We were given the green light to start Puregon yesterday so we are officially on try #9. My follicle count was a bit different than normal (11 right, 6 left). I'm used to a pretty standard (10,10) but know it could have been a miscount. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I should have asked.
Our first injection was done in the First Aid office at a New Kids on the Block concert! I had worried about it all day but it turned out great. We saw the first aid station and asked if we could use their office. They had no problem at all. The shot is soooo easy. Even easier than the Ovidrel shot which apparently has a slightly larger needle. D said she could tell I couldn't feel it when I wiped the injections site and wiped the wrong spot. I had no idea where the needle went in after I pulled it out!
I'm back to the clinic on Wednesday, Day 6. They said my cycle would be a bit shorter this time. I'm hoping that we are able to have a weekday insemination so I can try the guided ultrasound. Things are looking good but we're up against Good Friday as well. I hope my doctor isn't going to be on vacation again! I have my fingers crossed!!
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 1, try #9
Today is Day 1 and that is both good and bad timing.
Good because I didn't want to go in for Day 3 on Monday morning. Bad because our insurance doesn't kick in until April 1st. CD3 will be Sunday March 29th. We knew that was going to happen but we got pretty close!
I'm feeling better now as I always do going into a new cycle but I do wish we could agree on IVF. I'm so sick of going through this.
Good because I didn't want to go in for Day 3 on Monday morning. Bad because our insurance doesn't kick in until April 1st. CD3 will be Sunday March 29th. We knew that was going to happen but we got pretty close!
I'm feeling better now as I always do going into a new cycle but I do wish we could agree on IVF. I'm so sick of going through this.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Grumpy
I am in a very grumpy mood today - must be PMS. I'm also at home again even though I had planned on going in to work! Today has been awful. I woke up and felt yucky so I opted to not go in again. I feel like there is so much dishonesty for me in this process. I have so many appointments and I do not feel comfortable telling my new manager so I'm left with overwhelming guilt. The fact that I am legitimately not feeling well right now is the only saving grace I have over the last two days.
Anyway... I went in for my Beta and I'm waiting for the results. I also went in for my Puregon lesson and it looks like that will be really easy to handle. I was able to give myself a test shot with saline. I couldn't feel it at all.
For now I'm relaxing and watching possibly the worst horror movie ever - One Missed Call. We'll see how long it holds my attention. I think I'd rather be taking a nap!
ETA - My Beta results were negative. Not surprised!
Anyway... I went in for my Beta and I'm waiting for the results. I also went in for my Puregon lesson and it looks like that will be really easy to handle. I was able to give myself a test shot with saline. I couldn't feel it at all.
For now I'm relaxing and watching possibly the worst horror movie ever - One Missed Call. We'll see how long it holds my attention. I think I'd rather be taking a nap!
ETA - My Beta results were negative. Not surprised!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
14 DPO - BFN
Dr. P seemed a bit surprised to see me at an appointment discussing future options when this cycle is not yet over. I'm not sure how else we'd do it? There is little to no time between a negative Beta and day 1. Next thing I know I'll be in the middle of a next cycle and I'm sick of fucking around with this (pardon my language).
Anyway, I promised I'd go in tomorrow for my beta. I'll also be going in for my training session for Puregon. Originally we had planned to do a month of Letrozole because my insurance does not kick in until April 1st which means I'll be missing coverage by just a few days. When we found out the first purchase would only be $335 we decided to pay for it out of pocket. I pretty much told Dr. P that I'm ready to try anything and everything and that I'm sick of being patient. I also believe that my past lollygagging (which I believe to be the most accurate word for it) was because I've found it easier to not get pregnant because I haven't tried over having failed. I've already felt that urge to "skip next month" but I need to keep going. I'm never going to get pregnant if I allow myself to follow this pattern of trying every 2-3 months just because I find it comforting.
On a side note.. I watched the documentary "Biodad" as recommended by Queerstork. They have a scene in it where an IVF retrieval is being performed on a patient who is knocked out completely. I panicked at this. I didn't think IVF would require anesthesia. Well apparently it doesn't. Normally you are given something to calm you down (like Valium) and a pain killer. Dr. P had seen the documentary and said she was surprised when she saw that! I was happy to hear that because all of a sudden IVF sounded very intimidating.
Anyway, I promised I'd go in tomorrow for my beta. I'll also be going in for my training session for Puregon. Originally we had planned to do a month of Letrozole because my insurance does not kick in until April 1st which means I'll be missing coverage by just a few days. When we found out the first purchase would only be $335 we decided to pay for it out of pocket. I pretty much told Dr. P that I'm ready to try anything and everything and that I'm sick of being patient. I also believe that my past lollygagging (which I believe to be the most accurate word for it) was because I've found it easier to not get pregnant because I haven't tried over having failed. I've already felt that urge to "skip next month" but I need to keep going. I'm never going to get pregnant if I allow myself to follow this pattern of trying every 2-3 months just because I find it comforting.
