In the last couple of days BIL has decided he has forgiven us. In fact, he even wanted to come into the city today to hang out with the kids. That didn't happen because we were out late at a concert and didn't return his calls but it sounds like he'll try again tomorrow.
I find it funny that it took all of 1 week for him to get over being angry with us. I'm assuming it's partially because Child Services has not called yet. I spoke to them on Thursday afternoon and they seemed really relaxed about the situation. The call was to ask if "there was still an issue". Clearly this was a check-in point to mark the item actioned within one week. I said that my SIL was still trying to give the kids away and that everyone she's asked has said no. This info comes from my MIL who said she'd heard that SIL had asked her family (in another province) if they'd take the kids. I'm mostly concerned that my BIL said that SIL wanted to make a decision by the beginning of September - that's SOON. We'll have to see what BIL says tomorrow. I don't think I'm ready to talk to him but if he's willing to bring the kids in I'll put up with him so we can spend time with them. Although I'm not surprised he folded so fast, I admit I was worried I wasn't going to see the kids for a year!
I spoke to my mom this morning and she's up to her usual stuff. DW and I want her to move in with us when we have our LO. She's currently living in a secluded town 10 hours away and we think it's best we get her down here sooner rather than later. She's only turning 55 but we know that within the next 10 years it will be an issue having her far away. The only thing now is getting her to sell her house and move down. She's somewhat hard to deal with and doesn't really think things through. She has a bunch of birds right now that she has acquired in the last year. I'm not sure the exact number but I'm guessing around 20. I doubt she'll have them when she moves down because this is just one of her many obsessions that she'll get over. Since right now she's pretty much "the crazy bird lady" I'm hoping this obsession dies out soon!
Anyway.. when we got back from our trip in May we found out that our TV was broken. We decided to buy a new one right away because we had a car and it would be easy to go and pick it up. It ended up that D's AMEX was declined due to fraud when we went to pay. Apparently buying gas in West Virginia in the morning and a TV in Toronto at night is "suspicious". Thankfully my mom was with us and she offered to put it on her card. Afterward we had a discussion about paying her back and she said "not to worry" because it was coming from her inheritance money from my grandfather. I was pleased with that and I don't want to sound rude or anything but none of the grandkids were left ANYTHING when my grandfather passed away this past fall and I was kind of annoyed that my mother all of a sudden had a bunch of money while D and I were going through TTC and didn't offer a penny. I digress. She offered to PAY and we were grateful. The last thing we needed was a broken TV, broken computer (our computer had been DEAD for 2 months at that point) and our mounting TTC bills (damn sperm). So now my mother has asked for the money back twice! The first time was when she decided she wanted to buy a new car. I snapped at her and said that we'd pay her back but if she needed $900 to buy the car (to pay for the first 3 months) than she couldn't afford it. She backed off and again said it was a "gift". Now today she's done it again. We asked her to cat sit when we go away and she said that since we were going on vacation "we must have money to pay her back" and she asked again for the money because her property tax was going to be about $900. She also added that she could use the $900 to help fix up the house for selling. Once she opened that can of worms I decided to ask about the money she has from my grandfather. She basically said she was saving it.
D and I have decided we're paying her back. We're going to pay $100 per month since we don't have a spare $900 to drop like that since we're going on vacation. It does look bad because we ARE always going on vacation but that is our priority. That's how we spend our money and that is how we've been dealing with TTC. If my mother had said she wanted the money back to begin with we would have paid it back already.
Annoying!!
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Looking forward to Vacation time
D and I have decided that spending a full week in the GTA sucks so we've decided that from now on we're either going away or breaking up our vacation to enjoy extra long weekends ottherwise our vacations seem to be wasted with trips to Ikea and Vaughn Mills mall.
We've already been to Walt Disney World and now we're looking to get away for a week in October. Our choices are:
1) Vancouver - However D mentioned this to her mother and now she wants to come (they have family in BC) so I refuse to go. We went on vacation with her last year and she drove me crazy. No Thank-you!!
2) LA & Disneyland - This a big contender but D has some weird fears of LA which I don't understand. She is obsessed with all things Hollywood yet she's certain we're going to get car-jacked/murdered. I cannot over emphasize how strange this is because I am the crazy one in the family. I should be the one with the irrational car-jacking fears!! The only other thing that is holding us back is that we're worried we're going to be majorly disappointed with DL. I really wish we had gone their first because WDW sets some pretty high standards.
