceiving baby picture. He actually had brown hair and hazel eyes as an adult.




Donor #2 - My #1 choice, D's #2 choice. Purchased 2 vials in March 2008. Used for try #5. I really liked this donor but his count and motility was much lower than Donor #1. We also were starting to feel guilty about not using an Open ID donor (thanks Oprah) and decided that if this try was a BFN we'd switch to our Open ID selection, Donor #3.






Donor #3 - 3rd choice. 2 vials purchased June 2008. Used for Try#6 - Chemical pregnancy/False Positive. We attempted to buy more for Try #7 however he is completely sold out. Not a surprise considering Fairfax has an extremely limited selection of Open ID donors. My feelings on this donor are mixed. I felt I had to try him. Ironically he may be the one that had worked.

FX for Lucky #7 - Donor #4

He's not choice #4. He's a new chapter in our Journey and our #1 choice in that journey. We both feel he meets our criteria better than the other 3 donors combined. He is left Handed (like D) and has detached earlobes (like D) and has the right hair colour and complexion (like D). Its funny that something as small as detached earlobes would ever be something to consider as criteria in selecting a donor but since I have attached earlobes D felt strongly our donor should have detached.

I really hope he is the one!!

Sonohystogram

I'm back from my Sonohystogram and it went well. I've had one before so I knew what to expect. It did hurt a bit more this time but I think that may be because it was my Doctor performing the procedure and I think she's a bit rough inserting the catheter. I only say this because of the 9 IUI's I've had only 1 has hurt and it was the one my own RE performed. Go figure.
Anyway... I feel like I'm being very productive this cycle and I can't wait until Friday to see how many follicles I have. We've rented a car this weekend because chances are I'll be at the clinic Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning. My RE has been good with the last couple of cycles and has given me a bit of a break however she used to have me in every single cycle day past 10 to monitor. We're also helping our friend move into her new condo and I'm going to visit my parents. I could have taken the TTC to my friends but it involved a cross city subway and a bus. I also could have taken a bus to see my family but although I love public transportation I hate riding the bus!! I define public tranist as a Streetcar, Subway or Train. One day I should write about the time I took a RETURN bus to Florida (36 hours each way).
I'm going to go take a nap. I'm really feeling the gravol and motrin. I can barely keep my eyes open!

Sleepless

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights. I checked and apparently insomnia can be a symptom of Clomid. I wonder if that's it? I'm working from home tomorrow so at least I do not have to get up early.
To pass the time I have been searching people on Facebook to see what they are up to. I haven't requested a lot of friends and I've ignored more than a few requests. I prefer to lurk.
Through the years I've had 4 or 5 "best friends". I've kept casually in contact with them. Its strange for me to lurk around and see the same old cliques hanging out together. Like when I see pictures of a baby shower and it is a flashback from High School with all the same people. Maybe if I hadn't moved to Toronto I'd still be hanging around the same friends? Honestly, I doubt it.
Anyway.. we'll see what happens on Friday night when I visit my parents. I'm stopping by my friends birthday party and I know there will be a few faces I recognize. Maybe this is my opportunity to reconnect with High School friends.... or not!

Oh, and have I mentioned my other little hobby while not sleeping??
MESSING UP MY BLOG TEMPLATE.
I can't seem to get the Pyzam layouts to work and my HTML skills belong in 1998. I'm pretty useless here.

Christmas Decorating

D and I put up our Christmas tree today! Here's a picture:
We also went to the mall. I got a hoodie from Aéropostale because there was a good sale. D bought a couple of tops for going to see shows in NYC. Speaking of NYC we switched our hotel on Friday. We ended up getting an amazing deal on a hotel in midtown that I've always wanted to stay at. We were going to be staying on the upper west side (96th) which was the best deal we could find at them time. Actually it was the ONLY deal we could find at the time. It seems that the recent negative press due terrorist threats may have worked in our favor as tourists who will not cancel our plans. Of course I'm not pleased with what is happening but mostly because I have seen what increased security looks like in NYC and frankly its a bit scary itself. Safe is good but it does take away a bit of the festive feeling when you see machine-gun-toting soldiers.

CD 3

Some things never change.
The clinic seemed busier than ever this morning. D was grumpy. I was tired. I also went in without a full bladder and had to endure a painful u/s to make up for it. I am such a bad Day 3. I think making someone hold their Pee after waking up is cruel. It's a reflexive action to get up and pee in the morning. Sorry, but I just can't hold it and wait for an u/s! Of course (as usual), the water I gulped down to "refill" didn't fully hit me until on the subway and halfway to work.
Oh and the u/s tech asked me if I had PCOS. bleh. I'm so happy be back! My results? 10 small follicles on the left, 10 on the right. I've been cleared for 100mg of Clomid to start on Sunday. I'm trying to decide if I should start at night or in the morning. I have to go back and see which worked best for me.
Anyway...
... my coworker came past work with her 9 month old daughter. She was sooooo cute. I am NOT the type to be all over a child I do not know unless I'm related or good friends with the parents (I think it's weird when people maul children they do not know). However when my coworker asked me to hold her I just about melted. She was so sweet. Sigh. Too adorable. My co-worker is Chinese and while holding her daughter I actually thought "I wonder what would happen if we used an Asian donor"? THAT is how designer babies are made. The possibilities are endless with ART. It's kind of crazy.

Lucky 7

I'm official on try number 7.
AF arrived on time on the 26th and I've booked all of my appointments and ordered our unit of spermies.
I've switched to Xytex and it ended up being $70 cheaper than Fairfax due to a combination of the sperm and shipping being less expensive. They also do not require notarization for using Open ID so technically we saved an additional $50. I wonder why Fairfax requires notarization? I thought it was a regulation they were following but I guess not.
I really like the donor we've selected. I like him more than our previous three so I hope he is the "one". In fact I think I can say now that I didn't like our last donor. Last month I was nervous about trying again and when we found out our donor was sold out I was upset but also relieved. With our 1st and 2nd choice donors I was always picturing what our little one would look like. With our 3rd donor I was really stressing out about him. I was worried our child would look too much like him, etc. Something was just rubbing me the wrong way. With the new donor I'm back to that giddy feeling again when I think about our baby. This is a good thing. I really can't say how off and horrible I felt on my last cycle. I want lucky #7 to be the one!!!

Metformin is a Go!

