Random Thoughts

H1N1:

The shit has really hit the fan in Toronto and I doubt I'll be getting my vaccine any time soon. I found this comment on The Star's website and it sums up what has happened PERFECTLY:

How to organize disaster: Step 1 - create a panic and convince people to get vaccinated, Step 2 - open 2 clinics for 4 million people, step 3 - make sure clinics are only open when people are working and kids are at school, step 4 - organize lineups outside in the rain, ensure there are no seats for pregnant women, step 5 - refuse to indulge in even the most rudimentary event planning techniques (e.g. handing out numbers) and step 6 - make sure you don't have enough vaccine to inoculate all the people you guilted into coming. Public sector bureaucratic incompetence at its absolute finest.

Essentials List:

Thank you to everyone who provided feedback! Extra Thank-you to Stacey who provided A LOT of valuable info. We have a lot to consider.

Baby Shampoo:

Stacey pointed out that Johnson & Johnson may not be the best products (although I love them for myself). This reminded me of my CRAZIER than I am co-worker who tested which tear free shampoo hurt your eyes the least. I'm not joking. She bought all of the different brands she could find and washed her face with them and PURPOSELY got some in her eyes. The result? AVEENO was the winner.

Gender Stereotyping:

During our prenatal class D and I discovered that we may actually be bad lesbians for liking PINK. Everyone there seemed to be dressing their kids in black onesies and were trying to avoid gender stereotyping. Um... I think D and I may be promoting it. Check out the cool bouncer I added to the registry!

Guilty as charged. I love garishly pink things!!


Stroller:
My step-mom called last night and they bought us our stroller! YAY! She said she'd wanted it to be a surprise but they only had 2 colours left (green or silver/grey). We opted for the silver/grey colour becuase the green would more accurately be described as "nuclear waste yellow". Our classmates would be proud. There isn't a hint of pink



Weekend:
TGIF!!! I'm off on Monday for my Biophysical Profile and OB appointment....!!!

Happy Halloween!!!

Please forgive my purplish/pink skin tone!!!

$2791.43!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is the grand total of items on our registry and that does not include our stroller, glider or taxes. We seriously need to take a look at what we’ve put on there since we will be VERY LUCKY to get 1/4 of it. What do we actually NEED? How many of those items are WANTS?

Forgive me, but this is going to be LONG. Here is a list of Baby Essentials (link is HERE ), it’s from Playtex. Items in PURPLE, we’ve purchased or plan on purchasing on our own. Items in GREEN are on our registry. Items in RED are up in the air – do we NEED these? Items in ORANGE we do not yet have. For the registry items I’ve put the COST associated to determine just how much we’ll need to spend to cover the essentials.

Nursery:
Crib – GOT IT
Crib Mattress & Liner – GOT IT (both Mattress but only the Liner for the Mini crib)
Bassinet – GOT IT Stokke Mini Crib
Bedding/Blankets – GOT IT 2 fitted sheets (1 blue, 1 pink).
Changing Table/Pad – GOT IT
Hamper – NEED IT
Glider – NEED IT (Step-Mom is currently striking a deal for one at cost, FX) $299.00
Mobile – Not sure if this is a WANT or a NEED? $69.99

Feeding:
Small Bottles – GOT IT
Large Bottles – GOT IT
Nipples – GOT IT
Pacifiers – GOT IT
Bottle Brush – GOT IT
Breast Pump – NEED IT $64.99 (Manual - Medela Harmony)
Nursing Pillow – GOT IT/WANT IT (we have our Boppy pillow but I want THIS one as well)
Nursing Pads – NEED IT
Nipple Relief – NEED IT

Diapering:
Diapers – NEED IT $21.99 x 2
Baby Wipes – NEED IT $14.99
Baby Powder – I thought you shouldn’t use this anymore?
Diaper Rash Ointment/Cream – NEED IT
Diaper Disposal System – GOT IT

Safety:
Nursery Monitory – NEED IT $149.99 (Angelcare Movement and Sound Monitor)

Bathing:
Plastic Infant Tub – NEED IT $39.99 (could go cheaper if not purchased for us)
Towels & Wash Clothes – GOT IT
Hooded Towel – GOT IT
Brush and Comb – NEED IT $19.99 (Safety 1st 12 Piece all in one kit)
Baby Wash and Lotion – NEED IT $20.99 (J&J Bathtime Essentials)

Health
Medicine Dispenser – NEED IT $0 (Safety 1st 12 Piece all in one kit)
Thermometer – NEED IT $0 (Safety 1st 12 Piece all in one kit)
Nasal Aspirator – GOT IT
Nail Clippers – NEED IT $0 (Safety 1st 12 Piece all in one kit)
Humidifier – GOT IT

Travel:
Newborn Baby Carrier (Infant Car seat?) – WANT IT $299 (Peg Perego Primo Viaggio - Black Tie)
Car Seat – NEED IT $369.99 (Britax Boulevard)
Stroller – NEED IT $499 (Peg Perego Pliko Switch)
Diaper Bag – GOT IT
Hand & Face Wipes – Aren’t these the same as baby wipes?

