Christmas Decorating

D and I put up our Christmas tree today! Here's a picture:
We also went to the mall. I got a hoodie from Aéropostale because there was a good sale. D bought a couple of tops for going to see shows in NYC. Speaking of NYC we switched our hotel on Friday. We ended up getting an amazing deal on a hotel in midtown that I've always wanted to stay at. We were going to be staying on the upper west side (96th) which was the best deal we could find at them time. Actually it was the ONLY deal we could find at the time. It seems that the recent negative press due terrorist threats may have worked in our favor as tourists who will not cancel our plans. Of course I'm not pleased with what is happening but mostly because I have seen what increased security looks like in NYC and frankly its a bit scary itself. Safe is good but it does take away a bit of the festive feeling when you see machine-gun-toting soldiers.

CD 3

Some things never change.
The clinic seemed busier than ever this morning. D was grumpy. I was tired. I also went in without a full bladder and had to endure a painful u/s to make up for it. I am such a bad Day 3. I think making someone hold their Pee after waking up is cruel. It's a reflexive action to get up and pee in the morning. Sorry, but I just can't hold it and wait for an u/s! Of course (as usual), the water I gulped down to "refill" didn't fully hit me until on the subway and halfway to work.
Oh and the u/s tech asked me if I had PCOS. bleh. I'm so happy be back! My results? 10 small follicles on the left, 10 on the right. I've been cleared for 100mg of Clomid to start on Sunday. I'm trying to decide if I should start at night or in the morning. I have to go back and see which worked best for me.
Anyway...
... my coworker came past work with her 9 month old daughter. She was sooooo cute. I am NOT the type to be all over a child I do not know unless I'm related or good friends with the parents (I think it's weird when people maul children they do not know). However when my coworker asked me to hold her I just about melted. She was so sweet. Sigh. Too adorable. My co-worker is Chinese and while holding her daughter I actually thought "I wonder what would happen if we used an Asian donor"? THAT is how designer babies are made. The possibilities are endless with ART. It's kind of crazy.

Lucky 7

I'm official on try number 7.
AF arrived on time on the 26th and I've booked all of my appointments and ordered our unit of spermies.
I've switched to Xytex and it ended up being $70 cheaper than Fairfax due to a combination of the sperm and shipping being less expensive. They also do not require notarization for using Open ID so technically we saved an additional $50. I wonder why Fairfax requires notarization? I thought it was a regulation they were following but I guess not.
I really like the donor we've selected. I like him more than our previous three so I hope he is the "one". In fact I think I can say now that I didn't like our last donor. Last month I was nervous about trying again and when we found out our donor was sold out I was upset but also relieved. With our 1st and 2nd choice donors I was always picturing what our little one would look like. With our 3rd donor I was really stressing out about him. I was worried our child would look too much like him, etc. Something was just rubbing me the wrong way. With the new donor I'm back to that giddy feeling again when I think about our baby. This is a good thing. I really can't say how off and horrible I felt on my last cycle. I want lucky #7 to be the one!!!

Metformin is a Go!

The prescription is in the mail and I'm so (not) excited to try it but will do what it takes. I wonder if my insurance will cover it? My Clomid and Progesterone are not covered.
Speaking of Clomid. My RE wants me to go on 150 mg. I'm confused because it seems to be doing nothing at all and its possible it screwed up my cycle. My first 2 rounds were promising @ 50 mg but I only had 1 follicle both times. Since I'm able to ovulate and can create follicles around 1.9/2.0 on my own I figured the only benefit would be increased number of follicles. After 2 rounds of 50 mg I went up to 100 mg and my cycle was all wonky but I guess it did work. I'm not ready to go to 150 mg. I do not want multiples. Not even twins.

