Ok so back to the drawing board.
10 DPO = BFN
I must have been testing the HCG trigger.
Well it's out now. Let's just hope there is something more to test in the next couple of days. I had wonderful dreams of BFP's again last night. I was certain I was going to wake up to a darkening line. $20 in HPT in less than 24 hours. I really need to get this in control but at least I know now that the trigger is gone.
Anything from this point on will be real. It has to be. I need it to be. I feel sadness lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
9 DPO super super faint positive
So I caved and POA FRER.
Super faint positive.
It's now 10 days past my trigger shot.... could it still be that? Or am I catching the beginning of a real BFP??
Oh dear.
Super faint positive.
It's now 10 days past my trigger shot.... could it still be that? Or am I catching the beginning of a real BFP??
Oh dear.
9 DPO
I'm feeling so much hope this time. Last night was full of BFP dreams. I must have pee'd on a hundred FRER throughout the night to see them get darker and darker. I sometimes think it's amazing how after all of this I can still feel so hopeful. Shouldn't I be completely bitter and just assume it's a BFN?
I believe with all my naive heart that this is my lucky try. I have nothing to back that up other than a "feeling" so we'll see.
Am I setting myself up for soul crushing defeat?
Probably.
We'll see what happens.
I believe with all my naive heart that this is my lucky try. I have nothing to back that up other than a "feeling" so we'll see.
Am I setting myself up for soul crushing defeat?
Probably.
We'll see what happens.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dollarama = BFN
D would have been absolutely horrified had she been with me at the dollar store today. I bought sooo many tests. I wonder how many other women do this? It must be common.
Anyhoo...
I tested again tonight and it was a BFN. Not surprising considering the FRER line was so light. It must have been the HCG from my Ovidrel shot because that is the only logical answer. What is crazy (other than the number of dollor store tests I bought) is that the cheapie test didn't pick up any HCG less than 48 hours after my first trigger in December!? Maybe THAT was the dud test?
The TWW is an evil beast!!!!!
No FRER again until 14 DPO!!
Lord knows I have enough cheapies!!
xoxo
Gossip Girl (which is new tonight --- yippeee)
Anyhoo...
I tested again tonight and it was a BFN. Not surprising considering the FRER line was so light. It must have been the HCG from my Ovidrel shot because that is the only logical answer. What is crazy (other than the number of dollor store tests I bought) is that the cheapie test didn't pick up any HCG less than 48 hours after my first trigger in December!? Maybe THAT was the dud test?
The TWW is an evil beast!!!!!
No FRER again until 14 DPO!!
Lord knows I have enough cheapies!!
xoxo
Gossip Girl (which is new tonight --- yippeee)
Off to Dollarama!
I took a HPT this morning because I woke up itching to do it. I wanted to make sure the Ovidrel was out of my system so I could get a BFP and know it was true!
On my last cycle I took it 48 hours post HCG trigger and got a BFN with a $1 test. Now, 6 DPO, I took a FRER HPT and got a BFP. It's really faint like my chemical in July. 6 DPO is way too early. This is evil! That bloody test was supposed to be a negative!
Maybe this happened becuase I was using a $1 store test last time? It seems like anyone who has gotten a BFP from a FRER is also able to get one from a $1 test. I was shocked last time to not see a BFP so early on... that was the point of testing 48 hours after the shot.
UGHHHHH!! Now the TWW is going to be brutal! I'm going to be going to dollarama tonight to stock up on enough tests to last me from now until the 25th.
On my last cycle I took it 48 hours post HCG trigger and got a BFN with a $1 test. Now, 6 DPO, I took a FRER HPT and got a BFP. It's really faint like my chemical in July. 6 DPO is way too early. This is evil! That bloody test was supposed to be a negative!
Maybe this happened becuase I was using a $1 store test last time? It seems like anyone who has gotten a BFP from a FRER is also able to get one from a $1 test. I was shocked last time to not see a BFP so early on... that was the point of testing 48 hours after the shot.
UGHHHHH!! Now the TWW is going to be brutal! I'm going to be going to dollarama tonight to stock up on enough tests to last me from now until the 25th.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Dealing with other people being pregnant
I've noticed that throughout this process I have gained a sort of a pregnancy clairvoyance. I have a great degree of accuracy in predicting other people getting pregnant weeks before they announce. It's become somewhat of a joke at work.
The preggo ladies at my work come in 2 lucky flavours:
1) Doe-eyed newlyweds who are pregnant before their newly built homes have grass planted (We got pregnant on the first night of our honeymoon!!)
