Before Sadie was born I was certain I'd be set to "sleep with the baby". I'm able to sleep pretty much anywhere at anytime. I figured I'd get my sleep even if it wasn't during standard hours. Ha. Ha. Ha. Sadie is a GOOD sleeper but under her conditions! She's very predictable and for the most part sleeps 3 hours to the minute and then wants to be fed. At first things were good and it was an adjustment on my part. Sadie was sleeping in her crib at night and things were going well. In the day I was mostly holding her or letting her sleep on her Swing/Boppy (she hasn't slept in her crib during the day yet). Then a little over two weeks ago she started to fuss and refuse the crib at night. It was BRUTAL. D would stay up with her until midnight and I'd get MAYBE 2 hours sleep before I'd be up the rest of the night. The only way I'd get any rest was if I put her in her swing and curled up on the couch. I was getting so little sleep!! The GOOD news is that we've resolved this issue! I'm now getting up to 8 or 9 hours sleep (total, not consecutive)at night and have been for the past 5 days. Here's the 3 things we've changed: 1) Dream Feed - My internal clock wakes me up every 3 hours now and if not, and I hear her stir, I RUN to get a bottle ready. We do not wake her up to eat for her midnight/3:00 am feeding which means she sleeps from approximately 9:00ish pm until 6:00ish am in 3 hour increments. I'll change her diaper only if it feels heavy or is dirty. Otherwise, we wait it out. I know this may put some people off but if she was sleeping through the night we wouldn't be waking her JUST for a diaper change. We have no issue with rash and although she has wet her diaper, in the morning she is dry. After all, pampers claim they can stay dry for 12 hours! 2) White Noise - We've taken down our FP Precious Planet Motion Soother which was too loud and too bright in favor of the FP Precious Planet Mobile. I'm hoping the Motion Soother is something we can use in the future because I really like it! Instead we're using the Mobile without the Mobile attachment or turning on the projector. It has a great "Heart Beat" sound which Sadie really responds to. It seems to sooth her to sleep or keep her sleeping and I give this A LOT of credit because it seems like she started sleeping better as soon as we started using it!! 3) Swaddle her legs - We did not continue swaddling when we came home from the hospital because Sadie prefers her arms to be free. She's like Momma and tries to twirl her hair. She also likes to sleep with her arms spread out to her sides. Because of this we had been struggling with using blankets. We have 3 sleeps sacks (2 Halo and 1 Grobag) and she HATES them. The envelope blanket didn't work either. She kicks her legs and kicks them and kicks them and kicks them! Our daughter is going to run a marathon one day! Finally I tried swaddling her lower half leaving her arms free and it works! She's no longer fussing with her legs!!! So there you have it. I'm getting some sleep and it is great! I'm hoping that eventually we get a bit longer than 2.5-3 hour increments but for now I'm NOT complaining!!!
Blogging has not been a priority lately although it is something I really enjoy. I've been reading as much as I can but I find it really hard to sit down and take the time to comment or blog myself. I'm just starting to get back into blogging now. Newborns take a lot out of you! In response to my birth story I wanted to clarify that although my induction sucked my only issue is that I allowed my body to be treated the way it was because I was naive. I should have stood up for myself and taken control. When I found out I was 0 cm dilated I should have stopped the induction and discussed my options. That said, regardless of the hoopla I went through, I do not have any negative feelings regarding the birth. The medicine behind induction is a farce and I now know that. Lets FORCE nature. Lets pick that scab...yet IRONICALLY I still like my doctor and I would go back to him and the hospital for our second. That may sound like the silliest statement ever but I guess it's proof I was (at the very least) not traumatized by my experience! Also, I don't mean to be so hard on a teaching hospital. All of the med students and residents I had encountered up to my induction were awesome. The shitty resident really was awful. No bedside manner and very rough. She deserved to be kicked in the head (I wish I had) but really was one of a kind. It was her last day and I'm guessing she really felt like she no longer cared! At one point she said to me "this really isn't a difficult procedure". My thought? Then you're in the wrong profession!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.. I will end this post with some pictures!!