4 random thoughts

1) Work Holiday Party - Our work party was on Friday night and up until Thursday I hadn't planned on going. That was until I was at my friends desk when her manager came up and gave me a ticket and begged me to join them. I figured there was no harm in going and in the end I'm glad I went! Our work parties have normally been held in nightclubs where dinner was a set of food stations and you would wander around mingling with your coworkers. Not so much fun in my opinion especially when you are trapped in a dark nightclub with loud music. This year they did a sit down formal dinner. It was pretty much the same as any wedding reception that I've been too. The food was beyond amazing including the Tiramisu in a chocolate shell dessert. OMG, amazing. The DJ was good and everyone had a really great time. They had a great midnight buffet that included several large jars of candy. Watching your coworkers and directors get sloshed is a lot of fun. Normally I do not stay for the entire event but this year it was worth it.

2) New York City - When we had originally booked our mini-vacation to NYC we had decided we would not be seeing any shows. Of course this was never going to happen but we said it anyway. Afterall, we've been to NYC over a dozen times and we always see shows. This time we were going to see the Christmas lights. YEAH RIGHT. We're totally going to see the lights and windows but the shows crept in slowly. First we decided that we had to see the Rockettes at Radio City. We booked an early show on the day we're set to drive home. Crazy? Totally. Next up I searched to see if there were any Spring Awakening on stage tickets available. There were. I begged D but she said no because she doesn't want to see the show again (we've seen it 3x). That led to arguing that there really weren't any shows we wanted to see except for Equus (aka Harry Potter's play). Next thing you know we have tickets to Equus. But that is on our first night so it's OK because we'll still have the complete next day to see lights and display.
Ha!
That was until this morning when I logged onto Facebook and got a discount code for Fuerzabruta. $39 tickets - you can't beat that and I've been wanting to see this show desperately since it opened. We've actually been to NYC twice since then but it didn't fit into our schedule. Also, D was so traumatized by De La Guarda (same creators as Fuerzabruta) that she pretty much told me she'd never see it. You'd think after 10 years she'd get over it but as far as I'm concerned if you walk out of a show shaking and are still deeply affected by it several years later it must be good show. De La Guarda was one of the best experiences of my life. I booked 10 pm tickets so that we'd have plenty of time for dinner and sightseeing before the show.
So we went from seeing "no Broadway shows" to seeing Fuerzabruta, Equus and the Rockettes. This is going to be an exhilarating trip!
3) AF - TMI ahead. I woke up yesterday morning and thought I had AF. I even called the clinic and scheduled my Day 3 u/s and b/w. However as the day went on it appeared that it wasn't AF. I have a small cut that was bleeding. I honestly have no idea where this cut came from! I was so embarrassed calling the clinic back to cancel my appointment. I said it was just "spotting". I didn't want to get into the details of my apparently bleeding wound. Hopefully AF shows soon. I was so excited because I need AF to be early this month so we can fit our December try in before the clinic closes for 2 weeks. FX it comes soon!!
4) Twilight - D and I went to see Twilight yesterday afternoon. We both expected it would be awful but to be honest, we really enjoyed it. It's total cheese but if you've read the books you shouldn't be surprised. I know some people are complaining that Kristen Stewart as Bella was "annoying". I agree but I think that is because Bella is annoying so Kristen played the part perfectly. D wants to go again. I think I'll pass but we will buy this on Blu-Ray when it is released.

Here is video of Fuerzabruta. It looks AWESOME. I cant' wait!!

I'm ready

It's been over 3 months since our false BFP/Chemical Pregnancy and I really needed the break. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy but when you get to try #4, #5, #6 and still no luck you feel a level of disappointment that is overwhelming. Up until #6 I felt normal. Now I feel like there is a problem. By try#6 I'd worked myself into near hysteria over getting pregnant so when it almost happened I was so sick with nerves I didn't know what to do with myself.
People keep telling me that I need to relax to let it happen but the fact that I do not like the process will not change. I try to explain this and people don't get it. D and I may both suffer from early wakings but ultimately I'm the one that has to experience a personal and invasive procedure morning after morning.
Hopefully I'm now relaxed and hopefully our new donor works because I really like him.
AF is on its way within the next few days!!!

I'm not done yet....

You know what is really annoying? That my mother found out about our trip to NYC and used that to justify asking for her money back. What does she want? For me to cancel our trip to pay her back? Would she really ask me to ruin my Christmas Plans?

