Worry

My life is becoming too full of worry.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.