Have you seen this? I had previously avoided seeing it for the following two reasons: 1) I thought it would scare me and I didn't feel I had a choice other than a Hospital Birth due to being High Risk (Chronic Hypertension) or even the ability to use a midwife over OB 2) I naively thought that being in Canada would make a difference and that our health care system would not promote the same treatment as private health care would in the US. Oh my. Last night while doing a night feeding I stumbled across a showing on The Movie Network and finally decided to watch it. Within the first 20 minutes I saw my birth story explained pretty much verbatim. Apparently what happened to me was common. I understood going into the induction that my chances of a c-section would increase but I didn't have the full picture. I really wish I had seen this documentary BEFORE agreeing to an induction with NO resistance. A lot of people had commented (in IRL and here) that my induction would give me Sadie so "it would be worth it". A point made in the documentary was that too many women think the end result (healthy baby) is all that matters and how you get there isn't important. I went in thinking that and although I do not regret what happened I would have done it differently had I been more informed. That said, I've scraped my original birth story and I'm starting over. Here's my INDUCTION story. If you do not care to read it all you can watch the following clip from The Business is Being Born to see exactly what happened:
Otherwise, here goes:
December 28th: 6:30 am - Call hospital, instructed to come in at 8:30 am 8:30 am - Arrive at hospital, enter Triage, hooked up to EFM (Electronic Fetal Monitoring) 9:30 am - Painful Internal exam reveals by shitty resident who commented it was her last day about 5 times in 10 minutes. I am 0 cm dilated, Cervidil inserted to "ripen cervix" (NOTE: I should have stood up for myself and declined the induction at this point!! Seriously do NOT accept an induction!) 12:30 pm - Completed 2 hours of EFM after Cervidil and instructed to go home and come back at 9:30 pm to check progress. We went to the mall and had lunch at McDonald's before going home. 3:00 pm-9:00 pm - Trying to sleep but in too much discomfort: Sitting hurts, laying down hurts. We leave for the hospital and WALK because I do not want to sit in a cab. Very windy/snowy night. It was like walking in a blizzard! Electrical wires blew out as we were walking and sparks started to fly. I almost had a heart attack thinking we'd be struck by a wire! 9:30 pm - Arrive at Hospital and checked back into Triage. Cervidil did not work and needed to be removed because it was causing me to have strong and frequent contractions. Next step was using a Foley Bulb (catheter placed in cervix and inflated with saline to open the cervix). The aforementioned shitty resident performing this procedure was AWFUL at it. It was torture!! I screamed at her to stop (nearly kicked her in the head) and they had to call in an OB. Thankfully she was able to insert the catheter with little pain!! I was checked into L&D at this point because I was crying hysterically in pain thanks to the dumb ass resident and the OB felt that "I'd been through a lot and it wouldn't be fair to send me home only to come back in the morning".
December 29th Made it through the night but I was not comfortable! I sat in a chair mostly and didn't sleep. I had 2 or 3 showers! I woke up with a sick stomach (nerves?) and ended up vomiting hard enough to pop the Foley catheter out. Our day nurse was assigned to us and we are told I will have another internal to see if they can break my water. The nurse then talks me into an enema! I would later find out that this is NOT the norm and that she is extremely "old school". We called in our Doula and told her to come in ASAP! She arrived just as I was suffering the effects of the enema (which was not pleasant). At that point my feeling was that the hospital was torturing me!! I remember looking at the windows that would not open (it was so hot in my room) and thinking it was that way to keep women from jumping out of them! Around this time I was also given my IV in preparation for starting Pitocin. I had some time where I was able to walk around the floor before being put on EFM so I took that opportunity to go for a walk. Things were pretty calm so I told D and our Doula to go and get breakfast. It was silly to ask both to leave at the same time but I did and I had a bit of a panic attack as soon as they were gone. Shortly after that the OB and resident arrived to check my progress. To my HORROR it was the same resident as the night and morning before. Her 24 hour shift felt like it was NEVER going to end! Thankfully it was the OB that checked me and determined I was dilated enough to break my water (which she did). It was the first thing that had been done that wasn't painful. That first gush of warm water was awesome. The subsequent gushes of water for the rest of the day were not as exciting! Gross! By this time my dad, step-mom and brother had arrived. Since we had too many visitors our Doula left for a walk. I had just been started on pitocin and at first nothing much was happening... AND THEN my contractions started up quickly and painfully. I wanted my parents and brother OUT of the room and I decided that I was going to accept the epidural. The contractions sucked and I was in