This cycle is going down on the record as the most difficult one yet. My previous 7 cycles did not get me nearly as anxious and hopeful. I feel like I could say "I just knew this was the one" because that is how I've felt for the majority of the TWW. Yet... 11 DPO = BFN.I think that for the most part I've been able to "bounce back" from a BFN and move to the next cycle with an amount of hope and innocence. How else would I end up feeling this hopeful? The problem is that I'm not sure that moving forward I can do this again. If I do not get my BFP from this cycle I'm not sure how I'm going to drag myself back in and do it all over again and actually be optimistic? How many times does this have to fail before I start to think it's never going to work? Unfortunately I think I may have hit that lucky number. Like I said yesterday in my very pathetic meltdown... this is my least favourite part of the TWW. This is when my hope shatters and I remember all of the other BFN I've had in the past and how they've never changed to a BFP. I shouldn't be testing at all. I should wait for the bloodwork but I'm not patient enough. I need to know and I don't want to know... that's why I test at home.
Yesterday I mentioned how I'm upset with our friends. I'm upset because one of our friends messaged us on Facebook (after being MIA for months) and when I responded truthfully to the question about how we're doing/what we've been up to, he vanished again. I've seen him all over facebook commenting on pictures and status updates but he can't respond to my private message and offer support to us? I really do feel like we have "broken up" with our friends. I guess that's what happens when you hang out with a bunch of guys? They don't get it. They're planning trips to Vegas and trips to "Retro Night" at the clubs. They want to see the latest horror flick. They do not want to hear about TTC. Like I said before.. I do partially think it is because they're afraid we're going to want something from them (aka sperm). We don't. I can't help but feel this anger that we have (had?) a big group of close guy friends and not one of them has offered to donate as they see us going through this. When they know the money we've spent on sperm and how it's not working. At the very least it would have been nice for at least someone to say they had considered it and given a reason why they wouldn't.
I really need to stop this...
Next TTC post will be when I have a positive BFN or an extra positive BFP.
The process is a very difficult one and it can be hard for people at different points--some earlier than others. If it's an consolation, we have friends who achieved their pregnancy on try #19! Why did it suddenly work? Who knows? Could I have done 19 tries...I don't know. It is very draining and you just need to take time to feel what you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteI had a BFN at 11 dpo with Riley so I haven't given up hope on this cycle for you.
Not all friends are accomodating to you once you start a family. Friendships can change as priorities shift. It happens unfortunately. I know exactly what you mean about support and it sucks. I just hope they can smarten up and realize that they should be there for you.
I wouldn't expect guys to offer up sperm or even why they wouldn't. I mean, donating sperm is a huge deal whether or not you are expected to maintain a relationship with the child or not. Yes, sperm costs suck but I think in the end having an anoymous donor will be easier on you too. I mean, if these guys are disappointing you now, you don't really want to be thinking that they are the biological connection to your children. Know what I mean? So maybe in the end, the sperm you purchase with "no strings attached" is better in a lot of ways...
The thing about our friends is that we really don't want their sperm and would not accept it if they offered. We've had two people (family friend and relative) offer to donate (out of pity, I'm guessing)so we know it happens. Apparently not from our gay men though.
ReplyDeleteAs for anonymous sperm... I think it's great if it works. The thing is that there is nothing wrong with me. The tests for PCOS even came back negative. My LH, FSH, Progesterone, Estrogen levels are all perfect, I create good sized follicles and ovulate on my own. I was basically told there was no reason for me to not get pregnant except for the sperm. If we weren't on our 4th donor from 2 different sperm banks I'd love to say it is the sperm. It's not like I've been hanging on to one donor and not trying out other options. I feel like I'm moving through the entire CMV- catalog!
We're thinking about a KD again and have a suitable source (another family friend). The idea of using fresh over frozen is so appealing at this point. Especially when we know of a couple that have used a KD and are on the their 2nd pregnancy after failing miserably with frozen as well.
It's all too much to handle.
Well I do believe it is about a connection and for some reason some donors work better than others as frozen sperm. Like our dononr seems to work for people in 1-3 tries whereas our first time around we tried 4 times without success with another donor. I do think the sperm plays a huge role and who knows which donor will work for you. It's lousy that way. Good luck and I hope you don't have to worry about any more tries--I hope you get surprised with a BFP!!!!
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, it's not just the male friends that go into hiding. Our friends are almost all women and some of them have gone MIA too. I can only think it's because they are in denial about TTC and don't think it will happen to them so they don't want to hear about the struggle. Or maybe they're just sick of hearing about it (I definitely don't shove it in their face though and only answer when asked). It's been hard, it's hard to lose the friends you thought would form your support system forever. So sorry about all this.
ReplyDeleteWe've been working our way through the CMV- candidates too and, for me, it's all the same - there's no reason it shouldn't work. It's frustrating but it's liberating to have given up on IUIs and moved to IVF. That's for sure.