12 DPO

I'm up early waiting to take my progesterone and then I'll be heading back to bed.
I just used the washroom and I did not POAS. I immediately regretted wasting all that FMU but it's gone now. What can you do? I also bravely left the drugstore without more FRER last night. It's like winning $20. I'm imagining that stupid woman on the news who is picking $20 bills out of her dogs shit because he ate all of her money. At least she gets the money back!!
Anyway...
Since I was up early yesterday (progesterone again) we decided to head down to the market. We hadnt' been since October since it's been so cold but we do go most weekend in the warmer weather. I love the market. I love the Montreal style bagels and all of the vegetables we buy. It's just so much more fun than shopping at a grocery store. It's also great when the produce is in season and you can buy fresh Ontario grown! While there we got our typical Italian Sandwich (chicken, tomato sauce, red pepper on huge bun) to split and some Apple Fritters. This was all by 10:00 am! You can also get real breakfast at most of the little shops but who wants to do that?
After the market, we took a detour home to go to Best Buy to buy the Twilight DVD. Yes, I'm a loser. They had it on sale for $19.99 for the deluxe Bluray edition. It is so nice to FINALLY see Bluray at a decent price!!!
I spent the afternoon sleeping and then D and I went to see I love you man. Good movie. I love Jason Segel.
I'm not sure what we're going to do today. I'd like to go and get an orchestra seat for Spring Awakening. The Friday night show was good but since sitting on stage is rear/side view and I hadn't seen the cast before I did find myself longing to see it from the audience. The lighting for this show is just phenomenal. You don't' get the full effect of that. The seat I sat in was also pretty far upstage (further to the back of the stage). It's a great seat for many reasons such as having only cast members sitting beside you and A LOT of action takes place directly in front of you however it's far back so you do get a lot of rear views. I'm hoping that when D and I go in a couple of weeks our Downstage seat (which is pretty much as close to the front of the stage as you can get) will offer a better perspective of the show.

11 DPO

This cycle is going down on the record as the most difficult one yet. My previous 7 cycles did not get me nearly as anxious and hopeful. I feel like I could say "I just knew this was the one" because that is how I've felt for the majority of the TWW. Yet... 11 DPO = BFN.
I think that for the most part I've been able to "bounce back" from a BFN and move to the next cycle with an amount of hope and innocence. How else would I end up feeling this hopeful? The problem is that I'm not sure that moving forward I can do this again. If I do not get my BFP from this cycle I'm not sure how I'm going to drag myself back in and do it all over again and actually be optimistic? How many times does this have to fail before I start to think it's never going to work? Unfortunately I think I may have hit that lucky number. Like I said yesterday in my very pathetic meltdown... this is my least favourite part of the TWW. This is when my hope shatters and I remember all of the other BFN I've had in the past and how they've never changed to a BFP. I shouldn't be testing at all. I should wait for the bloodwork but I'm not patient enough. I need to know and I don't want to know... that's why I test at home.
Yesterday I mentioned how I'm upset with our friends. I'm upset because one of our friends messaged us on Facebook (after being MIA for months) and when I responded truthfully to the question about how we're doing/what we've been up to, he vanished again. I've seen him all over facebook commenting on pictures and status updates but he can't respond to my private message and offer support to us? I really do feel like we have "broken up" with our friends. I guess that's what happens when you hang out with a bunch of guys? They don't get it. They're planning trips to Vegas and trips to "Retro Night" at the clubs. They want to see the latest horror flick. They do not want to hear about TTC. Like I said before.. I do partially think it is because they're afraid we're going to want something from them (aka sperm). We don't. I can't help but feel this anger that we have (had?) a big group of close guy friends and not one of them has offered to donate as they see us going through this. When they know the money we've spent on sperm and how it's not working. At the very least it would have been nice for at least someone to say they had considered it and given a reason why they wouldn't.
I really need to stop this...
Next TTC post will be when I have a positive BFN or an extra positive BFP.

Sadness

I'm trying not to be sad.
I spent a solid 30 min crying in a bathroom stall at work this morning. Definately one of the lower points of TTC because I've never done that before. I blame the wave of bitterness that came over me this morning as I rode the subway to work. It was directed at our IRL "friends". Our predominantely male friends who have all vanished from our lives as this journey has become challenging. I feel like they are a"afraid" we're going to ask them to donate so they are just staying away. Or for whatever other reason we've pretty much lost all of our friends. Well... fuck you. Thanks for the support. This process is awful enough without feeling so isolated.
Whatever..
I'm really trying to tell myself that 10 DPO is not the day to get upset. The problem is that I have it stuck in my head from previous attempts where others have gotten pregnant that a BFN now means a BFN always. Like my 1st and 2nd try when my cycle buddies both got pregnant on their first try with early BFP's while everyone kept encouraging me saying it was "still early". Have I mentioned lately that I hate people who get pregnant their first try??
My glimmer of hope yesterday is gone. Replaced by the typical feeling of dread as the end of the TWW quickly approaches. At this point I'm not excited to test. I'm fearful.
D doesn't want me to until Sunday. We'll see. I used both of the FRER I bought yesterday so I'm stuck with only the cheapies. I'm going to try and stick to them and just wait for my b/w on Wednesday. I don't want to spend $60 on HPT this try. I really don't want to. It's so pointless and I am so impatient.
I'm just wrapping up my day and I'm heading back downtown to meet up with D for dinner. I'm going to see Spring Awakening tonight - solo. I'm a bit nervous which is normal since I'm sitting on the stage! Nothing to make you feel better than to see a musical about a girl who gets pregnant, has an abortion and then dies. Yay!

10 DPO - BFN FRER

Ok so back to the drawing board.
10 DPO = BFN
I must have been testing the HCG trigger.

Well it's out now. Let's just hope there is something more to test in the next couple of days. I had wonderful dreams of BFP's again last night. I was certain I was going to wake up to a darkening line. $20 in HPT in less than 24 hours. I really need to get this in control but at least I know now that the trigger is gone.
Anything from this point on will be real. It has to be. I need it to be. I feel sadness lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on me.

9 DPO super super faint positive

So I caved and POA FRER.
Super faint positive.
It's now 10 days past my trigger shot.... could it still be that? Or am I catching the beginning of a real BFP??

Oh dear.

9 DPO

I'm feeling so much hope this time. Last night was full of BFP dreams. I must have pee'd on a hundred FRER throughout the night to see them get darker and darker. I sometimes think it's amazing how after all of this I can still feel so hopeful. Shouldn't I be completely bitter and just assume it's a BFN?
I believe with all my naive heart that this is my lucky try. I have nothing to back that up other than a "feeling" so we'll see.
Am I setting myself up for soul crushing defeat?
Probably.
We'll see what happens.

Dollarama = BFN

D would have been absolutely horrified had she been with me at the dollar store today. I bought sooo many tests. I wonder how many other women do this? It must be common.
Anyhoo...
I tested again tonight and it was a BFN. Not surprising considering the FRER line was so light. It must have been the HCG from my Ovidrel shot because that is the only logical answer. What is crazy (other than the number of dollor store tests I bought) is that the cheapie test didn't pick up any HCG less than 48 hours after my first trigger in December!? Maybe THAT was the dud test?

The TWW is an evil beast!!!!!
No FRER again until 14 DPO!!
Lord knows I have enough cheapies!!

xoxo
Gossip Girl (which is new tonight --- yippeee)