This may not be as easy as we had thought. Small things have started to creep up through our baby showers and this wasn’t covered in our Dykes Planning Tykes course or our Queer Positive Prenatal class!! Everything so far has focused on getting pregnant and then being pregnant. What’s next? What can we expect? Maybe I’m just naïve and thought that everyone would just know how to treat us!!
We’ve already encountered the following:
- D has so far been left out of her work’s quarterly baby celebration (for parents to be) even though a co-worker who is as pregnant as I am has already been recognised. Talk about awkward. We’re hoping that her name will be mentioned at the next celebration otherwise we may be dealing with an HR issue. Everyone at her work knows I’m pregnant so it isn’t a secret.
- When we designed our baby shower invites we included the wording “Come celebrate baby (our last name) and her Momma and Mommy”. Naturally people were curious as to who was Momma and who was who was Mommy. When one of my friends asked I told her I was “Momma”. She then asked why I would let D be “Mommy”. I was quite shocked by this question. Is there a hierarchy in naming rights for a mother?
- Our baby Shower invites for my family shower only included my name and when my step-mother gave her little speech at the beginning she said it was to celebrate ME. This leads me to ask who the baby shower is for. For a heterosexual couple the shower is traditionally for women only and her partner is not there. The mother to be is celebrated (regardless of how the baby comes into the family). Therefore, in a family with two mothers, who is celebrated? Shouldn’t it be both mothers?
The lesson learned is that we’re going to need to step up and defend our family as required. No, I didn’t make a fuss at the family shower. It didn’t seem appropriate because my family was only acting the way they knew how to which was to celebrate the mother to be (who is carrying) and they really have come such a long way already. We’ll have to take it one step at a time to make sure people recognize us both equally. I’ve already told D that I’m going to step back from the next shower and let her take the lead role. It’s definitely her turn.
Yeah, it is harder than we thought as well. DW is experiencing crappiness at her workplace, too. A male co-worker of hers has been congratulated on his wife's pregnancy several times and DW hasn't been by anyone, even though they all know and I'm further along than co-worker's wife. It's upsetting.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard at the beginning but over time it gets easier as those around you learn about your family. Noteworthy for us was that when Kim got pregnant with Ian, very few people asked even a single question about the donor. It didn't seem to even occur to people to ask if we used the same one. The reason for that, of course, is that the donor is not on people's minds the way he was the first time. They are used to the two of us as parents and they truly have forgotten about the donor. The first time around they were so curious about him.
ReplyDeleteYou will have to defend your family. We've had a few incidents including one major incident where a doctor asked us who was the mom and when Kim said, "We both are," the doctor replied in an annoyed voice, "I want to know which one of you is the REAL mother and which one of you is NOT the real mother." Erik was a newborn then and we were too stunned to say much, but if it happened now, look out. :)
Sometimes you confront comments and sometimes you just let them slide, but as the kids get older I think it becomes more important to correct people who make assumptions so that our kids know they can be proud of their family.
I think it's a good idea to let D step up and show families that *all* of the baby celebration is about the three of you as a family. I'm wondering if actions might speak louder than words on this one. Just coming off our wedding, I am so familiar with the shitty awkward situations, and am still learning how to deal with them.. Good luck and let us know how it goes down!
ReplyDeleteThis is really good to know. Thanks to you I'll be extra sensitivity to how my DP is being treated and make sure she is seen as the mother that she is.
ReplyDeleteWhen we went to visit the daycare the other day, Danielle asked very nicely if there would be any problems, hangups, etc about her picking up our child or being included in the discussion of our child. The girl very brightly told us no, it wouldn't be a problem, etc etc. Now had she left it at that, it would have been great. But then she whips out what I think was the application and says "here, see, you (me) would put all of your info under mother/legal guardian" then she skips past the dad/legal guardian space and says to Danielle "see, you'd be listed here under emergency contacts." WTF???????? Danielle is not an emergency contact. Her sister, yes, but Danielle, no.
ReplyDeleteWe both knew that once we had the application, we would simply just cross out Father and put Mother and add her info. I already do that on medical forms when I go to the doctor's. But the point is that even though I don't think she meant any harm, Danielle is clearly not just the emergency contact.
I later found out that the director of the daycare is a lesbian so I plan to bring it up. I would do it even if they were straight but still.
Good idea about making dp the center of attention for the next baby shower. People just say dumb things sometimes whether they mean it or not.
Wow - I see some serious fierce mama bear and wife bear moments in your future! One way to do it which often helps people who are just being dumb and thoughtless ( as opposed to mean and malicious ) is to check out with them if you both really understand what each other means. It gives them time to reconsider their (ignorant) position and they may back-pedal and realize their faux pas. It gives you a chance to educate them and set the record straight without getting hostile, but if you do all that and they are asking for it I say give it to em. People suck, and I think apart from the ones who are just plain mean, I think most people are just stupid and have never even considered the idea. And if they already think lezzies and gays are second class citizens then they almost expect us to 'understand' that of course we should expect to get the short straw every time and be discounted and disappeared! Grrrrrrrr.........
ReplyDeleteit doesn't end... but you get more used to it. even the other day at swimming the one worker there said, "your hubby's away?" even though angele and i had been there for all of the lessons for months and months...with angele taking care of riley primarily. and there's "father" instead of "donor." and like shannon and kim, we had a nurse ask which one of us was the real mother...in toronto!!!
ReplyDeleteit isn't that bad and, as shannon said, it gets better with time as people are used to your 2 mom family.
I'm with Shannon on everything she's said... and WELCOME TO THE CLUB to D of Other Mothers!!!! It's a trip to hopefully be travelled by many and those kids are STILL our kids regardless anyone says.
ReplyDeleteIn a few years it will be interesting to see the dynamic and if it changes... when I have our 3rd.
-Angele
Ugh. I'm sorry you had to deal with this at your own baby shower. We have had several moments where we haven't said anything, but they are followed by long discussions of how we should handle them, especially when they happen in front of our kids. Truthfully, though, I am more likely to take someone to task over a stupid comment about fertility than I am about 2 mommy families. I'm sure we'll get there.
ReplyDelete