On a side note.. I watched the documentary "Biodad" as recommended by Queerstork. They have a scene in it where an IVF retrieval is being performed on a patient who is knocked out completely. I panicked at this. I didn't think IVF would require anesthesia. Well apparently it doesn't. Normally you are given something to calm you down (like Valium) and a pain killer. Dr. P had seen the documentary and said she was surprised when she saw that! I was happy to hear that because all of a sudden IVF sounded very intimidating.
Monday, March 23, 2009
13 DPO - BFN
I've already called this cycle a BFN. I consider myself to be on try #9.
I'd love to say I'm handling this well but I'm not. I feel like my heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces and I'm dying. How can I make this pain go away?
The good news in this hellish mess is that I was able to get an appointment with Dr. P tomorrow morning. I feel like I can't call in a Day 1 without a new protocol. I just can't do it. Plus, D and I have finally reached an agreement on selective reduction and therefore are willing to jump into an injectable cycle. Since 2 follicles on 2 different attempts have not led to pregnancy I am much less afraid of potential multiples from more powerful meds. I'm not going to be an octo-mom. We know where to draw the line if/when it comes to that (as horrible as that sounds). I just want to get pregnant!!!
-- Post From My iPod Touch
I'd love to say I'm handling this well but I'm not. I feel like my heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces and I'm dying. How can I make this pain go away?
The good news in this hellish mess is that I was able to get an appointment with Dr. P tomorrow morning. I feel like I can't call in a Day 1 without a new protocol. I just can't do it. Plus, D and I have finally reached an agreement on selective reduction and therefore are willing to jump into an injectable cycle. Since 2 follicles on 2 different attempts have not led to pregnancy I am much less afraid of potential multiples from more powerful meds. I'm not going to be an octo-mom. We know where to draw the line if/when it comes to that (as horrible as that sounds). I just want to get pregnant!!!
-- Post From My iPod Touch
Sunday, March 22, 2009
12 DPO
I'm up early waiting to take my progesterone and then I'll be heading back to bed.
I just used the washroom and I did not POAS. I immediately regretted wasting all that FMU but it's gone now. What can you do? I also bravely left the drugstore without more FRER last night. It's like winning $20. I'm imagining that stupid woman on the news who is picking $20 bills out of her dogs shit because he ate all of her money. At least she gets the money back!!
Anyway...
Since I was up early yesterday (progesterone again) we decided to head down to the market. We hadnt' been since October since it's been so cold but we do go most weekend in the warmer weather. I love the market. I love the Montreal style bagels and all of the vegetables we buy. It's just so much more fun than shopping at a grocery store. It's also great when the produce is in season and you can buy fresh Ontario grown! While there we got our typical Italian Sandwich (chicken, tomato sauce, red pepper on huge bun) to split and some Apple Fritters. This was all by 10:00 am! You can also get real breakfast at most of the little shops but who wants to do that?
After the market, we took a detour home to go to Best Buy to buy the Twilight DVD. Yes, I'm a loser. They had it on sale for $19.99 for the deluxe Bluray edition. It is so nice to FINALLY see Bluray at a decent price!!!
I spent the afternoon sleeping and then D and I went to see I love you man. Good movie. I love Jason Segel.
I'm not sure what we're going to do today. I'd like to go and get an orchestra seat for Spring Awakening. The Friday night show was good but since sitting on stage is rear/side view and I hadn't seen the cast before I did find myself longing to see it from the audience. The lighting for this show is just phenomenal. You don't' get the full effect of that. The seat I sat in was also pretty far upstage (further to the back of the stage). It's a great seat for many reasons such as having only cast members sitting beside you and A LOT of action takes place directly in front of you however it's far back so you do get a lot of rear views. I'm hoping that when D and I go in a couple of weeks our Downstage seat (which is pretty much as close to the front of the stage as you can get) will offer a better perspective of the show.
I just used the washroom and I did not POAS. I immediately regretted wasting all that FMU but it's gone now. What can you do? I also bravely left the drugstore without more FRER last night. It's like winning $20. I'm imagining that stupid woman on the news who is picking $20 bills out of her dogs shit because he ate all of her money. At least she gets the money back!!
Anyway...
Since I was up early yesterday (progesterone again) we decided to head down to the market. We hadnt' been since October since it's been so cold but we do go most weekend in the warmer weather. I love the market. I love the Montreal style bagels and all of the vegetables we buy. It's just so much more fun than shopping at a grocery store. It's also great when the produce is in season and you can buy fresh Ontario grown! While there we got our typical Italian Sandwich (chicken, tomato sauce, red pepper on huge bun) to split and some Apple Fritters. This was all by 10:00 am! You can also get real breakfast at most of the little shops but who wants to do that?