The prescription is in the mail and I'm so (not) excited to try it but will do what it takes. I wonder if my insurance will cover it? My Clomid and Progesterone are not covered.
Speaking of Clomid. My RE wants me to go on 150 mg. I'm confused because it seems to be doing nothing at all and its possible it screwed up my cycle. My first 2 rounds were promising @ 50 mg but I only had 1 follicle both times. Since I'm able to ovulate and can create follicles around 1.9/2.0 on my own I figured the only benefit would be increased number of follicles. After 2 rounds of 50 mg I went up to 100 mg and my cycle was all wonky but I guess it did work. I'm not ready to go to 150 mg. I do not want multiples. Not even twins.

4 random thoughts

1) Work Holiday Party - Our work party was on Friday night and up until Thursday I hadn't planned on going. That was until I was at my friends desk when her manager came up and gave me a ticket and begged me to join them. I figured there was no harm in going and in the end I'm glad I went! Our work parties have normally been held in nightclubs where dinner was a set of food stations and you would wander around mingling with your coworkers. Not so much fun in my opinion especially when you are trapped in a dark nightclub with loud music. This year they did a sit down formal dinner. It was pretty much the same as any wedding reception that I've been too. The food was beyond amazing including the Tiramisu in a chocolate shell dessert. OMG, amazing. The DJ was good and everyone had a really great time. They had a great midnight buffet that included several large jars of candy. Watching your coworkers and directors get sloshed is a lot of fun. Normally I do not stay for the entire event but this year it was worth it.

2) New York City - When we had originally booked our mini-vacation to NYC we had decided we would not be seeing any shows. Of course this was never going to happen but we said it anyway. Afterall, we've been to NYC over a dozen times and we always see shows. This time we were going to see the Christmas lights. YEAH RIGHT. We're totally going to see the lights and windows but the shows crept in slowly. First we decided that we had to see the Rockettes at Radio City. We booked an early show on the day we're set to drive home. Crazy? Totally. Next up I searched to see if there were any Spring Awakening on stage tickets available. There were. I begged D but she said no because she doesn't want to see the show again (we've seen it 3x). That led to arguing that there really weren't any shows we wanted to see except for Equus (aka Harry Potter's play). Next thing you know we have tickets to Equus. But that is on our first night so it's OK because we'll still have the complete next day to see lights and display.
Ha!
That was until this morning when I logged onto Facebook and got a discount code for Fuerzabruta. $39 tickets - you can't beat that and I've been wanting to see this show desperately since it opened. We've actually been to NYC twice since then but it didn't fit into our schedule. Also, D was so traumatized by De La Guarda (same creators as Fuerzabruta) that she pretty much told me she'd never see it. You'd think after 10 years she'd get over it but as far as I'm concerned if you walk out of a show shaking and are still deeply affected by it several years later it must be good show. De La Guarda was one of the best experiences of my life. I booked 10 pm tickets so that we'd have plenty of time for dinner and sightseeing before the show.
So we went from seeing "no Broadway shows" to seeing Fuerzabruta, Equus and the Rockettes. This is going to be an exhilarating trip!
3) AF - TMI ahead. I woke up yesterday morning and thought I had AF. I even called the clinic and scheduled my Day 3 u/s and b/w. However as the day went on it appeared that it wasn't AF. I have a small cut that was bleeding. I honestly have no idea where this cut came from! I was so embarrassed calling the clinic back to cancel my appointment. I said it was just "spotting". I didn't want to get into the details of my apparently bleeding wound. Hopefully AF shows soon. I was so excited because I need AF to be early this month so we can fit our December try in before the clinic closes for 2 weeks. FX it comes soon!!
4) Twilight - D and I went to see Twilight yesterday afternoon. We both expected it would be awful but to be honest, we really enjoyed it. It's total cheese but if you've read the books you shouldn't be surprised. I know some people are complaining that Kristen Stewart as Bella was "annoying". I agree but I think that is because Bella is annoying so Kristen played the part perfectly. D wants to go again. I think I'll pass but we will buy this on Blu-Ray when it is released.

Here is video of Fuerzabruta. It looks AWESOME. I cant' wait!!

I'm ready

It's been over 3 months since our false BFP/Chemical Pregnancy and I really needed the break. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy but when you get to try #4, #5, #6 and still no luck you feel a level of disappointment that is overwhelming. Up until #6 I felt normal. Now I feel like there is a problem. By try#6 I'd worked myself into near hysteria over getting pregnant so when it almost happened I was so sick with nerves I didn't know what to do with myself.
People keep telling me that I need to relax to let it happen but the fact that I do not like the process will not change. I try to explain this and people don't get it. D and I may both suffer from early wakings but ultimately I'm the one that has to experience a personal and invasive procedure morning after morning.
Hopefully I'm now relaxed and hopefully our new donor works because I really like him.
AF is on its way within the next few days!!!

I'm not done yet....

You know what is really annoying? That my mother found out about our trip to NYC and used that to justify asking for her money back. What does she want? For me to cancel our trip to pay her back? Would she really ask me to ruin my Christmas Plans?

My mother always gets really annoyed when she finds out we're going on a vacation. I've told her numerous times that we work hard for what we have and we choose to spend our money to go on a couple of vacations a year. It's our choice. She really must think we're rich if she thinks we can hand over hundreds of dollars to her on demand. We budget our money. We've just finished our Christmas shopping and are set to buy more sperm in a couple of weeks. She also knows that we have not had good luck lately with Frank's vet bills being over $700 at the end of September and our dishwasher needing replaced. Yes we booked a 2 night trip to NYC (2 freakin' nights) instead of exchanging gifts (which we often go overboard with).

Bleh. Moving on...

Last night we went to Much Music to see the cast of Twilight. D is all into Twilight (the books are OK) and wanted to see Robert Pattinson. It was crrrazy. There were so many screaming girls and it was pouring rain. I gave up and went across the street. I had to get away from it. I ended up going into Tribal Rhythm and I bought a new shirt to put on since mine was soaked. I got some OK pictures of RPatzz for D and then we left. Brrr it was cold. We didn't end up going to the Santa Claus parade because I didn't think I could handle anymore cold weather. Instead we went to the mall which was also crrrazy. It seems like the Christmas season is in full swing.