My mother always gets really annoyed when she finds out we're going on a vacation. I've told her numerous times that we work hard for what we have and we choose to spend our money to go on a couple of vacations a year. It's our choice. She really must think we're rich if she thinks we can hand over hundreds of dollars to her on demand. We budget our money. We've just finished our Christmas shopping and are set to buy more sperm in a couple of weeks. She also knows that we have not had good luck lately with Frank's vet bills being over $700 at the end of September and our dishwasher needing replaced. Yes we booked a 2 night trip to NYC (2 freakin' nights) instead of exchanging gifts (which we often go overboard with).

Bleh. Moving on...

Last night we went to Much Music to see the cast of Twilight. D is all into Twilight (the books are OK) and wanted to see Robert Pattinson. It was crrrazy. There were so many screaming girls and it was pouring rain. I gave up and went across the street. I had to get away from it. I ended up going into Tribal Rhythm and I bought a new shirt to put on since mine was soaked. I got some OK pictures of RPatzz for D and then we left. Brrr it was cold. We didn't end up going to the Santa Claus parade because I didn't think I could handle anymore cold weather. Instead we went to the mall which was also crrrazy. It seems like the Christmas season is in full swing.

On that Note: Christmas Meme taken from Stacey & Angele's blog

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I prefer using wrapping paper but I sometimes use gift bags.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial. I like to put the tree up earlier than a real tree would last.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Normally the weekend of the Santa Claus Parade which was this weekend. I'll probably put it up next weekend.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Weekend after New Years.

5. Do you like eggnog?
The Flavour, yes. The drink, no.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
My little Pony stable.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My father. He is so hard to buy for. He always has something to say about presents he receives.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
The kids, that's obvious. Other than that D because she wants so much. Unfortunately I'd go broke if I bought her all of the video games she desires!

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, it's a Precious Moments play set.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mixture.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Can't think of one. I would never tell someone I didn't like a gift - I'd just return it at Walmart (they'll take back anything).

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
One Magic Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Early Fall but I often do not finish until December 24th!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
No - I return them to Walmart.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Pomegranates

16. Lights on the tree?
Lots and Multi-Coloured

17. Favorite Christmas song?
Do they know it's Christmas?

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay at Home. I don't think my Father would ever forgive me if I missed Christmas.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's?
No.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Christmas Night. D and I run around during the day and save our presents for when we get home.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
How busy the malls are.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
Our tree is multi-coloured. We do not have a theme. Pretty much anything that sparkles.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Turkey and stuffing.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A BFP since that will be about when I'm able to test!