Toys and Activities:
Bouncer Seat – Wasn’t planning on buying one. Is this necessary?
Stroller, Crib, Car seat toys – NEED IT $214.90 (Clearly this is an area where we can cut back!!!)
Swing – GOT IT (Plan on exchanging THIS for THIS since we’ve changed our minds since we bought it)
Gym or Playmat – WANT IT $74.97
Jumper or Stationary Entertainment – Wasn’t planning on buying one. Is this necessary?

Total left to purchase: $1797.49 (Includes the Stroller and Glider that were not on our Registry approx. value of $700)
In summary: I have $1693.94 more on my registry than we apparently NEED. I can't figure this out!!! WTH have we asked for that is so unnecessary??? This stuff really adds up but at least we'll now have a better idea of what we need to return/purchase or exchange to make up the essentials list.

NOTE to D: Stella McCartney for Baby Gap is not on the Essentials list. (;

H1N1 Vaccination

I called my OB today to ask if I would be able to get my vaccination at my appointment on Monday and they told me they would not be giving them out. Wouldn't it make sense for them to offer it since they have a captive audience? Instead, I have to go to a public health clinic.
This is going to be chaos.
Our plan of attack is to get the shot on Monday and we've booked VACATION days to do it! Crazy!!

OMG...

People are actually buying stuff off of our baby registry!! I don't know why I'm so surprised, but I am! Neato. 3 things so far and all stuff we want but wouldn't be excited to actually buy ourselves. Looks like our family members are being very practical shoppers.

Is it bad to check your registry to see what is being purchased? I guess it ruins the surprise but it is too hard to resist!

Shopping Envy

Since being pregnant I've found that there is a huge gap in availability of baby related products in Canada. It is so annoying!!!

My number one grievance has been with the Boppy Pillow. It is not sold in Canada, at all! We do have a rip-off, but I really wanted a Boppy and when I want something... I want it. There have been many other (equally frivolous) examples of items we've really liked but cannot get here. They are mostly available online and will not ship to Canada or store to pick-up. We've even considered using a mail forwarding service to access some of these cool things but gave up on that idea because it was going to be expensive and not worth it

When we complain about this people get "high and mighty" about it saying that safety standards are different in Canada. In some cases that's true but otherwise that is not the case. Plus different doesn't mean BETTER. I'm pretty sure a PILLOW is not a dangerous item to bring into the country! In reality it is because Canada is a small market compared to the US and investing in shipment and distribution here is not always profitable. Why do people always get so pissy when we say we love the states or are envious of things we can't have? Deal with it!!

Anyway....

D's mom came to the rescue and bought us our Boppy pillow when she was in the states this weekend. We haven't seen it yet but we asked for the Dwell Studio version sold at Target and she said she "didn't get the one that was on sale". I know this probably ate her up but since the regular Boppy is a lot cheaper, I'm pretty certain we got the one we wanted!

She also bought us the bookcase we wanted, as seen below. I've been wanting this bookcase for years!!

I'm very happy. Both items were available in store at Target. We could have gone down ourselves but time has been flying by and it just hasn't happened yet. This seems impossible but I'm pretty sure we will not leave Canada (or even the province) at all this year! Crazy!!

PS - The 3:00 am chat room could have been open this morning!!! It's now 4:30 and I'm heading back to bed.

Sleep is Overrated

How does a person, who is completely exhausted, spend the hours between approximately 10:00 pm and 6:30 am? Not sleeping. At least in my case.

The funny thing is that people were constantly asking me how I was sleeping. I never understood the question. I'm pregnant, exhausted and I love sleeping. Duh. I guess I'm eating that attitude now because every single night is turning into a battle. The heartburn and related nausea I'm suffering is unbearable. When I asked my OB about it he told me to try Maalox or Gaviscon. He said Tums would not longer work. No shit.