On that Note: Christmas Meme taken from Stacey & Angele's blog

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I prefer using wrapping paper but I sometimes use gift bags.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial. I like to put the tree up earlier than a real tree would last.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Normally the weekend of the Santa Claus Parade which was this weekend. I'll probably put it up next weekend.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Weekend after New Years.

5. Do you like eggnog?
The Flavour, yes. The drink, no.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
My little Pony stable.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My father. He is so hard to buy for. He always has something to say about presents he receives.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
The kids, that's obvious. Other than that D because she wants so much. Unfortunately I'd go broke if I bought her all of the video games she desires!

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, it's a Precious Moments play set.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mixture.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Can't think of one. I would never tell someone I didn't like a gift - I'd just return it at Walmart (they'll take back anything).

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
One Magic Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Early Fall but I often do not finish until December 24th!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
No - I return them to Walmart.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Pomegranates

16. Lights on the tree?
Lots and Multi-Coloured

17. Favorite Christmas song?
Do they know it's Christmas?

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay at Home. I don't think my Father would ever forgive me if I missed Christmas.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's?
No.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Christmas Night. D and I run around during the day and save our presents for when we get home.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
How busy the malls are.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
Our tree is multi-coloured. We do not have a theme. Pretty much anything that sparkles.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Turkey and stuffing.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A BFP since that will be about when I'm able to test!

My Mother - Part 3

This is going to be long. I'm really in a bad mood.
My mother called last night. I was late getting home from work and D met me at the door saying she was on the phone. I thought she was going trying to catch us before the weekend started so she could chat. Apparently not. I get to the phone and my mother seems surprised that I was home so late and asked me "not to get mad at her" but "could she have her $900 by December" because "she has her taxes to pay and now that she has her new car money is tight". Duh.
I'm really pissed off. She told me when she bought us our TV in May that it was a gift. At the time I was thrilled because she hasn't bought me a present in years (not even a Birthday or Christmas Card). D wasn't so thrilled. She was cautious from the beginning saying that there was no gift my mother could give without strings attached. Boy was she right! While I was assembling the TV my mother commented on how nice her new TV was. WTF?
Within a couple of weeks she asked for the money back. Saying she needed to pay her taxes (first of two yearly payments). I told her we didn't have $900 to spare that we were mid cycle and just paid $1400 for sperm. She said "forget about it".
I know I should just give her the money and let it go but this is about way more than a TV.
My mother is so irresponsible and I'm sick of feeling like I know better than her. I should look to HER for advice but instead I'm stuck dealing with her poor choices.
First - She's spent A LOT of money this year. Just before we went on vacation she bought all new appliances and while we were away she bought herself a new laptop and an iPod. She also just bought a new car.
Second - She's giving away stuff - for free! Her old appliances still worked and she gave them away! She also gave away her queen size bed and mattress.
Third - She's working for GAS MONEY - $20 a day. She's helping this Korean family that owns a bunch of real estate in her town run their grocery store so they can "get out of debt" and become Canadian citizens. And when I say "working" I mean WORKING. She's there every day cooking food for their deli counter making them money and all she gets in return is $20. Part of her job is driving around and buying food for them to sell so she actually uses gas on their behalf so she's not making any money. These people are also the recipients of the stove and refrigerator she gave away.
Where do I start? And why should I? Does my mother need me to tell her that she is on a pension and retired? I'm very sick of telling her she's being used by people who are not less fortunate than her but rather sucky business owners. I'm sick of telling her that she should be PAID and that if her food "sells out" like she brags it does she should start her own catering business and sell her product to the store.
I'm livid that she bought that stupid car. Adding a $300 payment to the budget of a pensioner is stupid and I said exactly that when she asked me for the $900 back in October for the purpose of paying her first 3 car payments. I told her she couldn't afford the car if she was already trying to find money to pay for the payments.
I'm also so sick of the fact that she is being so generous with people who are NOT her family. For all of the appliances and the bed she gave away she could have made a few hundred dollars that apparently she needs.
She's always had her parents to bail her out when she's in need. That must be nice, huh? I often feel like the day I moved out was the last day I was her daughter. I called her out once saying that she's had so much help from her parents over the years and that she's never stopped being their daughter to become my mother. Why can't she see that something as little as a Christmas card would make me happy? Why can't she see that while she's being so generous to other people she's completing ignoring me?
I have not had one hand out and I have never asked for one. Years ago in therapy I had a revelation: If I were to treat my mother as my friend and not a parent I could have a relationship with her. If I expected NOTHING I could never be disappointed. I could live with the way she treated me.
So screw the damn TV! The "birthday present" I thought she gave me. The first "helping hand" I thought she'd given me since I left home.
I guess I'll be mailing out post dated cheques on Monday which she said she'd accept. She said she'd just take the money from her inheritance and then pay it back as I give her the money. In other words she's not SOL for tax money - she just doesn't want to dip into her savings.

Finally...

I don't think I've mentioned this but I finally got my lazy ass to a Lifelab to get my PCOS bloodwork done. What a pain! After finding out I had to sit at the lab for 2 hours I downloaded"Made of Honor" from itunes to watch on my iPod. Watching the movie took up most of the time so the wait wasn't that bad. I also called to get my requisition for a second Sonohystogram which I'll do at the beginning of December. I'm being so productive!!

Also...We've found a new sofa that we both agree on. We didn't even fight in the store! It's simple, not expensive and in a colour that is similar to the couch we have now. It's perfect for us because it has a chaise but it's removable. The chaise has been a big issue because I do not like them. This way we can put the sofa in different positions rather than committing to a left or right chaise and if I don't want it on at all it can be removed and replaced by a square cushion. yay!

Cleaning

I'm taking a break from cleaning. I've completely torn the Kitchen apart. D is freaking out because whenever I clean it looks like a tornado has struck before it gets better. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I think I like getting rid of things more than acquiring them. I'm throwing out so much stuff (including cough syrup with an expiry of 2005- yuck!??!).
I've also attacked our closet and we're donating half of what was in there. We have way too much clothing. Most stay folded by the washer/dryer and never get put away because there is no room where they belong. There's room in the closet now but that's only half the battle. I still have our large dresser which is busting out it's so full of summer clothes. I'm sure we can donate most of it. Again, I'm sure the summer clothes we wore this year are on the 3rd floor in a pile waiting to be put away.
Back to work... before I get in trouble.

NYC...!!