After the market, we took a detour home to go to Best Buy to buy the Twilight DVD. Yes, I'm a loser. They had it on sale for $19.99 for the deluxe Bluray edition. It is so nice to FINALLY see Bluray at a decent price!!!
I spent the afternoon sleeping and then D and I went to see I love you man. Good movie. I love Jason Segel.
I'm not sure what we're going to do today. I'd like to go and get an orchestra seat for Spring Awakening. The Friday night show was good but since sitting on stage is rear/side view and I hadn't seen the cast before I did find myself longing to see it from the audience. The lighting for this show is just phenomenal. You don't' get the full effect of that. The seat I sat in was also pretty far upstage (further to the back of the stage). It's a great seat for many reasons such as having only cast members sitting beside you and A LOT of action takes place directly in front of you however it's far back so you do get a lot of rear views. I'm hoping that when D and I go in a couple of weeks our Downstage seat (which is pretty much as close to the front of the stage as you can get) will offer a better perspective of the show.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
11 DPO
This cycle is going down on the record as the most difficult one yet. My previous 7 cycles did not get me nearly as anxious and hopeful. I feel like I could say "I just knew this was the one" because that is how I've felt for the majority of the TWW. Yet... 11 DPO = BFN.I think that for the most part I've been able to "bounce back" from a BFN and move to the next cycle with an amount of hope and innocence. How else would I end up feeling this hopeful? The problem is that I'm not sure that moving forward I can do this again. If I do not get my BFP from this cycle I'm not sure how I'm going to drag myself back in and do it all over again and actually be optimistic? How many times does this have to fail before I start to think it's never going to work? Unfortunately I think I may have hit that lucky number. Like I said yesterday in my very pathetic meltdown... this is my least favourite part of the TWW. This is when my hope shatters and I remember all of the other BFN I've had in the past and how they've never changed to a BFP. I shouldn't be testing at all. I should wait for the bloodwork but I'm not patient enough. I need to know and I don't want to know... that's why I test at home.
Yesterday I mentioned how I'm upset with our friends. I'm upset because one of our friends messaged us on Facebook (after being MIA for months) and when I responded truthfully to the question about how we're doing/what we've been up to, he vanished again. I've seen him all over facebook commenting on pictures and status updates but he can't respond to my private message and offer support to us? I really do feel like we have "broken up" with our friends. I guess that's what happens when you hang out with a bunch of guys? They don't get it. They're planning trips to Vegas and trips to "Retro Night" at the clubs. They want to see the latest horror flick. They do not want to hear about TTC. Like I said before.. I do partially think it is because they're afraid we're going to want something from them (aka sperm). We don't. I can't help but feel this anger that we have (had?) a big group of close guy friends and not one of them has offered to donate as they see us going through this. When they know the money we've spent on sperm and how it's not working. At the very least it would have been nice for at least someone to say they had considered it and given a reason why they wouldn't.
I really need to stop this...
Next TTC post will be when I have a positive BFN or an extra positive BFP.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Sadness
I'm trying not to be sad.
I spent a solid 30 min crying in a bathroom stall at work this morning. Definately one of the lower points of TTC because I've never done that before. I blame the wave of bitterness that came over me this morning as I rode the subway to work. It was directed at our IRL "friends". Our predominantely male friends who have all vanished from our lives as this journey has become challenging. I feel like they are a"afraid" we're going to ask them to donate so they are just staying away. Or for whatever other reason we've pretty much lost all of our friends. Well... fuck you. Thanks for the support. This process is awful enough without feeling so isolated.
Whatever..
I'm really trying to tell myself that 10 DPO is not the day to get upset. The problem is that I have it stuck in my head from previous attempts where others have gotten pregnant that a BFN now means a BFN always. Like my 1st and 2nd try when my cycle buddies both got pregnant on their first try with early BFP's while everyone kept encouraging me saying it was "still early". Have I mentioned lately that I hate people who get pregnant their first try??
My glimmer of hope yesterday is gone. Replaced by the typical feeling of dread as the end of the TWW quickly approaches. At this point I'm not excited to test. I'm fearful.
D doesn't want me to until Sunday. We'll see. I used both of the FRER I bought yesterday so I'm stuck with only the cheapies. I'm going to try and stick to them and just wait for my b/w on Wednesday. I don't want to spend $60 on HPT this try. I really don't want to. It's so pointless and I am so impatient.
I'm just wrapping up my day and I'm heading back downtown to meet up with D for dinner. I'm going to see Spring Awakening tonight - solo. I'm a bit nervous which is normal since I'm sitting on the stage! Nothing to make you feel better than to see a musical about a girl who gets pregnant, has an abortion and then dies. Yay!
