My Dad

Sigh. I love him but he can be majorly ignorant and difficult to deal with. Therefore I was terrified to tell him about being pregnant and hadn't told him anything about trying. Way back when we started I had even joked about NOT telling him until 5 months or later.
My opinion on that has certainly changed because I told him last night, just shy of 5 weeks!
My decision was based on feeling the need for the support of my family and close friends - regardless of the outcome.
I called last night because my dad is looking for a car for me to buy. I'm ashamed to say it but we are going to be downtown urbanites with a car that we'll use to take us to the glorious suburbs to work (D works downtown, but I'm outside of the city) and play. It's a big step. Anyway, I was able to talk to my step-mom first and she was so excited she started to cry on the phone. I asked if she'd tell my dad but she said I should. She told me he will be so happy because his biggest fear in life was dying before having grandchildren. That really opened my eyes. I had never thought my father would mourn the loss of grandchildren because of my same sex relationship. It's sad, really. It was ignorance to assume I wouldn't have children but it also gives context to how upset he was when I told him I was gay. Maybe it wasn't just hate? I digress. My father wasn't home but he called almost immediately. I'm assuming my step-mom told him to call me ASAP. When I told him he sounded shocked and asked how I did it. I simplified things (not wanting to use the term sperm bank) and said that we used a clinic. I knew he was getting excited when he asked if we'd know the sex at our first u/s so that he could start spoiling the baby. He ended the call saying he'd need a beer to digest it all.
I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. My dad was OK with this and so was my step-mom. In fact my step-mom was THRILLED. Not 2 hours later my father calls me back and says:
"I just have to tell you I'm so exited about this. I'm so happy. I just couldn't be happier! I'm going to be a grandpa!" He also mentioned how my uncle (his best friend and referencing my cousins pregnancy) was going to be a grandfather and now he will be too. Since I'm still cautious I told him not to get too excited because it's so early. His response: But you'll try again if something happens??!!
Also, they told my brother (not so thrilled about that) and he was so excited he was apparently jumping around the house yelling "I'm going to be an uncle". At 1o years old, that's pretty cool.

Goodbye Dr. P?

Reality is starting to sink in.
I clarified with my clinic and their message that indicated "get your GP to send your referral to "The OB" and we'll send your GP your first u/s" actually meant "After your first u/s we're done with you so please tell your GP you are pregnant so you can get a referral to an OB. We'll send proof".
I'm very much ready to be pregnant but I'm not ready to leave my fertility clinic! Mommy? I want my hand held a little bit longer!

Beta #2

Thank you everyone for your comments of congratulations! I think it is finally sinking in!?! I'm still nervous and even had a bit of a scare this morning because I thought I saw spotting. There wasn't and I didn't. I'm just obsessed with staring at toilet paper and looking for deeper meaning.

Anyway...
Beta #2
18 DPO = 497

I now need my GP to fax a referral to my clinic so that their OBGYN can take over. I'm very graceful and just left a long incoherent message on my GP's reception voicemail saying I didn't want to actually go in and could they please pass the message on to my Doctor. =P We'll see how that one goes.
Next on my list will be figuring out my credit card bill. It's at about $3500 thanks to the last 2 cycles and a New Kids on the Block concert (or two). Between my tax refund and insurance claims that will be entirely paid off. I just need to file all of the claims (including taxes which are done but not in yet).

BETA

15 DPO = 150...

I have no idea what this means but the nurse said it was a good number. I'm off to google it as soon as I get some time!

Still waiting..

I am patiently (believe it or not) still waiting for my BETA results. They should be in between 12-1. I had to pick up more progesterone so the clinic already knows I expect a BFP. They were cautiously optimistic (just like I still am) and asked if I wanted 1 week or 2 weeks worth. I went with 2 weeks.
I know that even after I get the BETA # I wont fully believe this. I'll need to see a heartbeat first. Also, I don't really "feel" pregnant and I have AF like cramping. I know people always say (upon a looming BFN) that you cramp with a BFP - it's just unnerving. KWIM?

Silly Me.. 14 DPO

I thought my BETA was today, Thursday April 24th.
However since today is actually Thursday April 23rd (Damn it!) my BETA is tomorrow.
All along I've known the test was on the 24th. I'm not sure why I was so sure the 24th was a Thursday. Oh well... Another day, another p-stick.