It doesn't seem like Gaviscon is working either.

I'm also so alert. Before I'd shuffle to the bathroom, pee, and return to bed in a fog. Now I see the time (it's ONLY 12:00 am? WTF?) and want to cry. I feel like I'm ready to get up and start my day on the hour, every hour, all night long and morning NEVER comes fast enough. Last night I got up and started watching Tivo'd shows at 2:30 am and surprisingly functioned normally at work.

I guess this is natures way of preparing my body to deal with Sadie once she's here?
I was thinking about that last night. Will this ability to function on no sleep last? Will it be the same as now except with a crying baby? No nausea, heartburn or sore parts? I hope so???? Maybe it will be even better and I'll get some sleep? Eventually?

Although I'm NOT sleeping and night time sucks I don't think I'm complaining, yet. My IRL friend is currently 36 weeks pregnant and she's wanted the baby out for a couple of weeks. Every time I read her facebook status complaining about "still being pregnant' I tell Sadie she is welcome to stay in for the full 10 weeks left. No pressure to vacate. I guess I'm judging her (just a tad) but I can't understand wanting a baby to come before 37 weeks????

I digress.

Can't sleep. I'm not really complaining about it because I feel like a super human but I could really deal without the freakin' heartburn!!!!

30 weeks and Prenatal Classes

I had my 30 week appointment yesterday. Things went well and I did not leave wanting to switch OB's like last time!! I contribute this to the fact that St. Mike's is a teaching hospital so there are often med students and I love it when there are. It means twice the attention for me and the doctor will explain everything in full detail. That was the case yesterday!

Now, I'm not sure if the following is good, bad or irrelevant news but at my next appointment (32 weeks) I will be having a Biophysical Profile (BBP) done. I've read up on this and it sounds like this ultrasound is normally done late in the 3rd trimester *unless* there is an issue. Hypertension was on the list of potential reasons for an early 3rd tri test so maybe that is it? He wrote on the requisition: "low weight gain", "position'. I haven't gained any new weight (still at 6 lbs total) but he said that was of no concern at all because my measurements are perfect. He also said that he wasn't concerned that Sadie was "frank breech" 2 weeks ago because there's still time for her to move. YET... look at the reasons on the requisition? I'm hoping he is just being cautious (which I appreciate).

I'm on my way to two more appointments today - my therapist and the High Risk specialist. I am so sick of doctors!! I can't imagine how hard this is going to be to maintain once the appointments are weekly! How do you even do it?

Anyway.... In other news, outside of Baby Shower drama,we also had our Prenatal class this past weekend. We had a good time and it certainly got us talking about what we want our birth plan to look like. The Queer Positive class was taught by a Homeopathic Physician & Doula. She was great if not slightly (completely) biased towards natural childbirth as were all of the participants in the class. The group was diverse and included a gay couple using a surrogate, an FTM trans couple carrying their child, and 5 lesbian couples. Aside from the couple using a surrogate, we were the ONLY couple using an OB! The others were all with midwives and all but one were doing home births. Great.

Where does that leave us? Prior to the class I thought I'd likely have an epidural. I wasn't keen on the idea after seeing this demonstration yet people kept telling me how amazing they were and how horrible it was BEFORE getting it. I'm a lot more apprehensive now that I've been flooded with anti-epidural propaganda. We were essentially told that an epidural can lead to a prolonged second stage of labor, vacuum extraction and/or forceps, an episiotomy and a c-section. Of course, since we're laboring in a hospital with an OB we'll likely be "pressured into those interventions" sooner than with a midwife . Needless to say I do not want a c-section but more specifically I really do not want a c-section after a 25 hour "failure to progress" labor. That would suck. A lot. Doula 911 - we need her now more than ever!

Aside from being confused we did learn a lot and we also met a lot of great people. Overall it was a good idea to take the class. I'm now really looking forward to the hospital tour. Initially I wasn't going to go on one since I'd had my time in L&D already however I have a lot of questions I need answered. I also want to see the birthing rooms to find out if showers or birthing tubs are available. I'm also interested in using a birthing chair (if no epidural).

30 weeks.... OMG.... all of sudden it feels like so little time and so much planning to do!!

