I'm seeing my MIL tonight and I am giving her this letter:
BIL,
We hope you will take the time to read this entire letter.
When called last week and asked if we would take (the children) it caught us by surprise. We told you we were going to have to make some phone calls to see what rights we had and what steps needed to be taken. Of those phone calls the first was to our lawyer who recommended we contact (Children's Services) to look into the program where children are placed with family members. After you had indicated SIL wanted to give custody for only a year we told you that we would only do that if (Children's Services) was involved since we would receive financial support. Since you said "SIL needed to make a decision by September” we made the call intending to discuss temporary custody however this turned into a discussion about why you were looking to give up the children. As such, a report was filed and they said they would be following up with you. They indicated the information we had provided would not result in the removal of the children. We also made sure you knew as soon as possible exactly what had happened.
We sincerely hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss your issues openly and not hide them to protect SIL (or yourself). We strongly feel you are in a situation you can no longer control and giving away the children is not the solution. Further, the thought of SIL saying she doesn’t understand “why we’d want them” concerns us greatly. She is sounding desperate and we’re beginning to wonder if she has Postpartum Depression.
BIL, we want to help you however it feels like you do not want that help. Your inaction makes you part of the problem. When your mother calls us it is always new stories about something SIL has done and how awful things are. It’s getting really old since we’ve been hearing these stories for years – even before your children existed. We do not get any pleasure from this gossip – it makes us ill with worry. How are you ever going to stop this? Have you called the lawyer yet? Do you understand your rights or are you only relying on information you’ve read online? We doubt things are going to get any better if you continue on your current path. The children are getting older and will act out when they begin to understand what is going on. (Nephew) is already getting a bad attitude and that isn’t funny at all, it’s very sad.
We would also like to address the statement that we have a “motive” that we are trying to take you children away from you. Our carrying cost on the condo is in excess of $****/month and we both work full time to support it. Do you know that when you asked if we’d take the children the first thing we did was look at our finances and we determined that to afford daycare for two young children in Toronto we would have to sell our condo and move into a rental unit? Do you also know that we would still want to have our own children but discussed waiting at least 4 years to make sure (Niece) would be in school? Does this sound selfish to you? Does this sound easy or fair for us to give up so much? So please do not accuse us of trying to steal your children.
We’re not sure when we’ll see or hear from you next. We understand that you are upset. All we can do is wait and hope that you do not turn your back on your family who loves you and wants to help you. You may not see this as the right thing now but we hope that it brings around a change that will make your life better.
We’re here when you’re ready.
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Saturday Part 2
We were supposed to go to the zoo today with the kids but that obviously fell through. My BIL is so angry with us he won't pick up the phone to even hear our side of the story. Oh well. I'm so sick of hearing all of his complaining about his life and doing nothing about it!! The two of them are just so stunned. How do they expect to ever solve their problems without something like this happening? I just hope that my BIL has the balls to speak up for himself and say how horrible his life is. He's completely despondent. According to my MIL he thinks we're doing this to get the kids. I knew it would look that way but we did what we felt had to be done. If I didn't think taking them in would mean a lifetime of dealing with their psycho mother I wouldn't argue his assumption however we know that taking in the kids would mean our SIL would harass us. It would be hell. Anyway, DW thinks it will probably be a year or more until we see the kids again.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Worry
My life is becoming too full of worry.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Rent-A-Kid
My BIL called us yesterday and said his wife wants us to adopt 2 of his kids.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
New Blog
I'm currently merging my old blog with my new blog... I like blogger better than live journal so I'm moving it on over... Please do not mind the construction.. work in progress.
Deleted
So I'm guilty of editing my previous posts so they are not as mean.
Anyway, DW had a nice long talk with her brother last night and I'm feeling so much better. We think he has good intentions but poor execution. He didn't want to tell us about Chicago on the weekend because he didn't want to "ruin a good time" and if he had, it would have. I think we should have found out about it earlier than we had but he did have a point. We had a good day trip with the kids, it was a lot of fun.
In a way I feel sorry for both my BIL & SIL. They have 3 kids under the age of 3.5 and one of them is special needs. It's a hard life and even more so when having them was not planned. No wonder they are having problems.
I also feel like I need to talk to him so he can hear my side. I want him to know that we do not want his kids (as in the ones he already has). We just want him to be in a good place and we want his children in a nurturing environment. Our intention has never been to take them away from him. We're willing to help in any way we can to get him in a position where he can provide for his family. I want him to know that it hurt when he didn't tell us he was trying to "make it work" while still laying it on pretty thick to us. When they first split I knew he'd go back to his wife. If he does I just hope it is for the right reasons.