I'm not sure if it was the scent of Wanda's Belgian Waffles pouring onto Yonge Street or going to see Idina Menzel at The Music Hall but D and I had NYC on our minds Friday. Not a good thing! We started talking about going in December and then all of a sudden we had a hotel and car booked. We're going to NYC for Christmas!!!!. I'm thrilled! I've always wanted to see the lights and decorations but for some reason we've never been in late November or December. I'm also hoping we'll get to see Fuerzabruta. I can't wait! Oh, and we're staying in the City. D would never have agreed if it meant commuting from NJ again. That sucked (the commuting part - not NJ).
As for the Idina Menzel show. Idina Menzel was in both RENT and Wicked so she has a following of some really insane fan girls. The BEST part of the show was when the audience started to "MOOOOO" and she responded with "Fuck YOOOUUUUUUU". Mooing is a RENT reference and I'm certain she is so sick of RENT and people mooing at her! The only reason I agreed to go was because D wanted to. She has a goal of seeing all of the Original Broadway Cast of RENT. That may sound obsessive but she isn't all fan girl about it. She only has one cast member left to see, Taye Diggs - Idina Menzel's husband who is currently on Private Practice. Hopefully he'll be on Broadway again soon so we can get this over with.

Catching Up

This weekend has been amazing. We've been doing what we want to do on our schedule! It's great that we've made plans to do so many things lately but it's exhausting. We have 1 more concert to go to and then we've used up the stack of event tickets we've been holding onto. Last weekend was insane. We drove to Auburn Hills (Detroit) to see New Kids on the Block on Saturday night and then came back first thing Sunday morning so we could see SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE in Toronto. Both shows were fun but it left me exhausted for Monday morning! On top of all of that running around this week was not kind to me. I had to work late Tuesday and Wednesday night and then we had tickets to A Chorus Line on Thursday. Needless to say I was so happy by the time Friday came around!
I've been mindlessly blogging for the last little while because I felt too overwhelmed with things that were not going right for us. I was so sick of donor issues and also sick of the problems with my BIL. We have updates on all of the above including a half-ass attempt at trying this cycle. Basically BIL is still not talking to us. It's been over a month and a half since we've heard from him our seen the children. It's breaking my heart but there's nothing we can do and I feel that my MIL is being heartless about it. She'll call and tell us how she's seen the kids or that she took my nephew to a football game. Clearly she doesn't get how much it hurts us that we've been cut out. D has also finally admit that she is upset with her brother and "is not talking to him". We're making no attempt at contact - through Facebook, e-mail or calling.
As for trying this month - we called the clinic and set up our Day 3 monitoring but ended up canceling it after we found out our donor is no longer available. This was the donor we used our last attempt which was a chemical pregnancy so I really felt like "he was the one" and the next time we tried we'd get pregnant. I've been on break for 3 months and in that time I've done nothing to improve my odds. I could have gone on Metformin and I could have lost weight but I didn't. I kept thinking that we were going to use a KD and the "fresh stuff" would be the ticket to getting pregnant. Since our KD (both of them) fell through I at least thought if we tried using the same protocol as our last anonymous donor attempt we'd have a shot. Now without him as well I felt like we'd just be wasting more money and energy on something that wouldn't work.
The good news is that we've selected our next donor and we both really like him. We ended up switching to Xytex because we couldn't agree on another Fairfax donor. Apparently we used the only 3 donors at Fairfax we'd even consider. D likes this new guy a lot because he's left handed like her.
I hate this process so much. The fact that during our time TTC 2 of the donors we've used are now sold out brings up the issue of buying for the future and not just the present. We've already been down this path and I hate that we're on it again. When we first started TTC we bought 8 vials of donor #1. We ended up using 5 and selling back 3. At that point we were using 2 vials per try and try #5 would have used up 2 of our final 3 leaving 1 vial for a future pregnancy. We felt we had no other choice but to sell back and start over with a new donor. At that point we decided to buy "one attempt at a time" and then once pregnant we'd buy several and put them in storage. In retrospect I'm glad we did this because had I bought another grouping of vials only to find out 3 months later our donor would be sold out I'd feel like we were right back to the situation with donor #1.
I guess our issue is that we need to become more disconnected with the anonymous donor we choose. Unfortunately we've already become attached to the donor we hope to use next and I'm not even certain he is available. After 30 minutes and just by reading his essay I was able to identify him "in real life". I always wondered how people were able to find their donors. Clearly Xytex provides more information than Fairfax because it was pretty easy.
Anyway... we're trying to fit a try in December. Our clinic is closed for 2 weeks but my cycle will start in November so I think we'll be able to fit an attempt in. FX.
As for what I'm doing to improve my odds? Well, I'm going on Metformin and I'm cutting carbs. I'm going to be a cranky bitch!!

The Weekend

I would normally say "TGIF" but I had so much work to do this week it would be nice if it was still Wednesday. A Pro and Con of my job is that I work pretty much on my own schedule. I do not have a shift or any set time to be at work as long as I make my meetings and meet my deadlines. I can also work from home whenever I need to. Sometimes this works out well but other times (like now) when a number of deadlines collide it's exhausting. So, it's Friday night and I'll probably be up past midnight and we have a really busy weekend!
Anyway, we have a car this weekend - a Dodge Caliber. After driving the Yaris it feels like a TANK. I wasn't very happy getting this car. I was hoping for a Ford Focus. Oh well. I won't complain yet. That will be after I fill up the tank!
Also, I'm feeling a lot like AF is on its way. I was hoping I had until next week because I haven't made it for my Bloodwork. First it was avoidance and then it was being too busy at work. September and October have been crazy. I'll call on Monday to get myself set-up and I'll do my first round of bloodwork Tuesday and the second Wednesday. I may be back in the game!!

Spring Awakening

Spring Awakening is closing on Broadway and it's not alone. The following shows are all closing/have closed:
RENT
Title of Show
Spamalot
Xanadu
Hairspray
Legally Blonde

A curious note was posted with the article on Playbill.com:
And while our Broadway run will come to an end this January, Spring Awakening will continue to touch audiences across the country, through our national tour, and around the world, with productions soon to open in London, Vienna, Toronto, Helsinki and Seoul."

Are we getting our own sit down production? I had assumed that Mirvish was bringing it as a part of a National Tour and it would only be here for a couple of months. Interesting if true but another failure for an attempt at a long running show. I doubt it will last. It's too bad we didn't get Wicked like Chicago. That would have lasted for a few years.

