I fell AGAIN

This time I fell in the bathtub. I hurt my shoulder and that seems to be it. It was a slow fall because I grabbed onto the towel rack (ripped it clear out of the wall) and then grabbed onto the shower curtain (ripped it down).
Our bathroom is in pretty rough shape right now. God, I hope the baby is ok! Who cares about the bathroom!

Updates...

I do not have bad morning sickness at all. I just feel gross all the time. It’s like perpetual sea sickness. Most often it is not enough to throw up but it’s always there. I’m also extremely tired all the time and can barely eat at all. For what it’s worth, I feel extremely blessed that what I’m experiencing is not worse and I’m actually happy to be feeling pregnant. I really feel for those of you who suffer extreme symptoms.
That said I’m weak and shaky. I’m certain the only vitamins I’m getting are in my prenatal. I’m even having a hard time with flat water and have resorted to drinking Perrier. I don’t know what to do about this and I’m having a hard time believing I will ever enjoy food again. Honestly, I never would have guessed that PLAIN spaghetti with no sauce would be desirable but it’s all I want to eat right now. I wanted to eat better and I had been eating well up until about 2 weeks ago. Now I’m just trying to get by. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m also grieving the loss of Frank.
Boo.
In other news, we haven’t bought our car yet. I can’t believe how badly I procrastinate. It has always been hard for us to justify owning because we live downtown. The reason we’d be taking the plunge now is because I want to have a car before my appointments increase and the baby. The unfortunate truth is that downtown public transportation (Streetcars and Subways) are not suitable to infants in strollers. We live on a subway route and our station is not accessible. Only about 40% of stations are. It’s a total pain.We’ve also started to seriously consider leaving downtown and Toronto. It’s amazing the look of horror I see on my friends faces when I say this. People can’t believe that we’d ever move but I think we may be ready. My tolerance for all things downtown is decreasing. Things are annoying me more than ever and it will only get worse over the summer with an increase in tourists and events like Pride and Carabana (both make me want to run for the hills). Ultimately we will stay in the condo through my mat leave so that I can have the amenities of downtown (including our doctor) close by. After that we will see what happens but I doubt we will be staying in the city

Goodbye Love - RIP Frank - May 21, 2009

Well, we did it.
We decided to go and say goodbye but opted out of being present during the procedure. I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk away and I was almost ready to say I didn’t want to see him at all. In the end we did see him and I’m very happy we made that decision.
We went last night after work. As we were arriving I called from my cell and asked them to prepare all of the paper work so I wouldn’t have to line up and explain in person why I was there. They had my invoice ready ($476!) and the form for me to sign. I was quickly rushed through. I paid, signed the form and we were able to go back and see Frank. I was shocked to see that he was sedated. I know that is the first step in euthanizing an animal but I thought they’d wait until we left. Frank doesn’t handle sedation well as we know from our last emergency when he nearly suffocated on our stairs after “falling asleep” face first. I also asked if he was still on pain killers and the vet said “oh yeah” in a way that meant “obviously”. When I had called on Wednesday morning I was told he needed meds the night before and that really upset me. I didn’t take him to the vet in pain. I hope and pray that whatever they did to restrain him on Tuesday night did not cause an injury.
At that point the vet left and we were given privacy for as long as we needed. During our time with him we took turns holding him and petting him. It was emotional. We had to be extremely careful because if we touched his backend he would cry and growl in pain. We’ll never know what happened to him and I’m sad that this week turned out the way it has. Before I saw him I was feeling a lot of guilt about our motivation. I asked myself many times if my pregnancy was affecting our decision. Having a cat who is defecating around is never appealing but it turns into something horrifying when you add a baby into the mix. The truth is that we were right and it was time. I was at peace saying goodbye and I have no feelings of regret. I didn’t need to be pulled away screaming and I had no urge to run back in and yell “stop”. In reality, If we had prolonged this it would have been selfish. We didn’t need to put him through exploratory x-rays to find out what was wrong. In the end we felt we’d still be in the same place but only after putting him through hell and us into the poor house. As it was, the nearly $500 bill was shocking. I don’t know specifically what that was for and I didn’t ask or get a copy of the invoice. We did end up choosing a private cremation with the return of his ashes for $165. I didn't like the idea of a public cremation, it made me feel sick. He’s my special boy and always will be. RIP Frankie. I love you.