Conclusion

I had a long, hour and a half, conversation with my mother today about my disappointment. To summarize:

1) I am angry with my Aunt for asking if it would be OK not to attend the baby shower for the following reasons:

• Family makes sacrifices for family and with 3 weeks notice I would have accepted her regrets had she made the effort to switch her shift first.
• In the past 2 years we have attended my cousins Stag & Doe, Wedding/Reception and Baby Shower. This is OUR turn to celebrate an accomplishment and we would expect that our presence and generosity during their special times would be reciprocated during ours.
• Using the 2 hour time frame of the shower is a BS excuse to say it is not worth her time. We're talking a 60 minute difference from her daughters shower. That's a petty argument.

2) I am angry with YOU (my mother) for not saying something to my Aunt or standing up for us.

3) A family get together at a later date is not equal to having my family attend my baby shower.

4) No, this is not about presents even if given at a later date. It is about having the support of my family and expecting the same treatment as others have received.

5) The damage has been done and cannot be fixed by telling my Aunt I want her to attend.

My mom said she'd wished that I'd said something the other night. I think I needed a few days to relax because at the time I was really angry. She's not going to say anything to her younger sister but will open the communication to my other Aunt to see if she will still go with her daughter (my 4th cousin). She said she was going to comment on how she is annoyed with her younger sister for not attending but I told her not to. There was an issue with "talking behind backs" leading up to my cousins shower and I do not want that at all. Ironically that time it was about my older Aunt not attending my cousins shower and boy was my younger Aunt pissed. Oh how the tables have turned now...

The conclusion.... My family baby shower is going to be awesome because of the family that WILL be there. I'm not going to waste any more time about the people who will not attend. It's hard not to take it personally but this really isn't worth any more of my time!!!

Family Sucks!

At least mine does and I hate that I feel that way. I hate that they disappoint me. I hate that a single phone call at the end of an amazing week could knock me right off my feet and make me feel horribly sad. Thanks, Mom.

The situation? I found out that my step-mom had sent out the invites to our baby shower and that she wrote the party time as between 1 and 3pm. Needless to say I'm slightly annoyed. My parents are SOCIAL. They throw large parties on a regular basis and they are never so rigidly planned. 2 hours for a baby shower? What does that say to people? Please come and drop off a present and take a piece of cake? The only excuse I can think of is that they are not formal invitation types.

Anyway, my mother was the first to relay the complaints of how "odd" the invite was. My Aunt (mom's younger sister and mom of my pregnant cousin) was one of those who complained. Apparently she's working that day and so is my youngest cousin and "they do not want to lose a full day of pay for 2 hours". My mother went on to say that they had a "great idea". She suggested that instead of my 4 cousins, 2 aunts and mother going to my baby shower they would have a "family get together after the babies are born". That way, my mother told me enthusiastically, my cousin and I could "get together with the babies" and "wouldn't that be fun?".

My response was "I really don't care" but not to plan anything within the first 2 months after the birth because that's full on winter (I'm not driving) and flu season. I told her we would not be parading the new baby around and I refused to commit to it. Whether that is true or not (I do hope people will actually visit us in Toronto and not expect us to commute) I didn't have an appropriate response otherwise. I mean, what could I say? I don't want to FORCE anyone to come to my baby shower. I don't want to make my Aunt & Cousin feel like they need to lose money over it. I wanted to tell her to fuck her family get together and that I'd send pictures of the baby to all of the above. However, even if the tone of my voice gave my extreme disappointment away, my mother wouldn't ever have picked up on it. She thought the idea was GREAT! There would be no convincing otherwise.

The reality is that my mother wasn't coming anyway (because of my father) and my other Aunt lives 9 hours away. Although she had *promised* to come I wouldn't have been that surprised if she'd cancelled. I was really banking on my mom's youngest sister to be there with her daughters. She's the ONLY maternal family I have in Southern Ontario and needless to say I'm furious with her for starting all of this. Having just co-hosted her own daughters shower makes it even more upsetting. Why do they think it is OK to deny me the same treatment at my shower?We were all there for her (not my mother, of course). Having a family get together with my cousin and her baby AFTER ours is born is not celebrating OUR pregnancy. It's a family get together to see the babies. I really can't understand how she doesn't see this?

Honestly, I'm really at my limit with them all at this point. D was ready to make phone calls telling them how upset I was but I urged her not to. She doesn't get that my "I don't care" response is the result of YEARS of being disappointed by my family. Yes, I do care and I did cry to the point of sobbing after speaking to my mom but that won't change anything. It never has and it never will. I'm once again left wondering why they are all so selfish. I know the reality is that my mother sees things her way and apparently sides with her sister. I do not know why 4 weeks notice is not enough time to "switch shifts" to make time but I do know that my step-mom will be pissed off when the regrets come in. I also know she will not keep her displeasure to herself. She's a tough cookie. Maybe if someone else calls them out on it they may see the reality of what it means.