I spent a solid 30 min crying in a bathroom stall at work this morning. Definately one of the lower points of TTC because I've never done that before. I blame the wave of bitterness that came over me this morning as I rode the subway to work. It was directed at our IRL "friends". Our predominantely male friends who have all vanished from our lives as this journey has become challenging. I feel like they are a"afraid" we're going to ask them to donate so they are just staying away. Or for whatever other reason we've pretty much lost all of our friends. Well... fuck you. Thanks for the support. This process is awful enough without feeling so isolated.
Whatever..
I'm really trying to tell myself that 10 DPO is not the day to get upset. The problem is that I have it stuck in my head from previous attempts where others have gotten pregnant that a BFN now means a BFN always. Like my 1st and 2nd try when my cycle buddies both got pregnant on their first try with early BFP's while everyone kept encouraging me saying it was "still early". Have I mentioned lately that I hate people who get pregnant their first try??
My glimmer of hope yesterday is gone. Replaced by the typical feeling of dread as the end of the TWW quickly approaches. At this point I'm not excited to test. I'm fearful.
D doesn't want me to until Sunday. We'll see. I used both of the FRER I bought yesterday so I'm stuck with only the cheapies. I'm going to try and stick to them and just wait for my b/w on Wednesday. I don't want to spend $60 on HPT this try. I really don't want to. It's so pointless and I am so impatient.
I'm just wrapping up my day and I'm heading back downtown to meet up with D for dinner. I'm going to see Spring Awakening tonight - solo. I'm a bit nervous which is normal since I'm sitting on the stage! Nothing to make you feel better than to see a musical about a girl who gets pregnant, has an abortion and then dies. Yay!
10 DPO - BFN FRER
Ok so back to the drawing board.
10 DPO = BFN
I must have been testing the HCG trigger.
Well it's out now. Let's just hope there is something more to test in the next couple of days. I had wonderful dreams of BFP's again last night. I was certain I was going to wake up to a darkening line. $20 in HPT in less than 24 hours. I really need to get this in control but at least I know now that the trigger is gone.
Anything from this point on will be real. It has to be. I need it to be. I feel sadness lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
10 DPO = BFN
I must have been testing the HCG trigger.
Well it's out now. Let's just hope there is something more to test in the next couple of days. I had wonderful dreams of BFP's again last night. I was certain I was going to wake up to a darkening line. $20 in HPT in less than 24 hours. I really need to get this in control but at least I know now that the trigger is gone.
Anything from this point on will be real. It has to be. I need it to be. I feel sadness lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
9 DPO super super faint positive
So I caved and POA FRER.
Super faint positive.
It's now 10 days past my trigger shot.... could it still be that? Or am I catching the beginning of a real BFP??
Oh dear.
Super faint positive.
It's now 10 days past my trigger shot.... could it still be that? Or am I catching the beginning of a real BFP??
Oh dear.
9 DPO
I'm feeling so much hope this time. Last night was full of BFP dreams. I must have pee'd on a hundred FRER throughout the night to see them get darker and darker. I sometimes think it's amazing how after all of this I can still feel so hopeful. Shouldn't I be completely bitter and just assume it's a BFN?
I believe with all my naive heart that this is my lucky try. I have nothing to back that up other than a "feeling" so we'll see.
Am I setting myself up for soul crushing defeat?
Probably.
We'll see what happens.
I believe with all my naive heart that this is my lucky try. I have nothing to back that up other than a "feeling" so we'll see.
Am I setting myself up for soul crushing defeat?
Probably.
We'll see what happens.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dollarama = BFN
D would have been absolutely horrified had she been with me at the dollar store today. I bought sooo many tests. I wonder how many other women do this? It must be common.
Anyhoo...
I tested again tonight and it was a BFN. Not surprising considering the FRER line was so light. It must have been the HCG from my Ovidrel shot because that is the only logical answer. What is crazy (other than the number of dollor store tests I bought) is that the cheapie test didn't pick up any HCG less than 48 hours after my first trigger in December!? Maybe THAT was the dud test?
The TWW is an evil beast!!!!!
No FRER again until 14 DPO!!
Lord knows I have enough cheapies!!
xoxo
Gossip Girl (which is new tonight --- yippeee)
Anyhoo...
I tested again tonight and it was a BFN. Not surprising considering the FRER line was so light. It must have been the HCG from my Ovidrel shot because that is the only logical answer. What is crazy (other than the number of dollor store tests I bought) is that the cheapie test didn't pick up any HCG less than 48 hours after my first trigger in December!? Maybe THAT was the dud test?
The TWW is an evil beast!!!!!
No FRER again until 14 DPO!!