Not Happy (not pregnancy related)

With all of the GOOD news yesterday I also had to suffer some bad news.
My beloved Frank is up to his shenanigans, again.
God, I love this cat but he has caused us so much turmoil over the years. He's such a heart breaker. We've had him on anti-depressants for almost 3 years now to try to stop him from urinating on our carpets. It's worked for the most part but he still slips up and currently urinates on our bath mat on a regular basis.
He's aggressive. Very aggressive. It's caused us to segregate him from our elderly cat so that he does not hurt her. At times I'm afraid of him.
He's not all bad. He's 70% Angel and 30% Devil. The vet LOVES him. They seem to only see his "Angel" side.
Things have recently gotten worse.
Frank has taken to pooping around the condo. I'm embarrassed to even admit this! We come home/wake up to presents on the stairs, in the kitchen in the hallway, etc. etc. I can't put up with this. I can't live in a home where cat poop is everywhere and we can't control it. He also seems to be in an amount of pain because we've caught him "in the act", he GROANS. Pregnancy dangers aside, this is just DISGUSTING.
I took Frank to the vet yesterday to discuss the issues we've been having.
The vet we had was a total idiot. He said there wasn't much he could do about him not using his kitty litter. He suggested I put a kitty litter box in the areas where he is having his accidents. I told him that was impossible. That we already have 2 kitty litter boxes and we cannot have them all over the condo. He's not picking a single spot. He's doing it randomly. The doctor then stuck a thermometer up his ass and Frank lost his shit (figuratively). It was bad. They put a muzzle on him and took him in the back area to draw blood and do a physical exam.
The sounds I heard were horrific. When the door swung open I saw at least 4 people hovered over him trying to calm him down. Along with the yelps/groans/screams I heard someone say "the muzzle, the muzzle, get it, get it". It was like they were dealing with Hannibal Lecter. I didn't know what to do so I just stood in the exam room and waited until I couldn't bear it any longer. I went out and spoke to the assistants at the front and said I had to board him. I refused to bring him home after all that had happened.
They agreed and I left him there.
The thing is...I don't think I'm going back to get him. Ever.
I feel like a monster. I think the vet finally saw the 30% devil and/or Frank is terribly sick. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I can't do this anymore. D and I have had this discussion over the years but the thought of taking an animal to put them down has just horrified us. Especially when the issues we have dealt with have been psychological, not physical. Now that Frank is there it seems like this might be our time to deal with the issue. Finally. We also suspect there is something wrong such as renal failure but we don't even want to wait to find out.
Our condo was so peaceful last night. We weren't worrying about where he was or what he was doing. It felt good. I felt good that my beloved pet was not there.
We have to figure out what we're going to do. All I know is that he is not coming home. I don't want to give him up. I want him to be put down. I don't think it is fair to anyone to pass along this problem. Frank had a good home with us for 8 years. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in a shelter. He's clearly un-adoptable. I just hope that our vet agrees. Every time I bring this up with the vet they do not respect my wishes. In some ways I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I feel that I have the right as a pet owner who has done 200% for an animal to make this final decision.
I'll be calling them today.

Excellent!

Our baby is measuring 7 weeks 6 days (2 days ahead) with a heartbeat of 177 bpm. Our new EDD is December 30th (from January 1st).

Dr. P was happy with the results and we are too! I'm back in 2 weeks for another u/s.

Here's our picture:

I'm starting to get excited now....!!!

Almost there...

I'm about an hour away from heading over to the clinic for our first ultrasound. I'm both nervous and excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time to start drinking some water.

Superstitious?

Are You Superstitious?
I am and you're going to think I'm crazy if you're not this way too!
For my insemination I always wore the following (Yes, I'm showing you my underwear):

1. "I Want" Underwear by Aerie
2. Rainbow Knee High Socks!!! (imagine those in the stirrups)

Since my BFP I haven't worn my wedding band and I haven't used even a single squirt of perfume. Reason? I was in a bit of a rut (understatement) in the 2 week wait and I just "didn't care" to put either on. For some reason I feel the need to keep it going. D would prefer I put my wedding band back on but I don't think I will until 2010!

So, Are you Superstitious?

Confusing? Yes. Exciting? No.

My prenatal check up went well but there isn’t much to say about it. It was pretty much the same as my yearly physical with the addition of filling out extra paperwork. Embarrassingly I wasn’t at all prepared for answering the medical questionnaire. My first blunder was when I was asked the ethnicity of our donor. The only thing I could come up with was “Caucasian”. In the beginning of TTC details like that were important. My description is now something along the lines of: tall white dude with big feet, brown hair and brown eyes. When did I get so flippant?
For the record, he is English/Irish.
I left the appointment extremely confused. I love my doctor but I do wish she wasn’t so extremely flexible. Rather than booking my appointments she gave me the option of setting the times myself. That way I could work them into my schedule. This seemed to be a good solution until I realized everything I had to remember. I have to book my integrated first trimester screening which is an ultrasound and blood work for genetic disorders. I also need to go back in for some prenatal blood work to check iron levels etc. I’ll be seeing her again in about a month for another check up. Honestly, after writing that all down it doesn’t seem as crazy as it had last night!
Also, I completely forgot to ask about the schedule for the anatomy scan. I have too many other things on my mind right now. I just want the 19th to come and go with no issues.

Moving along..