As for the stupid invites? I guess it's too late now that they are out. I'd really like to know what they were thinking or if they weren't. The party will not be 2 hours. That is logistically impossible. I hope other people are smarter and figure that out.

I just can't quit you...

"My host asked what kinds of food I would lIke. My baby shower is being held at a Nail Spa in the back Party Room.. I is not huge so I figure finger food would be best.... Any suggestions?"

"Saturday was the opening day of bow season and I'm 31 weeks pregnant. Just me and my baby bump sat in the woods in a ground blind and I made a perfect shot on a big fat doe just 20 yards away :) I'm not looking for criticism or sparking a anti-hunting controversey - just really proud of myself for my first time killing a deer with a bow and being 31 weeks pregnant at the same time! Any other ladies out there still hunting?"

BabyCenter: You provide me with so much amusement. I just can't quit you... even when you make me neurotic.

Baby Shower stuff

I'm still here...! I think? The problem is that I can't think and I'm not motivated to do anything, including blogging! WTH is my problem? My usefulness is rapidly decreasing (D would argue I've been useless for a while now). ANYWAY... bulleted post:

• Baby Shower Part 1 - As I've mentioned before, we have two planned. One will be hosted by our friend in Toronto and the other will take place at my parents house out of town and will be for family. For a while now I've wondered if the family shower was actually going to happen and then last night my step-mom called last night to ask us who we'd like to invite. Thank goodness! I was starting to worry that they'd neglect to ask D for her family contacts. D was worried too! According to my step-mom, before we had any input, she'd already made a list of 30 people to invite!!??? I think she is inviting people I may not know and I'm extremely curious to find out who is going to be there!!! I guess this means that D and I are being accepted to the point where they will flaunt it to their friends. There's no hiding who we are so clearly they're OK with it!
• Baby Shower Part 2 - Although our friend is hosting, we are helping out... which really translates into me controlling my own Baby Shower because I'm a control freak!! I can't help it. I want the party to be perfect and I want a certain look. It's not about me, really, I want it to be a fun party for our quirky friends.
  That said....D and I went to a party superstore (which was a hellish experience before Halloween) and bought our decorations/plates, etc. We're going with a dark pink and black theme. Probably NOT your typical baby shower colours but our friends will expect nothing less (than odd). I also want THIS cake and no.... I'm not joking. It will be easy to put together because that is clearly a carrot cake from Costco.

In other news I have my first appointment with a therapist regarding my anxiety issues today. I've had a rocky past with therapy because my darkest moods do not come out in public and I generally come across as happy and optimistic. Hopefully I'm able to get into some amount of detail with her and I hope it will help. The therapist I'm going to was referred to me by my "Employee Assistance Program" at work. I get 6 free sessions. So far I'm very pleased with their service since the office I'm going to is literally in the building next door to my condo!! Talk about convenient!

We also have our prenatal classes this weekend and I'm so so so badly dreading them. It's a weekend intensive course and I was excited when I booked them... but now? OMG... how am I going to stay awake? Curious to know if anyone else is planning to go to prenatal?

3rd Trimester!

I can't believe we're in the 3rd tri already!!!

I won't lie though... I'm happy for the progress BUT I've been feeling pretty crappy. It's so true that the 2nd trimester is the best!!

Too tired to write more today or even catch up on blogs. )=

Our Adorable Baby Girl!!

We had our 3D ultrasound this morning. It was a lot of fun but Sadie was NOT cooperating at all!
We were happy regardless and we were pleased that our 20 minute "$99. Tuesday Special" appointment ended up being 45 minutes long. At the end they even asked if we'd come back later to see if we could try again (for free). I wasn't up for it. I know that sounds silly but even as the appointment went on I was shooting D looks to tell her I was done. Ultrasounds are fun but I have limits! I'm guessing that some women may be more likely to complain about not getting a lot of pictures or the quality. We're easy to please because we were thrilled with the session!

She is currently in the frank breech position which means she is bum down in a V shape. Because of this we were not able to get a clear shot of her face. We did get some great profiles though. We were also told 90% girl but she was crossing her legs so it was hard to tell. Here are my favorite pictures.

Picture #1 - Check out her adorable dimple! She's so cute..... but of course I'd say that!!