Spring Awakening Original Broadway Cast - GAP Ad

Winter Solstice

I'm starting to plan my lantern for this years Festival of Lights. I really wanted to go all out and make a very detailed lantern. I've decided on making a fantail goldfish like the ones below. I think I may be biting off more than I can chew but we'll see if I can do it! I can't wait to get started and will post my progress.

Disney etc

We've received our Disneyland vacation planning DVD in the mail and I've been brainwashed big time! It looks like it will be excellent for little ones. Now I need to a) Get Pregnant and b) Get over my debilitating fear of flying so we can go! I doubt our LO will be more than a year before we go the first time. I actually cringe when people say they are waiting until their kids are "8 or 9" so they can "appreciate the vacation". I'm sure our children will be on some form of Disney vacation about 5 times by that age!
The one thing I will wait on is the Disney Cruise. D and I did this a few years ago and had a great time but I'm not going to rush back with a toddler. The schedule is hectic and I doubt we'd be able to keep a little one up for dinner let alone the after dinner show. I would want our child to be at least 6 or 7 years old before we take that vacation.

Something to see

Something to save for another day.. I've never noticed this artwork before:

What's up with that?
Keith-Haringesque art

Q I’ve noticed a few pieces of sidewalk slabs around SoHo that have some Keith-Haringesque art. The one on the corner of Broadway and Prince Street seems to be signed by “Ken ’84.” I love them and worry they’ll be destroyed/removed one day, and wonder, Who is Ken? What happened in 1984?—Michele Perez, East Village

A The man behind the masterpieces is Kenichi Hiratsuka, a native of Japan who moved to NYC in 1982. In those days, the Cold War was on everyone’s mind and Hiratsuka wondered, “What would be left over in human society, just in case humans go extinct?” So he started carving into the city’s sidewalks. Since the artist planned on his work surviving atomic warfare, you can probably quit worrying about the artsy walkways being demolished.

Hiratsuka’s newest sidewalk carving was just completed in February 2008; check it out at 25 Bond Street between Lafayette Street and Bowery. It’s based on the same concept as his earlier works: “If I start carving one continuous line, a spiral, that never crosses itself…just expanding, expanding, expanding, expanding, then I can carve all the earth into a sculpture,” he says.

Legally Blonde The Musical

First off, we are total suckers for punishment. When Legally Blonde the Musical was first announced I was one of those who was crying Broadway blasphemy (that title now goes to Shrek the Musical). However when it opened it was pink and sparkly and I love things that are pink and sparkly. I wanted to see it but not bad enough to pay even TKTS prices.
Then came the MTV show "search for the next Elle Woods". Hook. Line. Sinker. I had to see the show so naturally when I saw it was going to Shea's I thought it was a good compromise. I wouldn't be wasting valuable Broadway viewing hours but I'd still get to see it.
Well.
It was mediocre. Definitely not the worst show I've seen (that would be Disney's On the Line) or even as bad as We will rock You. It had it's moments.... however... it was pretty much what I should have expected from a movie made into a musical. I know the Broadway set was more elaborate so maybe that helped?
That said, what I didn't expect was it to have the following extremely offensive song. I know that this was part of the movie and it was stereotyped there too but it just wasn't anything like this. You have to see it, there's no description.

Fast forward to 4:14....



Anyway... pretty crazy, huh? No wonder this closed on Broadway!
D and I have decided that from now on we probably wont do tours. Most people do not see the difference but a Tour is never the same as the Broadway show. The blocking and set will almost always be different so If you want to see the Broadway show you really should go to NYC. I know that is not realistic but at the very least we stand by our rule to never ever ever see a Non-Equity production.

Buffalo

We're back from our "Shopping/Legally Blonde the Musical" trip to Buffalo.
Shopping was excellent, Legally Blonde was mediocre and slightly offensive. I'll elaborate on Legally Blonde in a separate post but as for shopping... we're almost done for Christmas and got some great deals.

For my Dad - 2 Ralph Lauren Polo shirts & C.O. Bigelow Shaving Cream and Body/Shave Gel. There was an amazing sale at Ralph Lauren, $12.99 for polo shirts. The Shaving Cream/Body wash was buy 1 get one free at Bath and Body Works. I'll buy him some lotto tickets to top this off.

For my Step-mom - 3 Yankee Candle Co. jar candles, PJ's - on sale for $4.98 at Target but quite nice and Slippers from Bath and Body Works. The slippers were also buy one get one free so I got a pair as well! My step-mom is done.

My Brother - So far only a funky hoodie with guitars on it, 50% off at J.C. Penny. I have tons left to buy for him.

My Mother-in-law - A Japanese Cherry Blossom purfume gift set from Bath and Body Works, PJ's (same as my step-mom), 3 picture frames. We have more to buy.

Nephew J - Birthday Present - Nick and Nora PJ's from Target. They look like flannel and are really soft and stretchy with a cowboy theme. Christmas Present - Football Hoodie from The Children's Place, and a Shake N Go playset (Cars).

Nephew E - Birthday Present - Nick and Nora PJ's from Target. Same as Nephew J but different pattern, sock monkey and stars. Christmas Present - Hoodie from Children's Place, and a "Bling, Bling" Lightning McQueen (also Disney Cars). I can't find it online but it's a giant car that has buttons you can press to make sounds and lots of stuff to touch like the rims which spin and and the ability to move his eyes. Nephew E is blind so we wanted to find something with lots of things to touch and buttons to press.

Niece - A - Christmas Present - A cute Hoodie from Target, leggings and a Nick and Nora nightgown. We need to buy her a toy.


Since we're banned from the kids we're buying less than last year. We don't know how my SIL will react to the presents. Hopefully she'll understand the children shouldn't suffer and not throw them out. Normally we go crazy buying clothes for them but this year we won't. When they need/want our help again they can ask.

My family is big on buying for kids, not adults. This means I have a lot of work to get my brother's gifts ready but I can finish up my Dad and step-mom quickly. D's family isn't like that so we'll need to still do some shopping for her mom.

Great...

Our dishwasher is leaking.
We just paid $88 for the repair guy to tell us it's the motor and we'd need to replace the whole thing. He thought it "wouldn't be under $300" so it would probably be cheaper to buy a new machine.
We'll have to see what he says when he calls back with our quote.
I doubt we'll be getting a new one for a few weeks since we're pretty busy and I don't feel like appliance shopping. Maybe if Sears sells Whirlpool brand we'll be able to get one there. That would be easy because it's just downtown.
Damn it. Our luck seems to have run out lately.