Anyway, DW had a nice long talk with her brother last night and I'm feeling so much better. We think he has good intentions but poor execution. He didn't want to tell us about Chicago on the weekend because he didn't want to "ruin a good time" and if he had, it would have. I think we should have found out about it earlier than we had but he did have a point. We had a good day trip with the kids, it was a lot of fun.
In a way I feel sorry for both my BIL & SIL. They have 3 kids under the age of 3.5 and one of them is special needs. It's a hard life and even more so when having them was not planned. No wonder they are having problems.
I also feel like I need to talk to him so he can hear my side. I want him to know that we do not want his kids (as in the ones he already has). We just want him to be in a good place and we want his children in a nurturing environment. Our intention has never been to take them away from him. We're willing to help in any way we can to get him in a position where he can provide for his family. I want him to know that it hurt when he didn't tell us he was trying to "make it work" while still laying it on pretty thick to us. When they first split I knew he'd go back to his wife. If he does I just hope it is for the right reasons.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Follow-up
Here's the story..
D spoke to her mom tonight and got the scoop of what's going on. Apparently she (MIL) has yelled at my BIL already for being stupid and irresponsible. She also said that "if he had relations she hopes he used protection" and he confirmed that he does "always". I can't say that I trust or believe that but all 3 kids were unplanned so maybe after the 3rd he learned a lesson... Hopefully. .
His side of the story is that they went to "try to make it work" I'm not sure I believe it???
REGARDLESS, there is no excuse for him taking off like that without telling anyone, leaving his kids at a babysitter while he's left the country.... AND there is no excuse for him to not tell us over the weekend. He should have known we'd be upset. He hadn't told his mom either and she was A-N-G-R-Y when she found out!
We BOTH agree that we're furious with him and that this has caused us serious doubts about his honesty however we're not sure what to think until we talk to him. It's sad that this has happened because I really wanted to help him... I still want to help the kids.
That said, DW had a meltdown because she wants him as our KD. She understands why I'm uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him enough. Seeing my wife cry and say that she is disappointed kills me. I'm totally lost, not sure what to do. We discussed using a cryo as a designated known donor but it's expensive ($1000 intake + $400 per sample + cost for serological testing). For now we're going to take it one day at a time. IF my BIL can make me trust him again I may think of using him. I feel like the a-hole now but what can you really do? I sometimes feel punished by this process. It's not supposed to be easy for two people of the same sex to have kids and my feelings towards biology have transferred over to my wife and now she wants a bio related child as well. I mean, it's only fair. Right?
I guess the good news is that I stopped crying somewhere around mid-day. After hearing my BIL side of things from my MIL makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to believe him but this is what WE want. We're not worried that he's going to sue us or anything (for custody) but I am worried he's going to give me an STD. I think I have just cause... he also has every right to "have relations" with his wife but DO NOT PLAY IT UP LIKE SHE IS EVIL.
If only there could be a solution... if I'd gotten pregnant months ago this wouldn't even be something to discuss.
D spoke to her mom tonight and got the scoop of what's going on. Apparently she (MIL) has yelled at my BIL already for being stupid and irresponsible. She also said that "if he had relations she hopes he used protection" and he confirmed that he does "always". I can't say that I trust or believe that but all 3 kids were unplanned so maybe after the 3rd he learned a lesson... Hopefully. .
His side of the story is that they went to "try to make it work" I'm not sure I believe it???
REGARDLESS, there is no excuse for him taking off like that without telling anyone, leaving his kids at a babysitter while he's left the country.... AND there is no excuse for him to not tell us over the weekend. He should have known we'd be upset. He hadn't told his mom either and she was A-N-G-R-Y when she found out!
We BOTH agree that we're furious with him and that this has caused us serious doubts about his honesty however we're not sure what to think until we talk to him. It's sad that this has happened because I really wanted to help him... I still want to help the kids.
That said, DW had a meltdown because she wants him as our KD. She understands why I'm uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him enough. Seeing my wife cry and say that she is disappointed kills me. I'm totally lost, not sure what to do. We discussed using a cryo as a designated known donor but it's expensive ($1000 intake + $400 per sample + cost for serological testing). For now we're going to take it one day at a time. IF my BIL can make me trust him again I may think of using him. I feel like the a-hole now but what can you really do? I sometimes feel punished by this process. It's not supposed to be easy for two people of the same sex to have kids and my feelings towards biology have transferred over to my wife and now she wants a bio related child as well. I mean, it's only fair. Right?
I guess the good news is that I stopped crying somewhere around mid-day. After hearing my BIL side of things from my MIL makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to believe him but this is what WE want. We're not worried that he's going to sue us or anything (for custody) but I am worried he's going to give me an STD. I think I have just cause... he also has every right to "have relations" with his wife but DO NOT PLAY IT UP LIKE SHE IS EVIL.
If only there could be a solution... if I'd gotten pregnant months ago this wouldn't even be something to discuss.
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