Lord knows I have enough cheapies!!
xoxo
Gossip Girl (which is new tonight --- yippeee)
Off to Dollarama!
I took a HPT this morning because I woke up itching to do it. I wanted to make sure the Ovidrel was out of my system so I could get a BFP and know it was true!
On my last cycle I took it 48 hours post HCG trigger and got a BFN with a $1 test. Now, 6 DPO, I took a FRER HPT and got a BFP. It's really faint like my chemical in July. 6 DPO is way too early. This is evil! That bloody test was supposed to be a negative!
Maybe this happened becuase I was using a $1 store test last time? It seems like anyone who has gotten a BFP from a FRER is also able to get one from a $1 test. I was shocked last time to not see a BFP so early on... that was the point of testing 48 hours after the shot.
UGHHHHH!! Now the TWW is going to be brutal! I'm going to be going to dollarama tonight to stock up on enough tests to last me from now until the 25th.
On my last cycle I took it 48 hours post HCG trigger and got a BFN with a $1 test. Now, 6 DPO, I took a FRER HPT and got a BFP. It's really faint like my chemical in July. 6 DPO is way too early. This is evil! That bloody test was supposed to be a negative!
Maybe this happened becuase I was using a $1 store test last time? It seems like anyone who has gotten a BFP from a FRER is also able to get one from a $1 test. I was shocked last time to not see a BFP so early on... that was the point of testing 48 hours after the shot.
UGHHHHH!! Now the TWW is going to be brutal! I'm going to be going to dollarama tonight to stock up on enough tests to last me from now until the 25th.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Dealing with other people being pregnant
I've noticed that throughout this process I have gained a sort of a pregnancy clairvoyance. I have a great degree of accuracy in predicting other people getting pregnant weeks before they announce. It's become somewhat of a joke at work.
The preggo ladies at my work come in 2 lucky flavours:
1) Doe-eyed newlyweds who are pregnant before their newly built homes have grass planted (We got pregnant on the first night of our honeymoon!!)
2) Those having previously been "living in sin" only to marry to legitimize their intended pregnancy
Returning to work (under both categories) pregnant with #2 after the year long maternity leave is also becoming extremely predictable.
I find that I am not a jealous TTC'er and I think that is a really good thing. Adding envy and jealousy into the mix of emotions would not work for me. I'm sad that our "plans" have all been shit on but I do not begrudge anyone else for getting pregnant when I haven't. Especially since I'm taking it slow. If I said to you we'd tried 24x over the past 2 years (since our first clinic appointment) I may have a different opinion but the reality is, in the last 9 months, we've only tried 2x.
The thing is... and the point to this later in the night rambly post... is that I'm good with it. D is not. I'm finding she's getting really bitter and sad at other people getting pregnant. Today was her co-workers last day at work. She came back from mat leave preggo. As it happens, she's gotten pregnant and will have given birth twice since our first try.
This has lead D to come up to bed saying her "heart was hurting" because of "another pregnancy" (waking me up). Sometimes Facebook is not your friend when you have these feelings. I don't think D can handle anyone else announcing pregnancy over their Facebook status. It sucks. It also sucks when we're in the mall and D sees a lesbian couple with a child and/or baby and says she "fucking hates them".
This breaks my heart because in the real world outside of TTC it is D that is way stronger than I am in every aspect. There is just something about this that his breaking her down and there isn't anything I can do except get pregnant to fix it. This sucks. A lot.
The preggo ladies at my work come in 2 lucky flavours:
1) Doe-eyed newlyweds who are pregnant before their newly built homes have grass planted (We got pregnant on the first night of our honeymoon!!)
2) Those having previously been "living in sin" only to marry to legitimize their intended pregnancy
Returning to work (under both categories) pregnant with #2 after the year long maternity leave is also becoming extremely predictable.
I find that I am not a jealous TTC'er and I think that is a really good thing. Adding envy and jealousy into the mix of emotions would not work for me. I'm sad that our "plans" have all been shit on but I do not begrudge anyone else for getting pregnant when I haven't. Especially since I'm taking it slow. If I said to you we'd tried 24x over the past 2 years (since our first clinic appointment) I may have a different opinion but the reality is, in the last 9 months, we've only tried 2x.
The thing is... and the point to this later in the night rambly post... is that I'm good with it. D is not. I'm finding she's getting really bitter and sad at other people getting pregnant. Today was her co-workers last day at work. She came back from mat leave preggo. As it happens, she's gotten pregnant and will have given birth twice since our first try.
This has lead D to come up to bed saying her "heart was hurting" because of "another pregnancy" (waking me up). Sometimes Facebook is not your friend when you have these feelings. I don't think D can handle anyone else announcing pregnancy over their Facebook status. It sucks. It also sucks when we're in the mall and D sees a lesbian couple with a child and/or baby and says she "fucking hates them".