KD drama ended

I saw our KD yesterday and told him we would not be needing his services. He seemed very relieved. My guess is he only offered because he's known how hard this has been on me and how upset we were when D's brother was no longer an option. I don't think he fully understood the commitment he was making when he offered.
Also, I didn't want to say it but my BIL would actually be a better option at this point if we were going to use a KD but that is in no way my priority. We're just hoping he calls us back (we've been trying for 2 weeks) so we can try to patch things up. All I want from him is access to his kids. I think he'll fold soon but unfortunately the kids are old enough to report back to mom who they've seen so sneaking around is not an option. I can just see my nephew telling his mom he saw Aunt Jushie (what he calls me) and her having a fit.

Frank

Frank is feeling much better...

I found him in this position when I went upstairs to grab something. I had to run back downstairs to grab the camera and was pleased to see he hadn't moved.
You can see his shaved tail and both shaved arms. Poor boy. Clearly he hasn't been negatively impacted by the recent ordeal. He's a pretty cool cat.

Also...
My little Monster in his Halloween Costume: Frank as Frankenstein! I thought it was brilliant.
I'm sure this was intended for a dog because cats are not usually this accommodating. Frank doesn't seem to complain when I take away his dignity.

Driving, Moving, etc.

The car we have this week is a 2008 Yaris sedan - how appropriate. Although we've driven the hatchback numerous times (it's one of our zipcar choices) this is our first time with the sedan. We were surprised how the trunk space on the sedan really makes up for what the hatchback is lacking and we are enjoying the car.
As for my mom and her new hatchback, what can you do? I wish she'd bought a car with a little more CAR but since she's happy I didn't say anything other than "congratulations".
As for us, since we have a car we've been doing "car things" like going to the drive-in and shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond - which isn't in Downtown Toronto. Having a car makes me feel like I need to leave and go to the burbs. I know there will be a trip to Vaughan Mills. I know it's coming.
We went to visit my parents yesterday. My dad is obsessed with me moving home. We even toured a house that was for sale around the corner from him. He said that he thought his neighbour would be selling soon and said I could move next door to him. I'm not sure how well that would go over when we need to take in my mother after she's spent all her money and needs to move back. I'm sure my step-mom would love that!
The house around the corner (a better distance) was pretty nice. It's a split level with 3 bedrooms and a huge yard attached to my brothers elementary school playground. It needs work to rescue it from the 70's but it had tons of potential like exposed brick walls, a new kitchen and a wood burning fireplace. I love my dad's neighbourhood and living around the corner from him would have a lot of perks - like his hot tub and pool! Unfortunately this is not something we can do right now. We've been talking a lot about moving back but it won't work if we both continue to work in Toronto. We'd need to start looking for jobs first. I tried to explain this to my father but he didn't get it. He doesn't get how little we pay for transportation right now. If we were to commute we would need to pay $700/month in GO fare, I would need to still pay TTC ($100), and we'd need a car. We'd essentially be paying a $1000 more per month and would have less time at home since we'd be spending so much time commuting. Sorry, but that doesn't make sense at all. D spent one summer commuting to Toronto when she was in University and she said it was pure hell. I'd have to agree and say it doesn't sound like fun at all.
So we have a desire to move closer to family but it would mean a drastic change since it would involve finding new work. We'll have to see. I think I'll start looking and see what I find.

Seriously?

Seriously.. My mother just called and told me she bought a 2008 Yaris hatchback.
I think the Yaris is an adorable car but the hatchback version is crazy small. What was she thinking?
I hope its heavy enough to stay firmly put on the road this winter and she's not going to land herself in a ditch - or worse. The Yaris (IMHO) is a city car. You do not own it in the north where winter weather is harsh and roads are not cleared. I hope this works out for her!
Winter at my mothers (Above).

Moving on...

I started deleting and then I stopped. Taking away the things I've written won't change the fact that they've happened and I need to vent somewhere.

I need to move on..

Life can be unfair

On our way home from the vet last night D and I decided to take the TTC instead of a cab. I'm certain Frank enjoyed this because he was very curious and looking all around as we were outside.
While waiting for the street car a "homeless looking" man came up to us and asked if we could spare money or ttc fare. We said no because we always do. We live downtown and this happens every single day.
It was raining out (a light drizzle) and already dark when the Street car came. The man who had asked us for money boarded and presented a transfer to the operator which the operator refused. He asked if he could look and see if he had fare and the driver impatiently agreed. We saw the man search through his bag and go back to the driver and say he didn't have any money. The driver told him he'd have to exit the streetcar at the next stop.
I felt awful so I gave him a token. He thanked us over and over saying that he needed to get to Bloor and Spadina (we caught the streetcar at Broadview) and we really helped him out. He was a very sweet man but he looked like he'd had a hard life. I guess the TTC cannot allow people to ride transit for free but with the current rates it is becoming a privilege people cannot afford.
Well, it turns out the Streetcar operator was a hypocritical bastard. When we got to Sherbourne (3rd stop before subway) a clean-cut University type guy boarded and asked if he could "pay at the station". In other words, travel on the street car for free. Did the Operator even think twice? No. He said "sure, pay at the station". life can be unfair, point #1. Let the homeless guy out in the rain but let the preppy guy ride for free. I don't care if it was 3 blocks vs. 30. If you're going to be a hard ass at least be consistent.
Life can be unfair point #2, D and I were just discussing the issue with her brother and CAS. Unless I've heard the conversation first hand it's very hard to get clear answers over what she's discussed with her mother. Apparently CAS was very hard on her brother and said he was an unfit parent. This is extremely ironic considering my complaint to CAS did center around my SIL wanting to give up the kids. I said many times that I thought my BIL was in a bad situation because he was not getting help from his wife who worked nights while the kids were at home (they are in daycare during the day) and that he was overwhelmed but wanted to keep them. There are TWO parents in that household and if one is being called unfit they should both be accused. Or I guess because my SIL spends her time at work (double shifts, even weekends) and sleeping when the children are home she can't be considered the unfit parent because she's not actually there to parent - but she is the mother so that's automatically more important.
I am in no way defending some of the stupid things my BIL has done because he does show poor judgment at times however my point to CAS should not have made this about him. He is never going to be able to defend himself the way he should because his wife is sweet and quiet and would quite easily be able to use that to her defense. My BIL on the other hand can be completely stunned and as previously mentioned can show poor judgment and/or say stupid things.
This is officially a disaster. I don't know what we can say to make it better because we've made the situation worse.
Isn't it great when people pass judgments before understanding the real situation?

