This may be a gigantic jinx, I certainly hope not, but I think we’re in the clear for Chicken Pox. I’ve become somewhat of an expert on Varicella lately and I think my mom was most contagious on February 22nd. We’re now at 16 days post potential exposure and NO SPOTS. The average incubation period is 14 days, not quite the TWW I’m used to blogging about but I’ve been counting down the days just the same. I think that by the end of the weekend we should know for sure and we hope nothing pops up between now and then because we’re going away. Fingers crossed!
I wanted to take a minute to blog about my comment that D and I sleep in separate rooms. It all started back in May last year when we put our condo for sale. We had always had Sadie in our room in her mini-crib closely beside my side and had just assembled her full crib. Our real estate agent said that the crib couldn’t stay in our room and had to be put in the “nursery”. He also said our bed frame had to go which resulted in our Queen Mattress resting on top of boxes (hoping no one sat on our bed during an open house). Yes, our condo was THAT small.
Around this time we were also having work done on the condo (new carpet and laminate flooring) and I was essentially evicted. In retrospect I have no idea why I didn’t set up our pack n play and encourage Sadie to sleep there. No, we started co-sleeping. First it was at our friends and then as we travelled from relative to relative. Sadie and I slept in the same bed and I was immediately hooked.
After an absence of close to two weeks we returned to the condo which was no longer our “home” but a shell of it. D slept on an air mattress in the living room and Sadie and I balanced on our makeshift bed. It was pretty ghetto. After that we continued to bounce around to different places and D wasn’t always with us. Eventually it became normal that we slept in separate rooms and it worked because D was able to sleep longer without interruption. In the new house D got her own bedroom and the master is where Sadie and I sleep. I assume #2 will join us.
Some people think this is really bad for our relationship. I wish D would co-sleep with us but Sadie tends to kick her a lot. Also, in general, D has a much harder time getting back to sleep after being interrupted. I’m the exact opposite. I can get up and down in the middle of the night and fall back to sleep immediately. Therefore I’m the natural one to take care of Sadie while D gets her full sleep so she is not a beast in the morning (which she can be and it’s scary). So that’s both the story of how we started co-sleeping and stopped sleeping in the same room.
On the topic of Co-sleeping, I’m having my doubts. There have been some very difficult times where I’ve wanted to quit but mostly it has been a great bonding experience. At 14 months I’m starting to wonder when we’ll move her into her toddler bed and how we’ll do it. It has to happen because I do not want to be like my parents and have a 12 year old in my bed.
I say I have my doubts but that is mostly about Attached Parenting. I had never set out to be AP but I fell into it because that is evidently my natural parenting style. Now I have a very dependant child who doesn’t even want to ride in a shopping cart. Fortunately I had invested in a new carrier because I’m certainly using it! I also have very little freedom to do anything at night unless I have my mom sleeping with her. Have I created a monster? I look at my brother who I’d say was raised by AP crossed with Helicopter parents and he is a horribly spoiled BRAT. I worry when I see him and when I hear stories of my friend’s 13 year old niece who is completely out of control. Is that what kids are like these days? Entitled, out of control, and spoiled rotten? How can I make sure Sadie does not grow up like this? Is AP good for her or is it the early stages of her getting what she wants and controlling me? Don’t get me wrong I love co-sleeping and being AP but I wonder if it’s right in the long run. Am I preparing her for the real world? I'm not sure.
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So tough to know what to do and there are no right or wrong answers.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to sleep side by side to be close to your partner. We have our more intimate moments in a room other than the one we sleep in because of the kids being there...I've learned that the bed does not equal close relationship.
I would try to get her to sleep without someone there just for your own sanity. I sleep with Jackson on my side but I can put him to bed and leave him there. At first he was always waking but now he doesn't wake often so I get to enjoy my evening without someone there with him. Do you have noise on in the room? We put on a fan and the noise helps keep the room from being too quiet.
I don't believe AP breeds monsters but I do believe that kids need to learn to give you some space. I will not carry kids everywhere when they're older because they are heavy. But when they're little, I carried them everywhere.
