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So I'm guilty of editing my previous posts so they are not as mean.

Anyway, DW had a nice long talk with her brother last night and I'm feeling so much better. We think he has good intentions but poor execution. He didn't want to tell us about Chicago on the weekend because he didn't want to "ruin a good time" and if he had, it would have. I think we should have found out about it earlier than we had but he did have a point. We had a good day trip with the kids, it was a lot of fun.

In a way I feel sorry for both my BIL & SIL. They have 3 kids under the age of 3.5 and one of them is special needs. It's a hard life and even more so when having them was not planned. No wonder they are having problems.

I also feel like I need to talk to him so he can hear my side. I want him to know that we do not want his kids (as in the ones he already has). We just want him to be in a good place and we want his children in a nurturing environment. Our intention has never been to take them away from him. We're willing to help in any way we can to get him in a position where he can provide for his family. I want him to know that it hurt when he didn't tell us he was trying to "make it work" while still laying it on pretty thick to us. When they first split I knew he'd go back to his wife. If he does I just hope it is for the right reasons.

Follow-up

Here's the story..
D spoke to her mom tonight and got the scoop of what's going on. Apparently she (MIL) has yelled at my BIL already for being stupid and irresponsible. She also said that "if he had relations she hopes he used protection" and he confirmed that he does "always". I can't say that I trust or believe that but all 3 kids were unplanned so maybe after the 3rd he learned a lesson... Hopefully. .

His side of the story is that they went to "try to make it work" I'm not sure I believe it???

REGARDLESS, there is no excuse for him taking off like that without telling anyone, leaving his kids at a babysitter while he's left the country.... AND there is no excuse for him to not tell us over the weekend. He should have known we'd be upset. He hadn't told his mom either and she was A-N-G-R-Y when she found out!

We BOTH agree that we're furious with him and that this has caused us serious doubts about his honesty however we're not sure what to think until we talk to him. It's sad that this has happened because I really wanted to help him... I still want to help the kids.

That said, DW had a meltdown because she wants him as our KD. She understands why I'm uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him enough. Seeing my wife cry and say that she is disappointed kills me. I'm totally lost, not sure what to do. We discussed using a cryo as a designated known donor but it's expensive ($1000 intake + $400 per sample + cost for serological testing). For now we're going to take it one day at a time. IF my BIL can make me trust him again I may think of using him. I feel like the a-hole now but what can you really do? I sometimes feel punished by this process. It's not supposed to be easy for two people of the same sex to have kids and my feelings towards biology have transferred over to my wife and now she wants a bio related child as well. I mean, it's only fair. Right?

I guess the good news is that I stopped crying somewhere around mid-day. After hearing my BIL side of things from my MIL makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to believe him but this is what WE want. We're not worried that he's going to sue us or anything (for custody) but I am worried he's going to give me an STD. I think I have just cause... he also has every right to "have relations" with his wife but DO NOT PLAY IT UP LIKE SHE IS EVIL.

If only there could be a solution... if I'd gotten pregnant months ago this wouldn't even be something to discuss.

Betrayed

&%$# my brother-in-law. Seriously.
He is a liar.
Aside from selfishly thinking about our TTC woes I have spent weeks in a constant state of worry over his 3 kids and getting him out of a bad situation with his wife. We have considered selling our Condo and moving to a less desirable neighbourhood to afford a house big enough to take him in (with kids) until he can get on his feet. BIL is telling us he is in a bitter separation with his wife. Living at home only because he's afraid to leave the kids behind.
Last week my MIL calls us freaking out because she hasn't heard from him in 3 days. Apparently BIL and his wife had a big fight and then no word from them at all. Finally on the 4th day he calls saying all is well. As far as we know, no explanation was giving.
BIL brings the kids into the city this weekend and we have a nice day out. The whole time he's talking about how horrible things are.
I'm COMPLETELY bent out of shape over this.
With all that said (minus pretty much all of the awful details) I am in complete awe over what he has done. I log onto facebook tonight and he's posted pictures of HIS TRIP TO CHICAGO with his wife last week. You know those days where he was out of contact with his mother? He was in Chicago!!! You've got to be %$#ing kidding me.
The pictures even make me angrier. They're of him and his wife as a loving couple (hugging, kissing). NOT of a couple waging war with three little kids at home.
And where are the kids?
I guess with the babysitter.

I can't believe this.