The S#IT has hit the fan

Yep. It has.
But first I need to say that Frank had his stitches removed tonight and he's doing great! The Dr. said we are extremely lucky because this kind of injury usually results in amputation. He said the next 4 days will be crucial so we need to make sure Frank doesn't lick or bite the wound. Hes' back in the cone.

Now the bad news.
CAS finally did a home visit and boy is my SIL angry. We're now officially cut off from the kids. Honestly, it took so long for this to happen that I thought it wasn't going to. The feedback so far is that she is FURIOUS with us and she knows we called because "the questions they asked made it obvious". They think we did this to get the kids. Not true. I guess she's forgetting that we called when she was was trying to get rid of them herself.
Honestly, I feel the call was justified. I called because I was worried that they were taking drastic actions (trying to give up all of the their children) in an escalating fashion. Of course, CAS asked why they'd want to give up their kids. I then said what our concerns were and what had happened. etc. etc.
There are things that I am not going to get into on here that I felt were an issue enough to mention and D and I both agreed we should call. I have no regrets.
I guess this explains why we cannot get in contact with them at all this week.

Donor Stress Part 2

I'm still not 100% confident in our choice to use a KD. Although I want the advantage of free sperm and no clinic I'm also really nervous when I think about the potential issues we'll face in the future. Our Anonymous donor is ID release. We'll be able to tell our child(ren) they will receive information about their Donor when they turn 18. They'll also know things like what he looks like (from his childhood photo), his occupation, how many siblings he has and what nationality he is. These things all seem weak when you think that's the ONLY information you'll be able to provide but the alternative for us is even worse (ironically). Using a known donor who is anonymous means we won't even be able to tell our child the nationality he is because that would give away too much information.
I really wish this wasn't so difficult. I told D tonight that I'd like to try our last Anonymous Donor again because he got me pregnant (albeit chemical) on my last try. Maybe he's our lucky guy and it will work again.
It's amazing that at one point I thought we had things all worked out with my BIL and I was afraid I was pregnant by a "stranger". Maybe I've watched too much Oprah (I haven't really, I can't stand her) but I'm so worried that we are making such life altering decisions. I'm so worried about how our child will feel and at the same time worried about how we'll feel. KD or Anonymous donor, I'm not sure who wins. Will our child have more peace of mind growing up with an anonymous donor ID release donor or an anonymous known (to us only) donor?

Donor Stress

I'm on CD3... and I'm thinking about trying this cycle. I just don't know what to do about our donor issue.
BIL is no longer our donor although we have an option for another KD who wishes to remain anonymous "always & forever" so I can't really say much about him. I'm not so happy about that because if this person is in our life our kid may figure out who he is and that will be an awful situation... this person may not be so bright but that's possibly giving away a lot.
I'd go back to the sperm bank and the clinic but D is being pretty stubborn about the money.
I'm stuck in the middle.
I can't believe we're on try #7.

My Mother - Part 2

So my mother calls tonight and I thought maybe she was calling to say she'd still come down for a visit. Nope! She wanted me to ask my father if he'd help her find a used car. Ha! I told her to find the car she wanted to buy and then I'd ask my father to see if it was a good deal. There is no way he's going to run around looking at cars for her. She'd probably ask him to drive it up to her as well!
She then asks when I'm going to "ship her stuff". Well, I wasn't going to "ship her stuff" because I thought she was driving down to visit. I have had this box of crap that she left at my place since May when she bought way more than she could ever fly back on a plane with. As it was she had to pay $50 per bag because they were so over packed. She suggested I drive-to-Hamilton to give it to my Aunt who lives in Hamilton to give it to my other Aunt who is down visiting - to fly home with. I told my mother that there was way too much stuff for my Aunt to fly with. She then huffed and said "I bought you a TV so you should ship my stuff to me". THAT was the point that I got nasty. I asked her if she bought us the TV or not because she only says that when she wants me to do something for her. Her answer was that "when she's in a pinch she'll ask for the money back". Well she's been in a pinch a few times now because she brings it up every couple of weeks.
I fully know I'm being difficult here but she buys way too much stuff and then leaves it with me to make elaborate plans to get it back to her. Albeit it's been happening a lot less since she never comes down anymore but it's still annoying. Like, do you really need to buy new colanders in Toronto? I'm pretty sure you can buy those anywhere. It's not a good deal when you need to buy new suitcases and pay overweight baggage charges or ship via Greyhound to get the stuff home.
For a long time I thought that the breakdown in our relationship was entirely my fault but I'm starting to see otherwise. My mother has always been like this. When I was a kid and I was so desperate to spend time with her she'd ditch me for just about anything. When I told her we were looking at houses in Hamilton to be closer to family she told me that she would not come down if we lived there because "everything bad that has happened to her has happened there". That's not very nice when you think that I was born and raised there. It goes hand in hand with her warnings to me about not having a kid because it will "ruin your life". I would say she's heartless but she doesn't even notice that she acts like this. She just acts selfishly on a consistent basis. She's a pretty good "over the phone friend" but as far as actually being a "mom" she gave up that role years ago.

My Mother

Next up, my mother has really pissed me off. I'm not even sure pissed off is the right words for it. I think more it is "greatly disappointed". Since Frank takes 2 pills per day (now 6 with pain and antibiotics) we always need an overnight sitter when we go on vacation. Our regular cat sitter has gone back to school so we're relying on our mothers for help. Given that we've we just spent $700 we decided to cancel our main hotel stay (same amount as vet bill) and have opted for just going away for 1 night.
With little surprise she took this opportunity to say it was "too complicated" anyway and we can just board Frank at the vet. Which is true and something we didn't know was an option in the past but the point was that I still wanted her to come. I suggested she fly down with my uncle and stay for 4 days and then fly back with him (Air Canada buddy pass) but she said no because she doesn't like standby. I was hoping she would still visit because I haven't seen her for more than 2 days in a row in several years. It's so bad it's like I only get to see her at weddings and funerals.
To make it even worse she told me she was coming down for just one night but was going to Mount Forest and then returning home the next day. She wouldn't have a chance to see me. She actually ended the call in a sing-song voice saying "I'll see you one day, I just don't know when".
I'm sorry but this is BS. I can't believe she cares so little that she doesn't want to see me! She's taken to this family in her town and calls the children her "fake grand kids" and spends a lot of time with them (including this trip to Mount Forest for a bird show). I feel like asking if she's forgotten that she has a family. What makes things even worse is that D and I had offered for her to live with us and she'd said she wanted to take care of her "grand baby" but now I'm thinking that everything she does is disappointing and it will likely never happen. I'm living in a dream world thinking that she can be my child's "Nana" and things will be like they were for me (I loved my Nana so much).
Whatever!