This breaks my heart because in the real world outside of TTC it is D that is way stronger than I am in every aspect. There is just something about this that his breaking her down and there isn't anything I can do except get pregnant to fix it. This sucks. A lot.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Why?
... did I wait so long to leave my old Clinic?
Seriously!
I feel so good about try #8. The entire experience has been amazing... Night and Day compared to how I had been treated in the past. All of the stress and manic behavior was GONE.
In the past I have always gone into a frenzy of "missing ovulation" or "ruining a perfect try". I think I've come to accept that for the most part (I've had a couple of shiteous cycles), I respond well to Clomid and there will always be another try. That definitely happened this time because my cycle was pretty much identical to the one in December.
Seriously!
I feel so good about try #8. The entire experience has been amazing... Night and Day compared to how I had been treated in the past. All of the stress and manic behavior was GONE.
In the past I have always gone into a frenzy of "missing ovulation" or "ruining a perfect try". I think I've come to accept that for the most part (I've had a couple of shiteous cycles), I respond well to Clomid and there will always be another try. That definitely happened this time because my cycle was pretty much identical to the one in December.
The new clinic is a bit vague on the phone and only provides my Estrogen and instructions for the next day (I found out follicle size and count in the morning). I liked not knowing my LH. It gave me one less thing to worry about. That said, I was curious to know if I was already surging when I was called in for my IUI on Tuesday. I found out that I had surged that morning (my LH was 33) so that means my timing was exactly what the dr. and I had discussed. I was inseminated the day before I would have been on my last cycle.
December cycle: LH 28, Injection of Ovidrel (Day of LH surge), 24 hours prior to IUI.
March cycle: LH 33, Injection of Ovidrel (Day before LH surge), 19 hours prior to IUI.
I feel really good about this timing. This was what I had wanted in December and it is exactly how we planned this cycle. I'm blown away by it all.
As for my IUI, I had a bit of a surprise. Dr. P really was MIA. My IUI was done at my OLD clinic by one of their doctors!! At first I was worried (specfically about running into Nurse Ratched) but then I found out which doctor and was OK with it.
Aside from the cycle being short and near perfect the IUI really summed up the experience. I met my nurse on our floor and she took me upstairs for the procedure. I was happy to see that I didn't have to sit in the main seating area because I really was avoiding Nurse R. No such luck. I saw her and she scowled at me. D (who was not there) said she doubted she was scowling directly at me. I agree. Someone else probably asked her a question. Seeing her ugly face made me realize that she is a miserable bitch and I really shouldn't have put up with her as long as I had.
I digress.
The IUI went very well. This specific doctor has her own procedure room. The room was very relaxing with meditation music and dimmed lights. I was able to warm up the sperm in my hand which I thought was really special (and a first). The nurse told me that it helps for the sperm to be "nice and warm" and that body heat is the best way to warm up the sample. Interesting point. In the past I'm certain there have been times when the sperm was still semi-frozen because of how cold it felt going in. Anyway.... I was also able to see the sperm under the microscope (only second time).
MAJOR points for the Doctor. She asked if she'd met me before. When I said "yes" she asked if she'd done my sono. YES! She had. In April 2007!! Talk about a good memory. Crazy, huh? I was so impressed! She is the doctor I wish I'd had at my clinic.
I digress, again.
My nurse stayed in the room for my IUI and held my arm! My heart mealted. She was so nice to me!
After the procedure was done the Dr. told me to rub her fertility goddess. I took a picture because I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to show D.
Hopefully all of these good things equal a BFP on March 25th!!
December cycle: LH 28, Injection of Ovidrel (Day of LH surge), 24 hours prior to IUI.
March cycle: LH 33, Injection of Ovidrel (Day before LH surge), 19 hours prior to IUI.
I feel really good about this timing. This was what I had wanted in December and it is exactly how we planned this cycle. I'm blown away by it all.
As for my IUI, I had a bit of a surprise. Dr. P really was MIA. My IUI was done at my OLD clinic by one of their doctors!! At first I was worried (specfically about running into Nurse Ratched) but then I found out which doctor and was OK with it.
Aside from the cycle being short and near perfect the IUI really summed up the experience. I met my nurse on our floor and she took me upstairs for the procedure. I was happy to see that I didn't have to sit in the main seating area because I really was avoiding Nurse R. No such luck. I saw her and she scowled at me. D (who was not there) said she doubted she was scowling directly at me. I agree. Someone else probably asked her a question. Seeing her ugly face made me realize that she is a miserable bitch and I really shouldn't have put up with her as long as I had.
I digress.
