Sadness

I'm trying not to be sad.
I spent a solid 30 min crying in a bathroom stall at work this morning. Definately one of the lower points of TTC because I've never done that before. I blame the wave of bitterness that came over me this morning as I rode the subway to work. It was directed at our IRL "friends". Our predominantely male friends who have all vanished from our lives as this journey has become challenging. I feel like they are a"afraid" we're going to ask them to donate so they are just staying away. Or for whatever other reason we've pretty much lost all of our friends. Well... fuck you. Thanks for the support. This process is awful enough without feeling so isolated.
Whatever..
I'm really trying to tell myself that 10 DPO is not the day to get upset. The problem is that I have it stuck in my head from previous attempts where others have gotten pregnant that a BFN now means a BFN always. Like my 1st and 2nd try when my cycle buddies both got pregnant on their first try with early BFP's while everyone kept encouraging me saying it was "still early". Have I mentioned lately that I hate people who get pregnant their first try??
My glimmer of hope yesterday is gone. Replaced by the typical feeling of dread as the end of the TWW quickly approaches. At this point I'm not excited to test. I'm fearful.
D doesn't want me to until Sunday. We'll see. I used both of the FRER I bought yesterday so I'm stuck with only the cheapies. I'm going to try and stick to them and just wait for my b/w on Wednesday. I don't want to spend $60 on HPT this try. I really don't want to. It's so pointless and I am so impatient.
I'm just wrapping up my day and I'm heading back downtown to meet up with D for dinner. I'm going to see Spring Awakening tonight - solo. I'm a bit nervous which is normal since I'm sitting on the stage! Nothing to make you feel better than to see a musical about a girl who gets pregnant, has an abortion and then dies. Yay!