December 15th

Thank you for all of the words of encouragement regarding yesterday’s news. Bah humbug I’m just annoyed I’m not going to get to be surprised into labour. I know I'm not alone and that MANY of us have tossed our birth plans out the window. Why did I think planning was even an option? How did TTC teach me so little? I'm holding onto hope that there is still a chance for going natural. I’m not sure if Sadie has dropped or not but the kicks seem to be coming from lower down (around my belly button) and I’m feeling very different the last couple of days. Here’s hoping she’s early! In the meantime I’m going to book acupuncture to see if I can help get her ready. That said I have a feeling that at my next appointment on December 23rd I’ll be sent for induction. I’ll be 39 weeks exactly, it’s an 8:30 am appointment and if my BP is high I can see it happening. Therefore the goal will be readiness by the 23rd. I’ll drive that day and park in a 24 hour lot and I’ll bring my bag. Better safe than sorry!
On the home front, we’re still very much working on readiness! I put our swing together on the weekend (easy) and finally opened the Stokke box last night (not easy). The directions were vague and wordless but fortunately the online PDF version was much better. The “users guide” that came in the box was oddly laid out and made no sense. I'm going to make an attempt at it tonight!
Next up is my mom – please stop reading here if you are as sick of her as I am!!
After my 8th attempt at reaching her yesterday I left a message wishing her a happy birthday and asked for her to call back “if she had the time”. She called. She was still in her depressive mood. She spoke quietly with no inflections in her voice and I could hear the clanking of ice cubes in her glass which signalled to me that she was drinking. I realized while talking to her that she has finally broken the last thread that held us together. I don’t want her around me. I don’t even want to talk to her yet I have to try for the sake of Sadie. At the end of the phone call I asked, as enthusiastically as I could, if she’d dealt with her issues about the baby. Her response was: Well can I come and visit in January? What does that mean? Let me see the baby in January or I never want to meet her? Right! Through gritted teeth I said she could come after the 18th (D is off for 3 weeks starting the 28th of December).
As soon as I got off the phone I wanted to scream. I don’t want her coming. I don’t want to be treated like that and my daughter threatened (that she’ll never meet her grandmother) if I don’t do something the way she wants. She *is* being manipulative. What a bitch! I've been so stupid. The good news is that as soon as I said it was ok for her to visit the excuses started to pour out. I have a doctor’s appointment on the 21st, I’ll need to arrange someone to take care of the animals, and the weather might be a problem, where am I going to park the car…. So in other words I gave her what she wanted and she’s still not going to come but at least she got her way.
One of the most poignant things she said in our previous phone call was when she asked if I was happy. When I said “yes” her response was: “Well then, you don’t need me”.
You’re right mom. I don’t need YOU but perhaps YOU need ME. This is all about her and nothing about me. It's all about how SHE feels and what will make HER feel of value.
Well, I have two not so nice words for her...... but I won't because I'm better than that!