Betrayed

&%$# my brother-in-law. Seriously.
He is a liar.
Aside from selfishly thinking about our TTC woes I have spent weeks in a constant state of worry over his 3 kids and getting him out of a bad situation with his wife. We have considered selling our Condo and moving to a less desirable neighbourhood to afford a house big enough to take him in (with kids) until he can get on his feet. BIL is telling us he is in a bitter separation with his wife. Living at home only because he's afraid to leave the kids behind.
Last week my MIL calls us freaking out because she hasn't heard from him in 3 days. Apparently BIL and his wife had a big fight and then no word from them at all. Finally on the 4th day he calls saying all is well. As far as we know, no explanation was giving.
BIL brings the kids into the city this weekend and we have a nice day out. The whole time he's talking about how horrible things are.
I'm COMPLETELY bent out of shape over this.
With all that said (minus pretty much all of the awful details) I am in complete awe over what he has done. I log onto facebook tonight and he's posted pictures of HIS TRIP TO CHICAGO with his wife last week. You know those days where he was out of contact with his mother? He was in Chicago!!! You've got to be %$#ing kidding me.
The pictures even make me angrier. They're of him and his wife as a loving couple (hugging, kissing). NOT of a couple waging war with three little kids at home.
And where are the kids?
I guess with the babysitter.

I can't believe this.

I told my wife that her brother have mis-labeled the pictures and it couldn't be from this year. She refused to ask him if it was so I logged onto her facebook and asked him. I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I feel so betrayed by him.
I also told her that I didn't think I could use him as our KD. This breaks my heart into about a thousand pieces and I'm sitting here crying thinking that our TTC journey is OVER because I don't want to go back to using unknown and now (as far as I am concerned) we've lost him.
I have no idea what we are going to do. I really thought he was honest and true and just in a really bad situation. I'm not going to put my health in his hands. Plus - I feel awful for his kids. He is seriously going to ruin them if all of his other stories are true.
I don't even know anymore. Who can you trust if you can't even trust your family?
Oh and I canceled my appointment at the new clinic because I thought we had things all worked out. Apparently not. What on earth am I going to do now?

Clinic News

On Friday I canceled the consult I had with the new clinic since I'm sticking with clinic #1. I figure I'm so lucky to have them doing free monitoring and administration of meds while using a Known Donor so I should just stick with them. Helping this decision was receiving the intake package from the new place and seeing that they charge for a lot things that are free for me now.
We're still on hold but I don't think we're going to wait as long as we originally thought. I think we're going to start back up again by November.

Appointment

I had my RE appointment today and I was a total sucker as usual and didn't really speak up. I'm not in the mood to fight with anyone right now so I sat through the "facts". She has me going for a bunch of diagnostic b/w and also has asked that I do another HSG. I told her I was "on break" trying to sort out what we'd be doing and I mentioned our KD and she agreed that I could continue to use the clinic for cycle monitoring and medication but I can't have the clinic do IUI unless the sperm is frozen and held 6 months. I'm feeling pretty good about that so I think we're going to stick it out to get all of the dx work out of the way (I'll hold off the HSG until the cycle before we start again) and use the clinic instead of OPK wiht our KD. I think I can tolerate them more when I'm not spending thousands on sperm that they're holding hostage. I may be a sucker for punishment.I know I should switch clinics like I was going to... I have a consult on the 27th with the new location however being on break is not the best time to switch and my current place does seem to have a pretty relaxed attitude about me doing at home inseminations while using their services... and do not seem to care that I'm breaking on and off. I think their apathetic attitude may actually be working for me with my new plan.

Confused (again)

I'm feeling pretty good right now other than being the most confused person ever! DW has admit that she pushed the idea of a break and a trip to Europe because she thought it would make me happy and I needed it. I thought it was what she wanted before getting pregnant. Well now we're at an impasse - or possibly not. I think we both want to keep trying but are too afraid to admit it after what just happened.
I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I'm going to go in for my blood work to see if I have PCOS . I'm going to suggest I do a couple of diagnostic cycles to sort out why I have gone from regular to wonky but I'm going to set those cycles for 2 months from now because our KD still needs some time and so do I. I'm hoping if this plan works I will not need to rely on OPK and will still use the services of the clinic just without the IUI.
Last night I had a dream that I was taking my KD to get tested but it wasn't my KD it was a friend. A very crazy dream but clearly an indication of what is on my mind. I think I had that same dream all night long or at least it was the one I woke up to!

BFN for sure

AF arrived today so it's official. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Getting pregnant on this cycle was going to be a bonus since it would have solved a lot of our problems (switching clinics vs. using a known donor, questioning PCOS etc.) however when I thought I did get pregnant I got really nervous and felt regret. Regret is not something I'd want to feel when I finally get my BFP and I know it was because of one thing - I am so very aware now that want to use our KD (DW's brother) and have a child that is bio related to DW. This has been more than an eye opening experience it has taught me so much about what I want and need. It's ironic that I'm the one who is hung up on genetics and not DW (who doesn't care about it at all) since I will be the "bio" mom but I feel so strongly about this that I would rather carry DW's egg with donor sperm I want it so badly. This was not an option until very recently when DW finally agreed to use her brother and her brother agreed (plus the blessing of their mother). I wanted to start right away but we did what was best and went with our leftover unknown for the last clinic try. I had asked the question - what if we get pregnant and thought it would be exactly what we wanted so who cares where the sperm came from? I guess I answered that question - loud and clear. I'd always wanted to use our KD - from day 1 so this was something BIG for me.

So we're switching to our KD but taking a break first. I have a number of things I need to clean-up from the past year of focusing only on TTC. We've also decided that in the spring next year we're going to go on a backpacking trip through Europe to celebrate our 10th anniversary. After that will start up again. By then my BIL should be in a much better place and we'll be able to start TTC again.

False Positive?

I'm not sure if I have good news though. I tested again this morning and it was a BFN. I went back to yesterdays test and there was clearly a second pink line so I'm not sure what this means. Both were FRER from the same package. AF is due Saturday so according to the FRER box it's 98% accurate 2 days prior. Honestly at this point I just want to know for sure one way or the other because this is too stressful - my beta is scheduled for Tuesday but if this is a BFN I really want AF to come and get this over with. I'm not upset about this yet because I keep telling myself that all is not lost because we did have plans to start using a KD and I was looking forward to that because it's my BIL and I personally like the idea of the LO being bio related to both DW and myself. We basically did this last cycle at our clinic because the sperm we had in storage had been shipped back from my clinic and therefore was no longer eligible for the 50% refund + we know there will be complications with using BIL (who is currently going through a divorce/custody issues with his own children) so really, an unknown donor technically would be the "cleaner" route. I think we'll be going on an extended break after this if this try hasn't worked. Mostly because we have to wait for my BIL to get his life back in order.

BFN

Tested again tonight and still BFN. Darn it all. The Faint BFP (FRER) was taken at 1:30 am after going to bed just before 10:00 pm so 3.5 hours without peeing. My BFN came after a full night - probably 8 hours (FRER). I just tested again and it came up BFN ($1 store test) - around 2.5 to 3 hours held. I have 2 more FRER lined up and 3 more $1 store. I googled BFN after BFP and came up with Chemical Pregnancy and it said that up to 60% of first time pregnancies are Chemicals but most people would never know except those who test early/often and may catch it. I'm not giving up yet but I do wish AF would come ASAP so we can move to the next phase of our journey... I don't like not knowing.