The Cat Came Back...

We thought he was a goner but...

Frank is home. This has honestly been the ultimate week from hell. On Wednesday morning we went back to the vet after a horrible night on Tuesday. We'd pretty much decided to put him down because we didn't think things could be worse. I even started to cry in the waiting room thinking it was our last few minutes together. The vet we saw who was the one assigned to the morning emergency appointments was a complete jerk. So much so that we asked to speak with someone else. He basically took one look at Frank and was like "That will heal on it's own, you have two choices, ONE, re-suture and be in the same place again tomorrow or TWO, just let it heal". I told him we were so upset we were thinking of putting him down and he scoffed at me and said "You don't put a cat down for THAT". Maybe if he took the time to listen or could see that my home looked like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre he'd understand why this was an emergency. On to the next Doctor. She was better but had spoken to him and I hadn't been nice to him so she had a bit of a defensiveness. She at the very least agreed to board Frank for a couple of nights to observe him. She explained that he doesn't really have Kidney Disease and doesn't know why the previous Dr. said that. She said he had a higher than normal level but that could be because he didn't drink enough water overnight (possible since he was attacking his tail all-night-long). I was so pleased that I wouldn't have to bring him home which is what the first Dr. had wanted. Thinking about it, it really was unfair to send him home with NO pain medication. His tail must have been so sore. He was in pain. He would get the sedative and pain medication he needed while boarding so this was a good thing.
At this point my day didn't get any better but at least my first problem was solved. I decided to go home and clean-up. It took over an hour with our Green Machine to clean up all of the blood on the carpet in the spare room. I left a small amount of droplets but the worst of it was over. My MIL helped by using Lysol wipes to clean the walls. It was so gross but thankfully we blocked him into one room during the height of his insanity so at least the mess was contained. Unfortunately our condo smelled badly of blood from top to bottom.
After all of this I went to work and guess what? I lost my wallet!! I was so out of it and upset that my thought and actions were not in sync. I dropped it and remember looking at it and thinking "I need to pick up my wallet" but I guess I didn't. I honestly can't remember but I'm certain that is the moment when it went missing. I guess the train came and I got on it and left my wallet sitting on the platform. Thankfully D had my passport, SIN and Birth Certificate so I've been able to replace my Health Card and Drivers License. I've also made all of the necessary phone calls to my bank, Credit report agencies and the police. I'll be checking with the TTC lost and found next week.
Great week, huh?
I'm glad my baby is back but this week has sucked. A lot..

FRANK!

I’ve had a horrible night. Frank didn’t come out of the anesthesia well. He seemed OK by 11:00 pm so we decided to go to bed but within literally 5 minutes he went crazy and busted out his stitches – blood everywhere again. I’ve spent the night trying to calm him because the emergency clinic told us it would be $145 just to walk through the door and I’d already spent $600!!

So now we’re at an impasse. It cost $500 to suture him but he won’t leave his tail alone so there is no way it is going to heal. Regardless even if we made it through the next 14 days the vet said it was likely we’d need to amputate his tail due to a lack of blood flow to the impacted area. We’re going to have to go back in and either ask to amputate immediately or put him down.

To complicate things while inserting a tube into his mouth they found that the back of his mouth and into his throat is full of ulcers so she did a culture swab ($82) and the blood work given to him to determine if his organs could handle the anesthesia came back indicating he has Kidney Disease. As well they also detected a heart murmur.I don’t even know what to do!

We have such a long history with the Frankenmonster. He has never been well adjusted and our life with him has been filled with turmoil. My mother is terrified of him because he once ripped my leg to shreds after seeing another cat on the back deck. I looked like a red and white zebra. It was awful. But I forgave him and I'm not afraid of him. Today I was but he's not well.

Shortly after this he started marking. We didn't know for a long time and that resulted in a very bad carpet spot. I did everything to get it out but it was a lost cause. This was one of the reasons we moved out of our old place. I didn't want to bring him to the new one but we did and he started marking again. We ended up putting him on an anti-anxiety medicine that has (for the most part) worked. He still does it but not nearly as often. This issue has resulted in the majority of the fights between D and I. There have been many many times when I didn't think I could handle him.
The rest of the fights are about my other cat. The two cats get along for the most part but It gets so bad in the winter that we normally need to separate them. We've been putting up with their winter wars for 9 winters now! Since Clair is using our nursery as her safe haven I've really been harping about the situation a lot. 1) I want to use that room and 2) it makes me sick that our child's room has a cat litter in it right now. The ironic thing is that he is amazing with the children. Of all the things this is what I'd always worried about and it seems it's the one thing he's been awesome with.

So, What do we do? My mother adamantly wants him put down. She knows the whole history and has been on the receiving end of many teary Frank phone calls. She knows our stress but I also have begged her to understand that i love him so much. I've already had one pet put down prematurely and I don't know if emotionally I can handle another. However, the Vet and I did not discuss Kidney Disease or the impact of a Heart Murmur. She was much more concerned that he wasn't coming out of anesthesia normally. I've since visited Dr. google and the prognosis does not look good.

From Dr. Google

Eventually the cat's attempts to compensate for the failure of its kidneys will become insufficient. As the disease gets more severe, many serious complications may result. Ulcers in the mouth and stomach, anemia, and urinary tract infections are common occurrences among cats with chronic kidney failure.

The long-term prognosis for chronic kidney failure is poor since the disease is progressive and irreversible.

Similar things popped up for Heart Murmur including the possiblity of sudden death. What should I do? Should I put him through tail amputation knowning worse things are coming? Will the amputation be any different than the suturing experience? Maybe he has lost his mind and he'll continue to act out. I just don't know. It's amazing what can happen in just a day.