Time is creeping along. 1 week tomorrow will be our first u/s at 7 weeks, 4 days and I’m equally excited as I am so incredibly nervous. I’ve booked the day off since the appointment is the day after Victoria Day. There didn’t seem to be a valid excuse I could use to be late for work the day after a long weekend. I’m not complaining. I’m looking forward to my 4 day weekend.
I’ll be going in for my prenatal check-up tomorrow. I hope to clarify the dates for future ultrasounds. I also have a lot of questions to ask. So far I’m feeling pretty good. I’m somewhat worried that I do not have morning sickness although D would strongly disagree with that statement. I have had some gagging issues and a couple of situations where I’ve thrown up due to gagging but I haven’t felt nausea. I mostly have no appetite at all. I’m starting to think I may lose some weight because food is just so unappealing to me right now. The gagging is from thinking about eating or having just eaten and once again thinking about it. Is that morning sickness? If so, it certainly isn’t the kind I’ve read about.

klutz

I'm a clumsy fool and tripped this morning on the way to work. I went down hard and landed on my Knees/Hands. My knees were scrapped but not bruised and my hands are fine.
I've googled "falling & pregnancy" until there was nothing left to google and everything stated I should be ok.

OMG what a scare.

The rumors are true!

It's official, my cousin in pregnant. She's finally announced to the family and her due date is November 25th. Up until now I've just been going on gossip. My uncle told my dad he thought she was pregnant and then my dad told me and I told my mom... I wonder how many people secretly know about me behind my back?
Anyway, it looks like we're just over a month apart. For some reason I still feel jealous. Hopefully once we get through the first ultrasound (May 19th) I'll feel more confident. Right now I just feel like an impostor.
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks. I can't wait until the first trimester is over!

Decision making time

Decisions, decisions... I went to my doctor to get an OB referral. I found out that I will not be transferred to OB care until 20-27 weeks. Until then I will be treated by my GP. That was a bit shocking but I love my doctor so I'm not upset by it. She also seems excited to treat me.My next appointment is on May 12th for a prenatal physical. She said it wasn’t necessary in my case but it was a mandatory step. She’ll also send in my referral at that appointment.
Now, we have a problem. The OB my Dr. has recommended is at the one hospital in all of Toronto I did not want to give birth at. Crap..
I was given the option to do research and make my own decision. My apprehension about this hospital was based on hearing more than one first hand account of discrimination towards same-sex families. Not to mention I was there once and it was gross. I told my doctor my concern about discrimination and she assured me the Doctor she suggested would be fine because he’s gay. We are part of an LGBT medical program so she is probably right. There is no way they would be affiliated with a hospital that would treat us poorly.
I decided to give this guy and the dirty hospital a chance so I looked him up at RateMDS. Here was the comment that stuck out most:
He has great attitude and is very courteous. The only problem is that after more than 5 meetings, I don't feel like I know him or like he knows me. I'm usually in and out within 3 minutes, I struggle to "catch" the stats such as baby's heart rate etc while nurse is dictating them to him.... I'm not really told anything about anything, just measured and told when to come next. Everything is very rushed, and for somebody who is first time pregnant, this may not be the best thing.
My other option is a hospital that is also close to where I live. It seems to have a better reputation on so many levels. This really seems like a no brainer. Yes, I feel bad for not going with the OB I have been recommended but I doubt I’ll regret this (at least based on the hospital program). Here is a description of both programs: Hospital 1 and Hospital 2. Can you guess which one I’m going with? Btw, I did discuss using a midwife and my doctor said she is concerned because of my blood pressure issues. She thinks I would be better off with an OB.
In other news, I have not yet had my first u/s. It hasn’t even been booked. I’ll be going in on Friday to buy more progesterone so I’ll mention it to the nurse when I see her. I thought I’d have it this week (before 6 weeks) or maybe next week but I’m not pushing for it. I’m not sure how many u/s I’ll get and I’d really like to see as much as I can.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I’m not feeling pregnant at all!! That may be a bit of a lie but it certainly hasn’t been anything like I thought it would be. I have read so many accounts of people who POAS and suddenly have a bunch of symptoms. It hasn’t been like that at all. I’m having some food issues such as an extremely decreased appetite but no nausea. I go between not wanting to eat at all and complete starvation. Sweet foods are unappealing and I’ve had an increased desire for Mexican Food. This has lead to consuming many tacos, burritos and fajitas. My step-mom says that craving salty means I’m having a boy. We’ll see about that!! Apparently I have to wait until 27 weeks to find out… that seems like FOREVER. It’s crazy how time flies when you’re TTC yet now time is going so slowwww.

Internet Vacation

I'm on an internet vacation.
I'm password restricted which means D needs to log me on.
Do you ever feel like you're addicted? To blogging? To google? To reading things that may upset you and make you worry too much?
NOT having 24/7 access to the internet has been pretty cool.

I will blog tomorrow via my ipod on the subway. I have updates!