I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, it's just a matter of personal choice.
ReplyDeleteBefore Erik was even born, Kim and I both knew we didn't want the kids in bed with us and that never changed for either of us. Erik has slept in our bed three times in his life, once when the power was out, and twice in the last couple of months when he was sick. Ian has never slept in our bed. (There have been other times when we've slept away from home where they've slept with us.) I don't mind once in a while if they're not feeling well or something, but we're much more likely to try to settle them down again in their own rooms than bring them to bed with us, even if it takes longer.
For us, having our bed to ourselves is important. We knew we didn't want the kids in there long-term so we made the decision not to co-sleep at all. It seemed like it would be a really hard thing to change later so we just didn't start. They slept in our room in bassinets when they were newborns and even that drove us crazy because sleeping babies are noisy. It's just not for us.
All of that aside, if it works for your family then go with it! I don't think anyone is wrong for doing it if that's what works and everyone in the family is happy.
I don't have an opinion about attached parenting. I don't even think I knew it existed until Erik was well past the newborn stage. We didn't do it, but we did hold our kids a lot when they were babies and we still do a lot of hugging and cuddling with both of them.
I agree that this is a matter of personal choice and can be controversial, so I will give my opinion but in no way want to seem like I am placing judgement- to each their own, I just know what works for us.
ReplyDeleteI do not like the idea of co-sleeping and we have never done it. Chunk slept in a bassinet from birth to 6 weeks then we moved him to his crib where he has slept everynight since. I would never sleep if he was next to me so it was never an option. I rarely even nursed him in our bed. I do feel that having his room and our room sets good solid boundries and he knows his bed- we put him to bed everynight (and naps) awake and he puts himself to sleep in minutes. This has given us good adult time in the evening, whether it is to watch tv, talk or more.
Do you and D feel strong as a couple and regret sleeping in different rooms? Do you guys still have an initmate life-not even just sex, but initmacy as a couple?
I don't know much about AP, but I feel like we have created/nurtured a kid who is independent but bonded. There is no right answer, I just know what works for us.
I think that in many ways sleeping in different rooms has been about survival in the first year. D can't handle losing sleep. I've known that for a long time. Once on vacation, on a cruise, I got the Norwalk Virus and thought I was dying. It was the middle of the night and she told me to shut up and go to sleep. True story. The next day I was in the cruise hospital on IV. lol So not being in the same room makes things work. Intimacy is long long gone. ):
ReplyDeleteThere is a study that says cosleeping to 5 is beneficial. I'm sure there are studies on everything. I grew up sometimes cosleeping with my mom so maybe that's wh it feels so natural. We also have kids who aren't the best sleepers. Riley didn't sleep through thr night until 3 and she always had her own room. By sharing, we have less sleep loss. Thankfully Angele sleeps through everything because she needs more sleep than I do.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the intimacy but you really should work at that. Your relationship has to get some of the effort you put in to raising your kid. It's not easy to find the time or energy but oh so worth it!!! And a night away without the kid can do wonders--trust me!!
J- your response makes me sad. I in no way want to come off as a marriage counselor, but I agree with Stacey, that you need to put as much effort into your adult relatioship as you do with your child. A strong partnership will only create a strong household and foundation for S. If you let your marriage become less important, then chances if it surviving are small. Marriages are hard work but it sounds like D needs to be more flexible because she is equally (or should be) a parent to S and there are just times that parents don't sleep, that is life.
ReplyDeleteYour comment about intimacy being long gone made me sad too. In the first year it's understandable that there isn't as much time for each other but after that you really have to make an effort to be close as a couple. Although life is often all about the kids, your relationship shouldn't be. It needs to be strong outside of parenting and that takes work, but it's so worth it. Kim and I have really started focusing on each other and our relationship and things feel so great between us right now. It takes some effort but not a huge amount. We're making more time for us as a couple even when we can't go out - once a week we have a "date night" where we make dinner after the kids are in bed and just spend time together. Since we started doing this, I can honestly say I feel so much happier.
ReplyDelete