My Mother - Part 3

This is going to be long. I'm really in a bad mood.
My mother called last night. I was late getting home from work and D met me at the door saying she was on the phone. I thought she was going trying to catch us before the weekend started so she could chat. Apparently not. I get to the phone and my mother seems surprised that I was home so late and asked me "not to get mad at her" but "could she have her $900 by December" because "she has her taxes to pay and now that she has her new car money is tight". Duh.
I'm really pissed off. She told me when she bought us our TV in May that it was a gift. At the time I was thrilled because she hasn't bought me a present in years (not even a Birthday or Christmas Card). D wasn't so thrilled. She was cautious from the beginning saying that there was no gift my mother could give without strings attached. Boy was she right! While I was assembling the TV my mother commented on how nice her new TV was. WTF?
Within a couple of weeks she asked for the money back. Saying she needed to pay her taxes (first of two yearly payments). I told her we didn't have $900 to spare that we were mid cycle and just paid $1400 for sperm. She said "forget about it".
I know I should just give her the money and let it go but this is about way more than a TV.
My mother is so irresponsible and I'm sick of feeling like I know better than her. I should look to HER for advice but instead I'm stuck dealing with her poor choices.
First - She's spent A LOT of money this year. Just before we went on vacation she bought all new appliances and while we were away she bought herself a new laptop and an iPod. She also just bought a new car.
Second - She's giving away stuff - for free! Her old appliances still worked and she gave them away! She also gave away her queen size bed and mattress.
Third - She's working for GAS MONEY - $20 a day. She's helping this Korean family that owns a bunch of real estate in her town run their grocery store so they can "get out of debt" and become Canadian citizens. And when I say "working" I mean WORKING. She's there every day cooking food for their deli counter making them money and all she gets in return is $20. Part of her job is driving around and buying food for them to sell so she actually uses gas on their behalf so she's not making any money. These people are also the recipients of the stove and refrigerator she gave away.
Where do I start? And why should I? Does my mother need me to tell her that she is on a pension and retired? I'm very sick of telling her she's being used by people who are not less fortunate than her but rather sucky business owners. I'm sick of telling her that she should be PAID and that if her food "sells out" like she brags it does she should start her own catering business and sell her product to the store.
I'm livid that she bought that stupid car. Adding a $300 payment to the budget of a pensioner is stupid and I said exactly that when she asked me for the $900 back in October for the purpose of paying her first 3 car payments. I told her she couldn't afford the car if she was already trying to find money to pay for the payments.
I'm also so sick of the fact that she is being so generous with people who are NOT her family. For all of the appliances and the bed she gave away she could have made a few hundred dollars that apparently she needs.
She's always had her parents to bail her out when she's in need. That must be nice, huh? I often feel like the day I moved out was the last day I was her daughter. I called her out once saying that she's had so much help from her parents over the years and that she's never stopped being their daughter to become my mother. Why can't she see that something as little as a Christmas card would make me happy? Why can't she see that while she's being so generous to other people she's completing ignoring me?
I have not had one hand out and I have never asked for one. Years ago in therapy I had a revelation: If I were to treat my mother as my friend and not a parent I could have a relationship with her. If I expected NOTHING I could never be disappointed. I could live with the way she treated me.
So screw the damn TV! The "birthday present" I thought she gave me. The first "helping hand" I thought she'd given me since I left home.
I guess I'll be mailing out post dated cheques on Monday which she said she'd accept. She said she'd just take the money from her inheritance and then pay it back as I give her the money. In other words she's not SOL for tax money - she just doesn't want to dip into her savings.

Finally...

I don't think I've mentioned this but I finally got my lazy ass to a Lifelab to get my PCOS bloodwork done. What a pain! After finding out I had to sit at the lab for 2 hours I downloaded"Made of Honor" from itunes to watch on my iPod. Watching the movie took up most of the time so the wait wasn't that bad. I also called to get my requisition for a second Sonohystogram which I'll do at the beginning of December. I'm being so productive!!

Also...We've found a new sofa that we both agree on. We didn't even fight in the store! It's simple, not expensive and in a colour that is similar to the couch we have now. It's perfect for us because it has a chaise but it's removable. The chaise has been a big issue because I do not like them. This way we can put the sofa in different positions rather than committing to a left or right chaise and if I don't want it on at all it can be removed and replaced by a square cushion. yay!

Cleaning

I'm taking a break from cleaning. I've completely torn the Kitchen apart. D is freaking out because whenever I clean it looks like a tornado has struck before it gets better. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I think I like getting rid of things more than acquiring them. I'm throwing out so much stuff (including cough syrup with an expiry of 2005- yuck!??!).
I've also attacked our closet and we're donating half of what was in there. We have way too much clothing. Most stay folded by the washer/dryer and never get put away because there is no room where they belong. There's room in the closet now but that's only half the battle. I still have our large dresser which is busting out it's so full of summer clothes. I'm sure we can donate most of it. Again, I'm sure the summer clothes we wore this year are on the 3rd floor in a pile waiting to be put away.
Back to work... before I get in trouble.

NYC...!!

I'm not sure if it was the scent of Wanda's Belgian Waffles pouring onto Yonge Street or going to see Idina Menzel at The Music Hall but D and I had NYC on our minds Friday. Not a good thing! We started talking about going in December and then all of a sudden we had a hotel and car booked. We're going to NYC for Christmas!!!!. I'm thrilled! I've always wanted to see the lights and decorations but for some reason we've never been in late November or December. I'm also hoping we'll get to see Fuerzabruta. I can't wait! Oh, and we're staying in the City. D would never have agreed if it meant commuting from NJ again. That sucked (the commuting part - not NJ).
As for the Idina Menzel show. Idina Menzel was in both RENT and Wicked so she has a following of some really insane fan girls. The BEST part of the show was when the audience started to "MOOOOO" and she responded with "Fuck YOOOUUUUUUU". Mooing is a RENT reference and I'm certain she is so sick of RENT and people mooing at her! The only reason I agreed to go was because D wanted to. She has a goal of seeing all of the Original Broadway Cast of RENT. That may sound obsessive but she isn't all fan girl about it. She only has one cast member left to see, Taye Diggs - Idina Menzel's husband who is currently on Private Practice. Hopefully he'll be on Broadway again soon so we can get this over with.