so much pain. Our doula was still gone so I wasn't entirely prepared for what was happening. I figured I was already hooked up to EFM and therefore stuck in my room so it didn't seem to matter anymore. Our nurse, who had promised the epidural as soon as I wanted it, was not available so I had to wait and endure a bit of the pain. My main concern was that my parents would return from lunch. I gave D strict instructions to tell them to GO AWAY!! FINALLY our nurse came back with the anesthesiologist who had a resident with him. I was asked a gazillion questions to determine if I could have the epi. I seriously think they should have asked this BEFORE I was in pain because I would have told them ANYTHING they wanted to hear to hurry them up. I was asked a lot of questions about having Pre-E and blood work had to be followed up on. It was pretty excruciating. They eventually determined that I could have the epi so I was prepped. I was given instructions on how to sit and the RESIDENT was the one that performed the procedure. I could hear the anesthesiologist whispering behind my back telling her what to do! I could hear her saying she thought she was "hitting the bone". In a clearer state I would have been completely freaking out but the pain was bad and I wanted the drug so bad. This must be what it feels like to be an addict. I was also seriously losing faith in using a teaching hospital! So now I'm doped up and my legs are warm and tingly. I had a internal exam after my epi and it was amazing NOT feeling it! I was dilated 5 cm and stretchy to 6! Sadly the epidural was a nice feeling that didn't last long. Within the first hour the effect was wearing off. My left leg was dead it was so frozen but my belly still had the sensation of contractions. Things were picking up again but when I told the nurse she said I was fine. Right. I had endured the epidural not working for a few hours at that point and I was feeling the contractions the same as I had BEFORE having the procedure done. It became obvious that I was feeling all of the contractions so an anesthesiologist was called in. Around the same time I was ready to be checked again to see how dilated I was. The result was 6cm so I wasn't progressing. The pain I was experiencing suddenly increased. I could not get comfortable in any position and the pain was over my entire stomach. In a blur I went from getting my epidural adjusted to being surrounded by nurses and doctors. The pain I was feeling was caused by bad contractions that were causing Sadie's heart rate to drop. I didn't know what was going on and I had a rush of people around me. They sprayed something under my tongue to stop the contraction and explained that I was having a very strong contraction that "wasn't ending". The resident in the room put her hand inside me to "tickle" Sadie's head to try to get her to respond. It was crazy. After things were settled the on call OB came in and started talking about doing a c-section. She said that Sadie had been in distress so they were turning down the Pitocin and would gradually increase it again over 3 hours. During this time I had to progress past 6 cm because I hadn't in the past 3. This part of the "story" goes quickly. I didn't progress in the prescribed 3 hours and when they examined me I went back into the long contraction that again caused Sadie's heart rate to decrease. Once they had her heart rate back up again the OB was once again beside my bed and pretty much told me I had to have a c-section. Before I knew it I was signing the paperwork! I was told that "if they could do it before midnight" I'd only have to be in the hospital 3 nights but if it was after midnight I'd be there 4! It was 11:45 at that point and Sadie was born at 12:45 am... yay an extra night at the hospital at $285/night!
December 30th The C-section itself was quick. We were delayed because there was a major trauma and an anesthesiologist was not available. When he did get there he came in wearing a back pack and a polar fleece jacket. He looked and acted like Vincent Masuka from Dexter. After determining my epidural would not work I was given a spinal (thank goodness). I started to feel the doctors pulling and pressing on my belly when I heard him say "I hadn't tested her yet". OMG! At least it worked?!? I guess they determined that by the fact that I wasn't screaming in pain as they cut me??? WTF? Soon enough Sadie was out and I was watching as she was cleaned and given to D to hold. The resident had told me she'd be out quick and then they'd spend about 3o minutes on the "Humpty Dumpty" part of the procedure "putting me back together again". NOT something I found funny. She was a better resident but that was not cute! Unfortunately because of the drugs I felt loopy and when D asked if I wanted to see her I said NO! I eventually called D over but everything was confusing in the OR. I was shaking like CRAZY. Did I mention that I begged Vincent Masuka for Ativan? I'm not sure what he gave me but it was gooood. So that is my induction story beginning to end. I need to get around to documenting our hospital stay! Like I had already said, i do not REGRET what happened. My recovery was easy and I am fortunate that I did not have a painful labor before going in for the c-section. Instead I had a long pain in the ass and unnecessaryinduction before going in for the c-section. Hopefully I'll be able to try a VBAC for #2!!!