The IUI went very well. This specific doctor has her own procedure room. The room was very relaxing with meditation music and dimmed lights. I was able to warm up the sperm in my hand which I thought was really special (and a first). The nurse told me that it helps for the sperm to be "nice and warm" and that body heat is the best way to warm up the sample. Interesting point. In the past I'm certain there have been times when the sperm was still semi-frozen because of how cold it felt going in. Anyway.... I was also able to see the sperm under the microscope (only second time).
MAJOR points for the Doctor. She asked if she'd met me before. When I said "yes" she asked if she'd done my sono. YES! She had. In April 2007!! Talk about a good memory. Crazy, huh? I was so impressed! She is the doctor I wish I'd had at my clinic.
I digress, again.
My nurse stayed in the room for my IUI and held my arm! My heart mealted. She was so nice to me!
After the procedure was done the Dr. told me to rub her fertility goddess. I took a picture because I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to show D.
Hopefully all of these good things equal a BFP on March 25th!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Um... Puke
Morning sickness sucks.
Morning sickness without being pregnant sucks a lot!!!!!
Last time I triggered I didn't have any symptoms. This time.... sick stomach. I've been up since 4:00 am and I'm partially panicking about the fact that I need to go to the clinic again this morning. I am soooo tired. I feel like I can't do this.
I finally gave up on sleeping even though I'm exhausted and I'm watching a Tivo'd episode of Degrassi the Next Generation. At 5:00 am.
I think I'm going to call in sick.
I do not like having an upset stomach. I know that sounds stupid because who does? I'm saying I really do not like it to the point of an upset stomach turning into a bad panic attack. I've found that in the last year every episode of feeling sick has turned into me throwing up and having a panic attack about being pregnant. As soon as I feel better I want to be pregnant again yet while I'm sick I don't want it at all. My nerves are shot. This is happening way more than I'd like to admit.
I am terrified of morning sickness (the real deal). I keep telling myself there are meds you can take to make it better but I'm still worried. I am not going to be one of those brave ladies who say "they love every minute of it" because they are "just happy to be pregnant". I'm probably going to get a BFP and then start a 9 month panic attack. Not because this isn't what I want but because that's how I am. I've hid this until now because I do not want anyone to think I do not want to be pregnant or that I'm ungrateful. When I got my BFP in July that is what happened. I didn't have feelings of joy or happiness. I had feelings of complete terror and regret. It's a very confusing feeling to know that you want something so badly but your body betrays you with feelings like this.
Morning sickness without being pregnant sucks a lot!!!!!
Last time I triggered I didn't have any symptoms. This time.... sick stomach. I've been up since 4:00 am and I'm partially panicking about the fact that I need to go to the clinic again this morning. I am soooo tired. I feel like I can't do this.
I finally gave up on sleeping even though I'm exhausted and I'm watching a Tivo'd episode of Degrassi the Next Generation. At 5:00 am.
I think I'm going to call in sick.
I do not like having an upset stomach. I know that sounds stupid because who does? I'm saying I really do not like it to the point of an upset stomach turning into a bad panic attack. I've found that in the last year every episode of feeling sick has turned into me throwing up and having a panic attack about being pregnant. As soon as I feel better I want to be pregnant again yet while I'm sick I don't want it at all. My nerves are shot. This is happening way more than I'd like to admit.
I am terrified of morning sickness (the real deal). I keep telling myself there are meds you can take to make it better but I'm still worried. I am not going to be one of those brave ladies who say "they love every minute of it" because they are "just happy to be pregnant". I'm probably going to get a BFP and then start a 9 month panic attack. Not because this isn't what I want but because that's how I am. I've hid this until now because I do not want anyone to think I do not want to be pregnant or that I'm ungrateful. When I got my BFP in July that is what happened. I didn't have feelings of joy or happiness. I had feelings of complete terror and regret. It's a very confusing feeling to know that you want something so badly but your body betrays you with feelings like this.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Day 13 - Update
I'm so exhausted and so lazy with blogging lately.
We're just so busy and this was an especially insane weekend. We had so many things planned plus we had to go to the clinic Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday. Thankfully, tomorrow is our insemination. Getting up early on a regular day is one thing but getting up early when the time changes is just.... horrible.
Things at the new clinic have been OK. We haven't seen Dr. P since Day 3. I have a very vague recollection of her telling us she'd be on vacation in March. That must be the case because another doctor has been reviewing our files.
I'm not entirely pleased with this because I think they've waited too long once again to trigger me. I feel like if Dr. P was there, knowing my history, she would have done it differently. Anyway, I was called this afternoon and told my insemination would be tomorrow and that I should see the nurse for my HSG shot in the morning (5 hours before IUI)!! I'm not sure what my LH is right now (if I'm surging or not) because they haven't been telling me. I do know that my estrogen is high and my follicles are 1.9 and 2.2. Thankfully I was being my skeptical self this weekend and picked up my Ovidrel. I e-mailed the nurse and she promptly replied telling me I could use it on my own. Have I mentioned "Thankfully"? I took it at 5:00 pm (19 hours before IUI).
