So bad that I don't want to leave the house.
So bad that I didn't go to work today.
So bad that I've already told my manager that I'm not going tomorrow.
What am I going to do? I saw my OB on Tuesday and he gave me all of 3 minutes of his time. He didn't ask how I was doing or how I was feeling. He simply measured my belly, my weight, my BP and the HB. I tried to ask a question and he answered it while walking out the door. He didn't even say goodbye.
I hated being there. The waiting room (or hallway) was full of sick pregnant ladies in masks (3 of them). I wish I was normal and could process this without freaking out. I sat in the farthest seat from them and was practically in another wing of the hospital. Other women, all pregnant, sat beside them and around them.
I e-mailed my Doula and I asked her what she thought about the flu and giving birth in flu season and she suggested that if it gets bad there may be "alternative birthing sites". She may not be allowed to come to the hospital if it gets bad.
I'm freaking out. I feel like I'm going to catch the flu and die. I feel like for some reason the universe will take me away from Sadie or that D will be taken away from us.
I'm having such a hard time coping with these thoughts and D is beside herself and unsure what to do.
She doesn't understand because she has never suffered from depression or anxiety. She's not the one who is pregnant and so insecure.
It's all me. I feel so alone.
An honest post... sorry if I'm such a downer.
Sorry you're feeling so lousy.
ReplyDeleteIf you get the flu? You'll be fine. And your antibodies will be passed on to your baby.
The OB would be disappointing. I would hate that. At least you have your Doula for support.
Have you thought of professional help to deal with these feelings if they are that overwhelming?
I'm not sure what to suggest, but wanted to give you virtual hugs. I hope you are feeling back to normal soon. I do know how the PG hormones have wreaked havoc on my emotional state. I bawled like a baby Monday night because my mom went home that morning. Never done that before! {{{}}}
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling like this. Is there a big outbreak of H1n1 in Toronto? I am guessing that is what is going on. Have you got a therapist or psychiatrist? Can you talk to your GP? It sounds like you need something to break this painful cycle of anxiety. Wondering what has helped in the past? Tell whoever you call how bad things are and they may be able to see you quickly or have your DW call for you. You might be able to take an anti- depressant like Zoloft or Prozac. I am on Prozac and I switched to it when we started TTC and though I hope to wean off it at some point I am okay with taking it if I have to. I really hope you are able to get some help - you have every right to ask for it. And your Doctor sounds like he was being jerk- off-y! (hugs)
ReplyDeleteBreath. Now do it again. And again. What relaxes you? What thoughts relax you? Take yourself to that place when you feel your anxiety rising. The universe did not bring you this far to fail you now. Yes, you may get the flu but you'll get meds and take care of yourself and you're dp will take care of you. Your doctor is an ass. Can you call your doula for 10 minutes to get grounded again? You can handle this. Rest up over the weekend.
ReplyDeleteHi J, I am sorry to hear you feeling so anxious at the moment. I hope you find a way to get back on top of your anxiety. I'm sure you have strategies that have worked in the past for you.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon. HUGE HUGS xxx
no advice, just sending (hugs).
ReplyDeleteHUGS....the same thing happened to me during my pregnancy....it was my biggest challenge. I am sorry that you are having to deal with it. I found that doing reality checks with myself helped me down from the ledge, and seeing my midwives a little more frequently so I always had proof in my head that me & the baby were ok. I hope you find some techniques that work for you.
ReplyDelete