Our baby girl is two weeks old today! She's changing so much already. She's stretching out and is outgrowing (in length) her 13lb sleepers (she's 8lbs). She's that long! Her feet are also filling the entire footie. My fantasy of having a ballerina is fading and being replaced by dreams of basketball! Feeding issues aside - these have been the best two weeks of my life. I love her so much!!
Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. I'm now taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle to try and boost my milk supply. I've only had a couple of days where it felt like I actually had any supply at all. I hope it works. The plan right now is to BF Sadie prior to giving her formula. I have no idea how much she is getting because of this but the goal right now is to at least bring in my milk. Pumping is NOT going well. I'm still only about to get 0.5-1 oz after pumping for 20+ minutes. I don't think I will be exclusively breast feeding at this point. Sadie is doing well on formula and our pediatrician made me feel like less of a monster for having her on it. What I want is to provide as much breast milk as I can and just be happy with that. Some is better than none. I have my doula and a nurse helping out (both lactation consultants). It's stressful and I feel so lazy for having had this happen. If I had come home from the hospital Breast Feeding I may not have "quit" like I feel I have. I do not have a story of pain or suffering from my endless trying. No tears (other than those of guilt), no pain (other than regret) and I'm left with a very happy baby who eats well and sleeps well. I took the easy road and I know that.... I'm getting a bit better on bottle washing. Thank you for your advice. I did go out and buy a dispenser and I've adjusted how I make the bottles. Originally I had been prepping formula and leaving it in the fridge for 24 hours but now I'm prepping the water and adding the formula as needed. The nurse I'm working with is against this but it was recommended by our pediatrician. The nurse says I have to use the water within 30 minutes but I think she is taking the literal definition of that "rule". I'm pretty sure the "use within 30 minutes" statement means you should not leave the pot of water on the stove for 2 hours before putting the water away. I'm also stove top boiling because I actually HATE my microwave sterilizer. I may sell it on craigslist. Unfortunately we do not have a sensitization cycle on our dishwasher although we'll look for that when we get a new one (our current died and was resurrected so we're on borrowed time right now). Mental health wise I'm feeling BETTER. Not GREAT but better than I was when I wrote the last entry. I was certain at that point I had PPD because I was so distraught (crying on the kitchen floor while washing bottles distraught). It's hard not to say "don't beat yourself up" or "don't feel guilty" when I 100% think that my own laziness has caused the situation we're in and Sadie is the one paying for it. At the very least our peditrician is not judging me. Off to wash bottles!! ):
Frustration Confusion Shame Breast Feeding is not what I expected it to be at all. It has been day after day of self doubt and loathing - wishing I could "perform" and feeling lazy when I've given in to supplementing because it is so easy and has a positive effect. I haven't made up my mind what I want to do. Will my milk be there tomorrow if I change my mind? I can't figure out how can something that was so important to me turn into something so disposable? It seems like I'm destined to formula feed. Things started out OK in the hospital. Sadie had a good latch that we started working on in the recovery room after my c-section. I spent a lot of time the next day with her close to me trying to breast feed. For the most part it seemed to be working. On Day 2 we attended the hospital's Breast Feeding Clinic where Sadie was the star pupil. I felt like we were showing off! Yet that very night things turned. My supply was not enough and she was getting angry. Cue the screaming baby who could not be consoled no matter what I did or how long I tried. She bounced off my breast in a screaming fit and did for so long and loud that her sweet voice turn raspy. Off I went down to the nurses station begging for help. After an attempt was made to re-latch our nurse basically said that she wanted more than I could give her. She gave me a bottle of pre-mixed formula to dab on my breast to entice her to latch on longer and not give up. We used that for the remaining feedings that night but it wouldn't calm her. More screaming baby. The next morning Sadie was weighed and it was determined she'd lost 7% of her birth weight. The nurses were