Status Check

Time: 3:30 am
State of mind: Insanity. I feel like I'm going to throw up due to nerves.
POAS: BFP

I'm not joking about needing to throw up. I'm a nervous wreck. I don't think I can test through Thursday. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able exist through Thursday. There is absolutely no taking this for granted and it feels like every second counts. POAS this morning was torture. Why does the control line pop up so quickly and the test line tease? I nearly died sitting on the toilet holding the p-stick thinking my BFP was gone. After that I was certain it was lighter. The line eventually did pop up and it looks the same if not a wee bit darker. Will this feeling ever go away (fear and disbelief)?

11 DPO

I've been going back and forth all day now thinking about whether I should post something or not. My mind is already wandering to so many places that I think I really do need this outlet.
As I had mentioned yesterday, I bought 5 HPT at dollarama. My theory was that I "needed something to pee on". I took the first test yesterday afternoon and it was a very very very faint positive. I've never had a positive on a dollar store HPT. I decided to try again 2 hours later to see if I would see the same result. I did. Holy crap, right? So then I tested this morning and the second line was still there. Extra holy crap. At this point (6:30 am) I got dressed and ran out to the drugstore to buy a FRER. The old guy at the checkout must have thought I was nuts because I didn't even brush my hair, it was 6:30 in the morning and all I was buying was a HPT. I also instructed D NOT to throw out my FMU (I'm a pee in the cup girl) so I had it ready for when I got home.
No squinting or pretending and visible from several feet away...my FRER was a bright pink BFP!
I'm trying really hard to stay focused today but I'm a mess. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. I need proof!! I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm not "jumping for joy" because I'm terrified. I'm afraid that writing this will make it go away or that I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. How am I going to survive the next 3 days waiting for my scheduled BETA???

Reckless

We went to Walmart today and there was a dollarama in the mall. I'm very disappointed in myself for doing it but I bought p-sticks.

I won't admit to anything else....

Damn it!! I have no self restraint.

Of course...

Our donor is no longer showing available on the Canadian site for Xytex. I know that we can go on a wait list for a second pregnancy but that assumes a 1st pregnancy. Damn it all... I really liked this guy and had wanted him to be our IVF donor.
I have 2 chances left for this donor to be our guy. I'm at 10 DPI and I haven't tested so I'm not out of this cycle yet. We also have a single vial left and we'll be using it for our final IUI. I guess I could just skip the last IUI and go right into IVF but I'd prefer going into IVF with an available donor. I don't like the idea of being on a wait list to have a second child if I'm at all able to control that.
Looks like we're back to the beginning again and looking for donor #5. Why do I pick all of the donors that sell out?

Donor Wanted:
Caucasian, Fair-Medium skin tone, Brown/Light Brown or Blonde Hair, CMV- negative, Canadian Compliant, Any Blood type, or Eye Colour.

Angry. Bitch.

I've been out of control moody the last couple of days and it's getting a bit scary. My filter is off and there have been quite a few strangers who have suffered the wrath of my bad mood. For example, shopping for tofu dogs yesterday sent me into a seething rage. Albeit shopping at METRO is never a pleasure but that poor woman who's cart got in my way... that poor woman.
I guess this is my way of dealing with the fact that we're on the verge of our 10th try. I'm at 7 DPI which is when the TWW takes the dreaded nose dive into the disappointing half of the wait. I don't want to test. I don't want to test.... I don't want to test.

I am slowly going crazy
1-2-3-4-5-6- switch.
Crazy going slowly am I
6-5-4-3-2-1 switch.
Sigh.

Easter weekend

The weekend is over. We did some family stuff and went to the drive-in. My brother was obnoxious so visiting my dad wasn't a lot of fun. He's so spoiled. He spent half the time we were there trying to get us to endorse the Nintendo DSI (new Gameboy) because he wants my parents to buy him one. I'm sure he'll get it.
I also found out that my cousin is pregnant. I was pretty upset by this. To put things into perspective she is 4 years younger than me and I was in the middle of my first TWW during her wedding in October 2007. This was before my first BFN so I was certain I was going to be pregnant in the near future. I
wanted to be first but she has beat me to it.
My dad doesn't known we're trying so he had no idea how this piece of Gossip would affect me. As soon as I heard it I wanted to leave.
We're at 4 DPI and I'm still feeling apathetic towards this try. I think I've gotten myself to the point where I believe that TTC will always be about trying and will never be about conceiving. I'm thinking about try #10
and beyond without even considering a BFP. I think it's true that our last try was the last time I'd ever feel hope in this process.

