Day 1 of the New Year and my cycle.
Monday is Day 5. That would be the first day I could call in my Day 1 and I'm assuming the clinic will not be doing any u/s and b/w until Tuesday, Day 6. Damn it! So close to fitting a try into January.
D and I had a long talk today because I have been in a terrible mood for days. She thinks this is becoming all consuming and I am begrudging her for not experiencing TTC from my point of view. I think I am fully consumed by TTC because it is fully consuming. I also think that a part of me does begrudge her for being the one that gets to be on the sideline. She may be disapointed that we're not pregnant yet but I'm the one that is not pregnant. I'm the one that has failed us 8x over. This all started because D was upset that I mentioned TTC when we were at our Basketball game last night. Is it my fault that the family who sat in front of us had a tiny baby with them? What do you think I'm going to think when I have to spend 2+ hours with a 4 month old? Yeah, I'm going to think about TTC. I'm going to think about going to Raptors games with our baby. I'm going to ask if I should buy and store vials of our donor or if I should try to fit a cycle in this month. Yes... I absolutely am thinking of nothing but babies.
Sigh. Yay 2009.
I can say that I'm happy 2008 is over but to be honest I would only be truly happy right now if I knew 2009 would be the year I'd give birth. With only 2 tries left to make that happen it worries me that we'll have to wait until 2010.
Sorry for downer blog after downer blog. I'm feeling pretty crappy.
It IS all-consuming. I wouldn't even need the baby there to be thinking TTC, I'd be thinking I would want to stuff one of those basketballs under my sweater and walk around like a crazy person pretending I was pregnant. I'd be half-considering using a Sharpie to draw a face on a basketball and start carrying it around in a Snugli. Anything round triggers baby in my brain.
ReplyDeleteReally, this is hard enough - don't blame yourself for "failing". I know it feels like that, I feel like that sometimes too, but it's not failure because you're doing the best you can do.
I've been doing the math too and know that a 2009 baby is only a few tries away from not being a reality. But, come this time next year, if you're nursing a big, round belly - won't that be just as good?
Sorry you're having such a shitty day.
Yesterday I was in such a bad mood. Must be AF which has FINALLY come.
ReplyDeleteIn a better mood - YES - being pregnant in 2009 is all I need.
I remember last year how hard it was when I'd hit the mark where there would no longer be a 2008 baby. That's when things got really bad for me and I took a 2 month break. After Try #6x2 didn't work I basically wanted to quit TTC. I'm now feeling so much regret about August, September and October - the months I didn't even try. I think that's why I'm in such a mood over BFN #7. I had hoped that all I needed was a break from all of this stress and something would happen.
I digress.. I'm blogging in my comment section.
As always - thank you for your support! Cheers to 2009 Pregnancies and babies!
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