no longer leisurely in helping with my "problem". I was told they needed to cup feed her. After I would find out from my Doula that they should have let me pump for this but instead they gave her formula. Seeing her tiny body taking in the cup feeding was heartbreaking. The guilt was starting!! Our nurse, who was a complete bitch, said that she couldn't keep cup feeding and asked "what my plan was". I said I'd pump if I couldn't breast feed so she sent me down to rent a pump and arranged one for my room while still at the hospital. I could really tell her patience was lacking - maybe because it was New Years Day and she was stuck at work? I don't know. In any case about a half an hour later she came back to my room with pre-mixed bottles and said "since I'm going to be bottle feeding I should just give this to her". WTH? So there I was with an unhappy baby who could not be cup fed, a pump that gave me about a half ounce and 2 bottles of formula. What do you think we did? GUILT GUILT GUILT. The response was remarkable. Our baby girl was not shrieking and was happy. Formula lesson #1 - give to screaming unhappy baby and all of your worries will go away! (I wish). Since the bottles were pre-filled it was SOOO easy. Nothing like it is at home. If there is any consolation to my situation it is that I am in bottle washing purgatory. Day 4, we're discharged. I'm still trying to breast feed at home but it's going no where. One of the first things I do is send D to the drugstore to buy formula. After all, we're already sort of up that creek and without it we wouldn't have our paddle. Basically every day since we've been home I've been going back and forth on what to do. I breast feed and Sadie turns into a inconsolable wreck. I formula feed and she is on a 3 hour schedule where she peacefully sleeps/eats/sleeps/eats. I'm sure any breast feeding mother (who is struggling) would be conflicted by this. I feel like I'm torturing her when I put her on my breast. It isn't fun at all. Last night I pretty much quit. I was set on formula feeding but this morning I woke up and the elusive "swollen, leaky breasts" finally appeared. I'm not sure where this leaves me. I was able to express quite a bit of milk for the first time yet I stuck with formula for the day. Now, my breasts are leaking and I'm about to pump. Not sure what I'll do... I'm so confused. Of course this is not a time to turn to my doula who naturally thinks that I will regret this my entire life if I quit. As for the bottle feeding. If ANYONE reading this is formula feeding and has any advice on how to make the prep easier - please let me know. It's taking me so long. I'm pretty much MANIC about it right now. The scary warnings on the canister... the public health nurse who gave me instructions befitting a 3rd world country.... OMG. I feel like I'm going to transmit some horrible bacteria to Sadie. I just don't know what to do. Help.
...because I can't put Sadie down. I'm addicted. She's in our arms around 70% of the day and only goes in her crib at night when I sleep (not comfortable with co-sleeping) I'm so in love!
My little Thumb Sucker: Sadie is such a mini-me. when I was a child I would suck my thumb and twirl my hair and Sadie does it too! Her hands are always in position - all she needs is more hair! It's crazy!!
Belly Button: Last night Sadie's umbilical cord stump fell off leaving behind this cute little button. I wish D was given the chance to cut the cord at birth but I guess that isn't an option with C-Sections? She was also cleaned so quickly neither of us saw her straight out of the womb. I would have loved a messy picture!!
One week ago at this very time I would have been in the OR being prepped for my c-section, scared out of my mind, and begging/screaming for Ativan. Sadie would be arriving shortly at 12:45 am and our lives would change forever. I'm tearing up just thinking about it... what an amazing week!!!!
So much has happened and things are still hectic so this will be quick.... but with lots of pictures because that's the fun part anyway!
Brief update on things I'd like to blog about if/when coherent again: 1) Birth Story/Hospital stay - working on this!! I want to document it all and never forget it! 2) Breast Feeding = FAIL 3) Pediatrician = WINNER 4) Are stretch marks supposed to hurt more than your c-section? HOLY COW... ouch! 5) Our awesome Doula
Pic#1 - Sadie's "WTF" face. We get this often as she questions our choices!
Pic #2 - D says she looks like a little rapper in this one when really I'm just holding her too tight! Check out her LONG fingers. It's crazy!! That is a donor trait because I have short baby fingers!
Pic #3 - First trip to the pediatrician. Oops, looks like that hat may be too big!