3) Cape Cod/New England - This is winning out as far as D is concerned. We're looking at a resort on the Cape. We'll visit Boston, Newport, Provincetown and possibly Nantucket. I'll get my fill of corn chowda and be happy.
4) Disney's Hilton Head Island Resort - Temp would be between 77 and 58 degrees. I think that is warm enough. It's off season. Let's go and relax??
Looks like it will be Cape Cod/New England unless I can convince D to have another Disney vacation (=
We've already been to Walt Disney World and now we're looking to get away for a week in October. Our choices are:
1) Vancouver - However D mentioned this to her mother and now she wants to come (they have family in BC) so I refuse to go. We went on vacation with her last year and she drove me crazy. No Thank-you!!
2) LA & Disneyland - This a big contender but D has some weird fears of LA which I don't understand. She is obsessed with all things Hollywood yet she's certain we're going to get car-jacked/murdered. I cannot over emphasize how strange this is because I am the crazy one in the family. I should be the one with the irrational car-jacking fears!! The only other thing that is holding us back is that we're worried we're going to be majorly disappointed with DL. I really wish we had gone their first because WDW sets some pretty high standards.
3) Cape Cod/New England - This is winning out as far as D is concerned. We're looking at a resort on the Cape. We'll visit Boston, Newport, Provincetown and possibly Nantucket. I'll get my fill of corn chowda and be happy.
4) Disney's Hilton Head Island Resort - Temp would be between 77 and 58 degrees. I think that is warm enough. It's off season. Let's go and relax??
Looks like it will be Cape Cod/New England unless I can convince D to have another Disney vacation (=
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm feeling so down. With everything happening to the other people in my life I haven't had a lot of time to really think about how I feel about my own.
I feel like people are looking at us and thinking we've given up on TTC and that's not true.
I need a break because this has been so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I shouldn't even go to pregnancy boards because it is absolutely depressing me.. There are times when I just can't believe it's been almost 12 months and I'm not pregnant and other times when I think there is no way I can go on trying right now. I remember in the beginning seeing people who were on their 9th or 10th try and that terrified me. I knew I couldn't do it. I know now that I can but I can't handle doing back to back cycles for months on end. It's breaking me.
It will be a year in September.
It's such a joke. I didn't want to start trying in July last year because I didn't want to be pregnant for my wedding and now I'm hoping I'm pregnant by my second anniversary.
I feel like people are looking at us and thinking we've given up on TTC and that's not true.
I need a break because this has been so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I shouldn't even go to pregnancy boards because it is absolutely depressing me.. There are times when I just can't believe it's been almost 12 months and I'm not pregnant and other times when I think there is no way I can go on trying right now. I remember in the beginning seeing people who were on their 9th or 10th try and that terrified me. I knew I couldn't do it. I know now that I can but I can't handle doing back to back cycles for months on end. It's breaking me.
It will be a year in September.
It's such a joke. I didn't want to start trying in July last year because I didn't want to be pregnant for my wedding and now I'm hoping I'm pregnant by my second anniversary.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Letter to BIL
I'm seeing my MIL tonight and I am giving her this letter:
BIL,
We hope you will take the time to read this entire letter.
When called last week and asked if we would take (the children) it caught us by surprise. We told you we were going to have to make some phone calls to see what rights we had and what steps needed to be taken. Of those phone calls the first was to our lawyer who recommended we contact (Children's Services) to look into the program where children are placed with family members. After you had indicated SIL wanted to give custody for only a year we told you that we would only do that if (Children's Services) was involved since we would receive financial support. Since you said "SIL needed to make a decision by September” we made the call intending to discuss temporary custody however this turned into a discussion about why you were looking to give up the children. As such, a report was filed and they said they would be following up with you. They indicated the information we had provided would not result in the removal of the children. We also made sure you knew as soon as possible exactly what had happened.
We sincerely hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss your issues openly and not hide them to protect SIL (or yourself). We strongly feel you are in a situation you can no longer control and giving away the children is not the solution. Further, the thought of SIL saying she doesn’t understand “why we’d want them” concerns us greatly. She is sounding desperate and we’re beginning to wonder if she has Postpartum Depression.
BIL, we want to help you however it feels like you do not want that help. Your inaction makes you part of the problem. When your mother calls us it is always new stories about something SIL has done and how awful things are. It’s getting really old since we’ve been hearing these stories for years – even before your children existed. We do not get any pleasure from this gossip – it makes us ill with worry. How are you ever going to stop this? Have you called the lawyer yet? Do you understand your rights or are you only relying on information you’ve read online? We doubt things are going to get any better if you continue on your current path. The children are getting older and will act out when they begin to understand what is going on. (Nephew) is already getting a bad attitude and that isn’t funny at all, it’s very sad.