I told my wife that her brother have mis-labeled the pictures and it couldn't be from this year. She refused to ask him if it was so I logged onto her facebook and asked him. I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I feel so betrayed by him.
I also told her that I didn't think I could use him as our KD. This breaks my heart into about a thousand pieces and I'm sitting here crying thinking that our TTC journey is OVER because I don't want to go back to using unknown and now (as far as I am concerned) we've lost him.
I have no idea what we are going to do. I really thought he was honest and true and just in a really bad situation. I'm not going to put my health in his hands. Plus - I feel awful for his kids. He is seriously going to ruin them if all of his other stories are true.
I don't even know anymore. Who can you trust if you can't even trust your family?
Oh and I canceled my appointment at the new clinic because I thought we had things all worked out. Apparently not. What on earth am I going to do now?

Clinic News

On Friday I canceled the consult I had with the new clinic since I'm sticking with clinic #1. I figure I'm so lucky to have them doing free monitoring and administration of meds while using a Known Donor so I should just stick with them. Helping this decision was receiving the intake package from the new place and seeing that they charge for a lot things that are free for me now.
We're still on hold but I don't think we're going to wait as long as we originally thought. I think we're going to start back up again by November.

Appointment

I had my RE appointment today and I was a total sucker as usual and didn't really speak up. I'm not in the mood to fight with anyone right now so I sat through the "facts". She has me going for a bunch of diagnostic b/w and also has asked that I do another HSG. I told her I was "on break" trying to sort out what we'd be doing and I mentioned our KD and she agreed that I could continue to use the clinic for cycle monitoring and medication but I can't have the clinic do IUI unless the sperm is frozen and held 6 months. I'm feeling pretty good about that so I think we're going to stick it out to get all of the dx work out of the way (I'll hold off the HSG until the cycle before we start again) and use the clinic instead of OPK wiht our KD. I think I can tolerate them more when I'm not spending thousands on sperm that they're holding hostage. I may be a sucker for punishment.I know I should switch clinics like I was going to... I have a consult on the 27th with the new location however being on break is not the best time to switch and my current place does seem to have a pretty relaxed attitude about me doing at home inseminations while using their services... and do not seem to care that I'm breaking on and off. I think their apathetic attitude may actually be working for me with my new plan.

Confused (again)

I'm feeling pretty good right now other than being the most confused person ever! DW has admit that she pushed the idea of a break and a trip to Europe because she thought it would make me happy and I needed it. I thought it was what she wanted before getting pregnant. Well now we're at an impasse - or possibly not. I think we both want to keep trying but are too afraid to admit it after what just happened.
I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I'm going to go in for my blood work to see if I have PCOS . I'm going to suggest I do a couple of diagnostic cycles to sort out why I have gone from regular to wonky but I'm going to set those cycles for 2 months from now because our KD still needs some time and so do I. I'm hoping if this plan works I will not need to rely on OPK and will still use the services of the clinic just without the IUI.
Last night I had a dream that I was taking my KD to get tested but it wasn't my KD it was a friend. A very crazy dream but clearly an indication of what is on my mind. I think I had that same dream all night long or at least it was the one I woke up to!

BFN for sure

AF arrived today so it's official. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Getting pregnant on this cycle was going to be a bonus since it would have solved a lot of our problems (switching clinics vs. using a known donor, questioning PCOS etc.) however when I thought I did get pregnant I got really nervous and felt regret. Regret is not something I'd want to feel when I finally get my BFP and I know it was because of one thing - I am so very aware now that want to use our KD (DW's brother) and have a child that is bio related to DW. This has been more than an eye opening experience it has taught me so much about what I want and need. It's ironic that I'm the one who is hung up on genetics and not DW (who doesn't care about it at all) since I will be the "bio" mom but I feel so strongly about this that I would rather carry DW's egg with donor sperm I want it so badly. This was not an option until very recently when DW finally agreed to use her brother and her brother agreed (plus the blessing of their mother). I wanted to start right away but we did what was best and went with our leftover unknown for the last clinic try. I had asked the question - what if we get pregnant and thought it would be exactly what we wanted so who cares where the sperm came from? I guess I answered that question - loud and clear. I'd always wanted to use our KD - from day 1 so this was something BIG for me.

So we're switching to our KD but taking a break first. I have a number of things I need to clean-up from the past year of focusing only on TTC. We've also decided that in the spring next year we're going to go on a backpacking trip through Europe to celebrate our 10th anniversary. After that will start up again. By then my BIL should be in a much better place and we'll be able to start TTC again.