-- Post From My iPod Touch

TWW

We're in the TWW - 3 DPI.
The insemination went really well on Thursday. We arrived at noon and were out by 12:40. The procedure was very informative. Dr. P explained everything she was doing and we were able to watch it on the u/s screen. It wasn't very dramatic as you can see from the following picture but it was cool when the sperm went in. You could see it sparkle on the screen and start to move around.
We had to go back in again Friday to check my estrogen levels to ensure it was going down. Dr. P also wanted to perform an additional u/s to confirm I'd ovulated. That was a little bit stressful but we saw that I had ovulated so that was good news!
Overall this cycle was not what I expected but I'm not feeling as regretful as I was a few days ago. I wish I had more than 2 follicles but in the end I'm just happy that the timing was right. I'm also extremely pleased with how we've been treated. I firmly believe that had I started to ovulate at the old clinic they wouldn't have proactively called me in the same day to have the injection of Orgalutran. I also appreciate how Dr. P has listened to my concerns and corrected the errors from my last cycle. Specifically I wanted to take my Ovidrel injection no less than 24 hours prior to my IUI. I can tell they went out of their way to call me much earlier than normal to allow this. For the first time since we started this process I can imagine bringing our baby in or sending a photo to Dr. P to thank her for her help. Previously (old clinic) I considered a BFP my get out of jail free card and would never...ever... want to see the clinic and/or the doctor ever again.
I'm not excited about this cycle. I don't even plan on testing. I feel like I'm completely over that. After last cycle I've decided that I never want to see another BFN HPT....ever. We'll see how that goes since I'll admit I am a bit impulsive when it comes to POAS!

Update

My Follicles grew A LOT last night and are now at 1.8 and 1.9 - only two (bummer). I took a shot of Orgalutran yesterday afternoon and then again early this morning to STOP ovulation. I also took another shot of Puregon and then Ovidrel this afternoon because my IUI will be tomorrow at noon. There's nothing left to do for this cycle. One more morning at the clinic and then my IUI - which will be done by guided ultrasound. D is going to make it this time since we're both excited to see how this is going to work. The good news is that both follicles are on the left so the swimmers can ALL be shot into the left tube. The other good news is that I have 1 dose left in my Puregon Pen. I'm glad we didn't have to buy an additional vial. Now we can decide whether we want to do this again or not. Bad news though, the Orgalutran was not $90 it was $116 so that was a nice $230 bill for 2 shots.

Worn out

I'm completely worn out. This is just dragging on and on. I've already finished almost 2 vials of puregon. That's $670 spent and another one is going to be purchased. It looks like I'll be spending $335 for only a few additional injections.
Right now I'm not pleased or confident with this cycle. I have 3 follicles but it looks like 1 is not keeping up. I can do that on clomid for $86 - just saying. Anyway, I just got a call from the clinic saying my LH is starting to rise and I need to go and pick up another drug to stop ovulation. Great, add another $90/day. I hate how our crappy insurance only covers $3000/lifetime. The money is draining quickley!
The plan WAS to do two injectable cycles but this is not what I had expected. I wanted more than two follicles to up my chances. I didn't think I'd be busting my ass like this for so little gain (none right now). Ultimately when I get my expected BFN from this cycle (yes, I'm feeling that negative) I will have to decide based on the amount of leftover meds if I'm going to try the same protocol again. Honestly I think I want to quit at this point. No more IUI. I have a lead on a KD and I may follow it. I know eveyone seems so against KDs but I want to try it before we move on to IVF. I don't want to put myself through something I may not need to and may not work. Afterall I have friends who had poor clinic experiences go on to quickly get pregnant with a KD. No intervention (meds etc.) required. Right about now that sounds perfect.

-- Post From My iPod Touch

Day 6

Another -not so exciting- post about try #9... I'm back to the clinic again tomorrow for more b/w and u/s.
The Puregon injections are going well. For those of you in Canada who are reading... have you claimed TTC medical expenses on your taxes? Did it help your return? Based on what I've read I won't be able to claim 2007 (my first $3900 purhase of sperm) because it has to be for the 12 month period of that year. There is still a lot to claim for 2008 (sperm and medicine).