Picture #2: Those are her knees touching her face and her adorable little hand! I love this shot. I think it is my favorite of them all.
Picture #3: This was the first picture we saw and it was so surprising. She looks so much like my family! We can't wait to see her in person. Will she be my "mini-me"? I'm not sure if that is a good thing....!!

Sadie's Room (Almost done!)

We've accomplished a lot this weekend!

1) Cleared the spare room completely

2) Shampooed the carpet

3) Put down the new PBK rug

4) Completed our "Change Table"

5) Applied the Wall Art

6) Hung Sadie's name on the wall

The pictures:

For our "Change Table" we opted to use our old Ikea Hensvik 3 drawer dresser. I wouldn't say this was a money saving venture because we did end up spending money on the accessories. This is our "before" shot:

Here is the "after" shot. The drawer knobs are from Pottery Barn Kids and the Changing Pad was from a store in Toronto called Li'l Niblets & Sprouts. We love the Changing Pad because it is vinyl/waterproof. We're going to use a receiving blanket in the same pattern (Kushies) to make it soft for Sadie.

Here are some pictures of the Wall Art and Sadie's name on the wall. We're not done with the letters of her name. Right now they are only hanging by ribbon and we do plan on buying something to secure them to the wall (make them less wonky). The circles are "DottiLicious" by WallCandy and the Flowers are by Umbra.
And finally... a Picture of ME where I have not censored my face! This is my 27.5 week belly shot. I'm standing in the parking lot of a grocery store. IF I'd had a better camera we could have captured the CN Tower which was glowing beautiful colours. Instead, I'm just standing in a parking lot! Thrilling.

To complete the room we still need to find a glider and arrange for the delivery of our crib. We also need to buy curtains and do something with the closet. We are thinking of using curtains so we do not have to see the dresser at all times. We also want to add some shelving.

For now, I'm exhausted!!!!!

Feeling better...

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Yesterday was awful – end of the world awful – but today is so much better.
I assume this all started on Tuesday with my less than thrilling OB appointment however the stress of it all didn’t peak until Wednesday night. D said that I was snoring and whimpering at the same time, crying in my sleep. She didn’t want to wake me. In the middle of the night I woke up sick to my stomach and in pain. Everything hurt: my hips, my back, my knees and wrists. I all of a sudden had a dreaded fear of “WTH have I gotten myself into?” Apparently I’m going crazy? D says it’s the baby causing my hormones to go whacky but I know that my past issues with anxiety play a role too. I’m on meds. I’ve been on them since TTC and they have kept me level. Until this week, I guess. Before that my typical pregnancy anxiety has been about the stupidest things ever – e.g. hitting a big bump in the road and wondering if that was the equivalent of a car accident. Or, you know, worrying that Sadie had grown a Penis (I still worry about that one).
I’m going to e-mail my Doula. She has made herself available for the entire pregnancy but I’ve only reached out to her once. I think it is now time that I start to use her as a resource so I can get myself through harder times. I’m also wondering if I’d benefit from some sort of meditation. Maybe she’ll know of a program I can join.
I need to relax. I need to stop reading Baby Center because those women are crazy and it leaks into my head as well. I need to remember that H1N1 is not SARS all over again. I need to make it through the next few months without going bonkers.
One day at a time…

Anxiety

My anxiety is so bad right now.

So bad that I don't want to leave the house.

So bad that I didn't go to work today.

So bad that I've already told my manager that I'm not going tomorrow.

What am I going to do? I saw my OB on Tuesday and he gave me all of 3 minutes of his time. He didn't ask how I was doing or how I was feeling. He simply measured my belly, my weight, my BP and the HB. I tried to ask a question and he answered it while walking out the door. He didn't even say goodbye.

I hated being there. The waiting room (or hallway) was full of sick pregnant ladies in masks (3 of them). I wish I was normal and could process this without freaking out. I sat in the farthest seat from them and was practically in another wing of the hospital. Other women, all pregnant, sat beside them and around them.

I e-mailed my Doula and I asked her what she thought about the flu and giving birth in flu season and she suggested that if it gets bad there may be "alternative birthing sites". She may not be allowed to come to the hospital if it gets bad.

I'm freaking out. I feel like I'm going to catch the flu and die. I feel like for some reason the universe will take me away from Sadie or that D will be taken away from us.

I'm having such a hard time coping with these thoughts and D is beside herself and unsure what to do.

She doesn't understand because she has never suffered from depression or anxiety. She's not the one who is pregnant and so insecure.

It's all me. I feel so alone.

An honest post... sorry if I'm such a downer.