Catching Up

This weekend has been amazing. We've been doing what we want to do on our schedule! It's great that we've made plans to do so many things lately but it's exhausting. We have 1 more concert to go to and then we've used up the stack of event tickets we've been holding onto. Last weekend was insane. We drove to Auburn Hills (Detroit) to see New Kids on the Block on Saturday night and then came back first thing Sunday morning so we could see SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE in Toronto. Both shows were fun but it left me exhausted for Monday morning! On top of all of that running around this week was not kind to me. I had to work late Tuesday and Wednesday night and then we had tickets to A Chorus Line on Thursday. Needless to say I was so happy by the time Friday came around!
I've been mindlessly blogging for the last little while because I felt too overwhelmed with things that were not going right for us. I was so sick of donor issues and also sick of the problems with my BIL. We have updates on all of the above including a half-ass attempt at trying this cycle. Basically BIL is still not talking to us. It's been over a month and a half since we've heard from him our seen the children. It's breaking my heart but there's nothing we can do and I feel that my MIL is being heartless about it. She'll call and tell us how she's seen the kids or that she took my nephew to a football game. Clearly she doesn't get how much it hurts us that we've been cut out. D has also finally admit that she is upset with her brother and "is not talking to him". We're making no attempt at contact - through Facebook, e-mail or calling.
As for trying this month - we called the clinic and set up our Day 3 monitoring but ended up canceling it after we found out our donor is no longer available. This was the donor we used our last attempt which was a chemical pregnancy so I really felt like "he was the one" and the next time we tried we'd get pregnant. I've been on break for 3 months and in that time I've done nothing to improve my odds. I could have gone on Metformin and I could have lost weight but I didn't. I kept thinking that we were going to use a KD and the "fresh stuff" would be the ticket to getting pregnant. Since our KD (both of them) fell through I at least thought if we tried using the same protocol as our last anonymous donor attempt we'd have a shot. Now without him as well I felt like we'd just be wasting more money and energy on something that wouldn't work.
The good news is that we've selected our next donor and we both really like him. We ended up switching to Xytex because we couldn't agree on another Fairfax donor. Apparently we used the only 3 donors at Fairfax we'd even consider. D likes this new guy a lot because he's left handed like her.
I hate this process so much. The fact that during our time TTC 2 of the donors we've used are now sold out brings up the issue of buying for the future and not just the present. We've already been down this path and I hate that we're on it again. When we first started TTC we bought 8 vials of donor #1. We ended up using 5 and selling back 3. At that point we were using 2 vials per try and try #5 would have used up 2 of our final 3 leaving 1 vial for a future pregnancy. We felt we had no other choice but to sell back and start over with a new donor. At that point we decided to buy "one attempt at a time" and then once pregnant we'd buy several and put them in storage. In retrospect I'm glad we did this because had I bought another grouping of vials only to find out 3 months later our donor would be sold out I'd feel like we were right back to the situation with donor #1.
I guess our issue is that we need to become more disconnected with the anonymous donor we choose. Unfortunately we've already become attached to the donor we hope to use next and I'm not even certain he is available. After 30 minutes and just by reading his essay I was able to identify him "in real life". I always wondered how people were able to find their donors. Clearly Xytex provides more information than Fairfax because it was pretty easy.
Anyway... we're trying to fit a try in December. Our clinic is closed for 2 weeks but my cycle will start in November so I think we'll be able to fit an attempt in. FX.
As for what I'm doing to improve my odds? Well, I'm going on Metformin and I'm cutting carbs. I'm going to be a cranky bitch!!