I wish I could post the whole story with all of the details but I can’t. All I can say is that the dude I thought was the donor, IRL, isn’t. I’m sad about this and I’ll get to why a bit later on. First, I started looking stuff up again after offering advice on what to do with donor info/pictures that have not been provided by the donor. It got me thinking that although I had saved a couple of pictures I hadn’t safely secured any of the written info I had found. That’s when I started searching again and things started to unravel. I will now caution anyone as silly as I am to really think about seeking unauthorized info and the consequence of being wrong.
Without getting too specific, I had 2 pieces of info that put together seemed to be the key to his identity. Everything matched for the guy I had found including his career, geographical location, age and number of siblings. The problem started when I googled his dad for the first time. Up popped a professional website with more info than I could have ever expected! I found his father’s entire resume with education and including extra-curricular activities. With this brought two pieces of conflicting info 1) I had mistaken his father for his grandfather and 2) His father’s career and education does not match what is listed our donor profile. The first piece of information may or may not be significant. The issue was that I found him through his relationship to his paternal grandfather and if I was actually connecting him to his father that is a real blow to my confidence in the match. Also, I hadn't even considered I could be looking for his Maternal relative. That relationship was what zeroed me in on one specific person instead of a large group of people. The reality is, even if that is how I found him, I was focusing on a specific group of candidates and I found someone who matched our donor perfectly... or so I thought! It’s the second bit of information that has really thrown me off. Is it possible our donor lied on his profile to hide his father’s career, to make him LESS successful and LESS educated? I would think not. Bummer.
I know that many people have expressed uneasiness with doing this, with searching out the donor and with even caring. Initially I searched because it was a challenge and it was fun. I was so happy to find an adult picture and info to share with Sadie since I know, despite the fact that he is ID release, she may never have more than a name. I was also happy to find a strong and healthy looking person. As much as this statement excludes D in the process, I did use this person to make a baby. I’m glad he wasn’t creepy looking, or (shame on me) a loser. I was proud that I’d offered her some good genes since some of mine leave a lot to be desired! I guess I’m back to square one and perhaps over my search. I’ve tried digging up dirt on the others on my list of candidates but it’s not easy. I’ve decided to keep the info and picture anyway because he could still be the right guy. Sadie will know the truth if she wants to, at 18. Maybe I’ll have a little extra info for her if I was right.
On the topic of our donor, I met a family last weekend that has 2 little boys from the Fair.fax donor who sold out and ultimately forced us to switch to Xy.tex. It was weird. We weren’t meeting Sadie’s half-sibs, we were meeting half-sibs for the child we wanted so badly but didn’t have, the child from my chemical pregnancy, our first BFP. That’s the crazy thing about using a donor (or 4). Our child would have been very different if try #1-#6 had worked. Would we have had one of these bright blonde children? Maybe a boy? Wow. Weird. Wow.
Now if only we could find a real half-sib. Someone obsessive has to be out there googling our donor number. I’m RIGHT THERE and waiting to be easily contacted.
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I can't remember... did you end up joining the DSR? It's a good way to contact half-sibs if they're listed and who knows, they may have more info on the donor or he may end up making contact himself.
ReplyDeleteJust curious... if your donor is ID release, why are you trying to find out who he is now? Someday Sadie will probably at least have his name and possibly be able to meet him. I get the curiosity in the donor because I was really curious about ours for a while too, though the curiosity has faded over time.
I said before that I'd be uneasy having too much information, mostly because I figure our donor chose to be anonymous, and there are ways for him to make contact if he wants to, so if he doesn't, I feel like giving my kids a whole bunch of information on him may lead them to have a very upsetting interaction with him someday if he doesn't want to be contacted.
We used a different donor for our very first try because the sperm bank only had IUI-ready sperm for the donor we really wanted (and ended up succeeding with) and at the time we wanted to do ICI. Sometimes I think about how we would have completely different children if that try had worked. Crazy. But obviously everything happens for a reason.
We are on the DSR but there are no matches. Weird considering the other donors we'ved used all have 20+!
ReplyDeleteI think my search is mostly for sport but I also think ID release is not necessarily going to mean much in the long run and Sadie may want info to understand where she "came from". I mean, they get name and last known address. Essentially, I have that now and I can't pin him down (from a list of people). It's amazing how many people share names.
At the very least I have info like the state and exact town.
I have thought about this a lot for us in terms of, if IUI #1-7 worked, we wouldn't have chunk and would have a completely different kid! It blows my mind if I think about it too much. Things really do happen for a reason because I wouldn't trade chunk in for anything...and I had to struggle to get him.
ReplyDeleteHi I read your blog from time to time but never comment. I would really caution you to be careful what you wish for in doing this kind of search. Several states have established case law that has given anon. donors parental rights after the fact. There is a reason they sign away all rights when they donate, and it is to protect you in the long run. If you are serious about tracking a donor down, than seriously consider what you will do if he wants to be sadie's "dad" in a very involved way.
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