I've noticed that throughout this process I have gained a sort of a pregnancy clairvoyance. I have a great degree of accuracy in predicting other people getting pregnant weeks before they announce. It's become somewhat of a joke at work.
The preggo ladies at my work come in 2 lucky flavours:
1) Doe-eyed newlyweds who are pregnant before their newly built homes have grass planted (We got pregnant on the first night of our honeymoon!!)
2) Those having previously been "living in sin" only to marry to legitimize their intended pregnancy
Returning to work (under both categories) pregnant with #2 after the year long maternity leave is also becoming extremely predictable.
I find that I am not a jealous TTC'er and I think that is a really good thing. Adding envy and jealousy into the mix of emotions would not work for me. I'm sad that our "plans" have all been shit on but I do not begrudge anyone else for getting pregnant when I haven't. Especially since I'm taking it slow. If I said to you we'd tried 24x over the past 2 years (since our first clinic appointment) I may have a different opinion but the reality is, in the last 9 months, we've only tried 2x.
The thing is... and the point to this later in the night rambly post... is that I'm good with it. D is not. I'm finding she's getting really bitter and sad at other people getting pregnant. Today was her co-workers last day at work. She came back from mat leave preggo. As it happens, she's gotten pregnant and will have given birth twice since our first try.
This has lead D to come up to bed saying her "heart was hurting" because of "another pregnancy" (waking me up). Sometimes Facebook is not your friend when you have these feelings. I don't think D can handle anyone else announcing pregnancy over their Facebook status. It sucks. It also sucks when we're in the mall and D sees a lesbian couple with a child and/or baby and says she "fucking hates them".
This breaks my heart because in the real world outside of TTC it is D that is way stronger than I am in every aspect. There is just something about this that his breaking her down and there isn't anything I can do except get pregnant to fix it. This sucks. A lot.
I can relate to D somewhat. We were in that dark place with conceiving Riley and straight people around us seem to get pregnant on the first try. A little of that bitterness has stayed with me and even if I'm happy for someone getting pregnant, I still wish that it took them a little bit of time so they could understand how hard it is to deal with negative pregnancy tests and disappointment. It's strange what this process can do to you.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping everything crossed that your sadness ends soon with a nice BFP and a healthy baby on the way. It is a difficult journey and I do believe it makes you stronger.
Thank you.. I hope this is the one too!
ReplyDeleteIt's so frustrating dealing with all of these emotions. Frustrated is how I feel. Extremely frustrated!
I hacked into D's facebook page and removed the offending pregnant friend from her news feed (did not actually delete her from FB - that would be wrong). The thing is that before she was pregnant (5 weeks, btw!!!), she was never posting status updates, about anything!! Now that she's posting a bunch of pregnancy stuff. I told D and she said that I'm the one that can't handle that stuff!! Oh well... crazy things can happen. One day up, one day down!