I'm feeling OK about this. I'm positive I ovulate quickly so I'm ok that my IUI is before 24-36 hours. I would NOT have been ok if it had been 5 hours after the trigger. The concept of doing the insemination 36 hours post LH surge has not worked so maybe this will be of some use. I'm hoping that the Clomid, Metformin, Ovidrel and ultrasound guided IUI will help. According to the clinic's website, they have 50% higher IUI success rate and claim that the guided ultrasound allows the sperm to be released with greater precision.
We'll see what happens!
BFP?
BFP?
We're just so busy and this was an especially insane weekend. We had so many things planned plus we had to go to the clinic Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday. Thankfully, tomorrow is our insemination. Getting up early on a regular day is one thing but getting up early when the time changes is just.... horrible.
Things at the new clinic have been OK. We haven't seen Dr. P since Day 3. I have a very vague recollection of her telling us she'd be on vacation in March. That must be the case because another doctor has been reviewing our files.
I'm not entirely pleased with this because I think they've waited too long once again to trigger me. I feel like if Dr. P was there, knowing my history, she would have done it differently. Anyway, I was called this afternoon and told my insemination would be tomorrow and that I should see the nurse for my HSG shot in the morning (5 hours before IUI)!! I'm not sure what my LH is right now (if I'm surging or not) because they haven't been telling me. I do know that my estrogen is high and my follicles are 1.9 and 2.2. Thankfully I was being my skeptical self this weekend and picked up my Ovidrel. I e-mailed the nurse and she promptly replied telling me I could use it on my own. Have I mentioned "Thankfully"? I took it at 5:00 pm (19 hours before IUI).
I'm feeling OK about this. I'm positive I ovulate quickly so I'm ok that my IUI is before 24-36 hours. I would NOT have been ok if it had been 5 hours after the trigger. The concept of doing the insemination 36 hours post LH surge has not worked so maybe this will be of some use. I'm hoping that the Clomid, Metformin, Ovidrel and ultrasound guided IUI will help. According to the clinic's website, they have 50% higher IUI success rate and claim that the guided ultrasound allows the sperm to be released with greater precision.
We'll see what happens!
BFP?
BFP?
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 6
My December cycle feels like a blur. Did it really happen? I feel like I've been on a REALLY long break.
I was sitting at work today sorting through e-mails when I saw one from OHS (supplier for xytex) and all of a sudden I realized I'd forgotten to place the order for this cycle! Thankfully I remembered today! Seriously, what's wrong with me??? I forgot the sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've rented a car for this weekend (Thurs- Mon, 4 days) so that I can drive to the clinic and work. Realistically I'm within walking distance to the clinic but I'm so sick of the cold! Cold + early mornings = Painful. I'm also booked for a sweedish massage on Saturday! I'm going to be so relaxed!
I was sitting at work today sorting through e-mails when I saw one from OHS (supplier for xytex) and all of a sudden I realized I'd forgotten to place the order for this cycle! Thankfully I remembered today! Seriously, what's wrong with me??? I forgot the sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've rented a car for this weekend (Thurs- Mon, 4 days) so that I can drive to the clinic and work. Realistically I'm within walking distance to the clinic but I'm so sick of the cold! Cold + early mornings = Painful. I'm also booked for a sweedish massage on Saturday! I'm going to be so relaxed!
Weekend in the closet
Literally.
Our project this weekend was to organize our storage closet. We live in a condo so our closet is our garage. I didn't take a "before, before" shot because it was pretty embarrassing. Let's just say you couldn't open the door! Here is the "before" shot after we cleaned out all of the crap (we have so much stuff to donate).
Here is the "after" shot. We painted the walls brown and added new shelves on the bottom. The floor of the closet was not flat because it is above a stairwell. The shelving levels it out.
Our reward for finishing the closet was to go out to dinner. We decided to only spend the money we found while cleaning (surprisingly quite a lot) and that made digging through old bags and coats a treasure hunt. I'm glad this boring project is out of the way!
Our project this weekend was to organize our storage closet. We live in a condo so our closet is our garage. I didn't take a "before, before" shot because it was pretty embarrassing. Let's just say you couldn't open the door! Here is the "before" shot after we cleaned out all of the crap (we have so much stuff to donate).
Here is the "after" shot. We painted the walls brown and added new shelves on the bottom. The floor of the closet was not flat because it is above a stairwell. The shelving levels it out.
Our reward for finishing the closet was to go out to dinner. We decided to only spend the money we found while cleaning (surprisingly quite a lot) and that made digging through old bags and coats a treasure hunt. I'm glad this boring project is out of the way!
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