We would also like to address the statement that we have a “motive” that we are trying to take you children away from you. Our carrying cost on the condo is in excess of $****/month and we both work full time to support it. Do you know that when you asked if we’d take the children the first thing we did was look at our finances and we determined that to afford daycare for two young children in Toronto we would have to sell our condo and move into a rental unit? Do you also know that we would still want to have our own children but discussed waiting at least 4 years to make sure (Niece) would be in school? Does this sound selfish to you? Does this sound easy or fair for us to give up so much? So please do not accuse us of trying to steal your children.
We’re not sure when we’ll see or hear from you next. We understand that you are upset. All we can do is wait and hope that you do not turn your back on your family who loves you and wants to help you. You may not see this as the right thing now but we hope that it brings around a change that will make your life better.
We’re here when you’re ready.
BIL,
We hope you will take the time to read this entire letter.
When called last week and asked if we would take (the children) it caught us by surprise. We told you we were going to have to make some phone calls to see what rights we had and what steps needed to be taken. Of those phone calls the first was to our lawyer who recommended we contact (Children's Services) to look into the program where children are placed with family members. After you had indicated SIL wanted to give custody for only a year we told you that we would only do that if (Children's Services) was involved since we would receive financial support. Since you said "SIL needed to make a decision by September” we made the call intending to discuss temporary custody however this turned into a discussion about why you were looking to give up the children. As such, a report was filed and they said they would be following up with you. They indicated the information we had provided would not result in the removal of the children. We also made sure you knew as soon as possible exactly what had happened.
We sincerely hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss your issues openly and not hide them to protect SIL (or yourself). We strongly feel you are in a situation you can no longer control and giving away the children is not the solution. Further, the thought of SIL saying she doesn’t understand “why we’d want them” concerns us greatly. She is sounding desperate and we’re beginning to wonder if she has Postpartum Depression.
BIL, we want to help you however it feels like you do not want that help. Your inaction makes you part of the problem. When your mother calls us it is always new stories about something SIL has done and how awful things are. It’s getting really old since we’ve been hearing these stories for years – even before your children existed. We do not get any pleasure from this gossip – it makes us ill with worry. How are you ever going to stop this? Have you called the lawyer yet? Do you understand your rights or are you only relying on information you’ve read online? We doubt things are going to get any better if you continue on your current path. The children are getting older and will act out when they begin to understand what is going on. (Nephew) is already getting a bad attitude and that isn’t funny at all, it’s very sad.
We would also like to address the statement that we have a “motive” that we are trying to take you children away from you. Our carrying cost on the condo is in excess of $****/month and we both work full time to support it. Do you know that when you asked if we’d take the children the first thing we did was look at our finances and we determined that to afford daycare for two young children in Toronto we would have to sell our condo and move into a rental unit? Do you also know that we would still want to have our own children but discussed waiting at least 4 years to make sure (Niece) would be in school? Does this sound selfish to you? Does this sound easy or fair for us to give up so much? So please do not accuse us of trying to steal your children.
We’re not sure when we’ll see or hear from you next. We understand that you are upset. All we can do is wait and hope that you do not turn your back on your family who loves you and wants to help you. You may not see this as the right thing now but we hope that it brings around a change that will make your life better.
We’re here when you’re ready.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Saturday Part 2
We were supposed to go to the zoo today with the kids but that obviously fell through. My BIL is so angry with us he won't pick up the phone to even hear our side of the story. Oh well. I'm so sick of hearing all of his complaining about his life and doing nothing about it!! The two of them are just so stunned. How do they expect to ever solve their problems without something like this happening? I just hope that my BIL has the balls to speak up for himself and say how horrible his life is. He's completely despondent. According to my MIL he thinks we're doing this to get the kids. I knew it would look that way but we did what we felt had to be done. If I didn't think taking them in would mean a lifetime of dealing with their psycho mother I wouldn't argue his assumption however we know that taking in the kids would mean our SIL would harass us. It would be hell. Anyway, DW thinks it will probably be a year or more until we see the kids again.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Worry
My life is becoming too full of worry.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Rent-A-Kid
My BIL called us yesterday and said his wife wants us to adopt 2 of his kids.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
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