2) Those having previously been "living in sin" only to marry to legitimize their intended pregnancy
Returning to work (under both categories) pregnant with #2 after the year long maternity leave is also becoming extremely predictable.
I find that I am not a jealous TTC'er and I think that is a really good thing. Adding envy and jealousy into the mix of emotions would not work for me. I'm sad that our "plans" have all been shit on but I do not begrudge anyone else for getting pregnant when I haven't. Especially since I'm taking it slow. If I said to you we'd tried 24x over the past 2 years (since our first clinic appointment) I may have a different opinion but the reality is, in the last 9 months, we've only tried 2x.
The thing is... and the point to this later in the night rambly post... is that I'm good with it. D is not. I'm finding she's getting really bitter and sad at other people getting pregnant. Today was her co-workers last day at work. She came back from mat leave preggo. As it happens, she's gotten pregnant and will have given birth twice since our first try.
This has lead D to come up to bed saying her "heart was hurting" because of "another pregnancy" (waking me up). Sometimes Facebook is not your friend when you have these feelings. I don't think D can handle anyone else announcing pregnancy over their Facebook status. It sucks. It also sucks when we're in the mall and D sees a lesbian couple with a child and/or baby and says she "fucking hates them".
This breaks my heart because in the real world outside of TTC it is D that is way stronger than I am in every aspect. There is just something about this that his breaking her down and there isn't anything I can do except get pregnant to fix it. This sucks. A lot.
The preggo ladies at my work come in 2 lucky flavours:
1) Doe-eyed newlyweds who are pregnant before their newly built homes have grass planted (We got pregnant on the first night of our honeymoon!!)
2) Those having previously been "living in sin" only to marry to legitimize their intended pregnancy
Returning to work (under both categories) pregnant with #2 after the year long maternity leave is also becoming extremely predictable.
I find that I am not a jealous TTC'er and I think that is a really good thing. Adding envy and jealousy into the mix of emotions would not work for me. I'm sad that our "plans" have all been shit on but I do not begrudge anyone else for getting pregnant when I haven't. Especially since I'm taking it slow. If I said to you we'd tried 24x over the past 2 years (since our first clinic appointment) I may have a different opinion but the reality is, in the last 9 months, we've only tried 2x.
The thing is... and the point to this later in the night rambly post... is that I'm good with it. D is not. I'm finding she's getting really bitter and sad at other people getting pregnant. Today was her co-workers last day at work. She came back from mat leave preggo. As it happens, she's gotten pregnant and will have given birth twice since our first try.
This has lead D to come up to bed saying her "heart was hurting" because of "another pregnancy" (waking me up). Sometimes Facebook is not your friend when you have these feelings. I don't think D can handle anyone else announcing pregnancy over their Facebook status. It sucks. It also sucks when we're in the mall and D sees a lesbian couple with a child and/or baby and says she "fucking hates them".
This breaks my heart because in the real world outside of TTC it is D that is way stronger than I am in every aspect. There is just something about this that his breaking her down and there isn't anything I can do except get pregnant to fix it. This sucks. A lot.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Why?
... did I wait so long to leave my old Clinic?
Seriously!
I feel so good about try #8. The entire experience has been amazing... Night and Day compared to how I had been treated in the past. All of the stress and manic behavior was GONE.
In the past I have always gone into a frenzy of "missing ovulation" or "ruining a perfect try". I think I've come to accept that for the most part (I've had a couple of shiteous cycles), I respond well to Clomid and there will always be another try. That definitely happened this time because my cycle was pretty much identical to the one in December.
Seriously!
I feel so good about try #8. The entire experience has been amazing... Night and Day compared to how I had been treated in the past. All of the stress and manic behavior was GONE.
In the past I have always gone into a frenzy of "missing ovulation" or "ruining a perfect try". I think I've come to accept that for the most part (I've had a couple of shiteous cycles), I respond well to Clomid and there will always be another try. That definitely happened this time because my cycle was pretty much identical to the one in December.
The new clinic is a bit vague on the phone and only provides my Estrogen and instructions for the next day (I found out follicle size and count in the morning). I liked not knowing my LH. It gave me one less thing to worry about. That said, I was curious to know if I was already surging when I was called in for my IUI on Tuesday. I found out that I had surged that morning (my LH was 33) so that means my timing was exactly what the dr. and I had discussed. I was inseminated the day before I would have been on my last cycle.
December cycle: LH 28, Injection of Ovidrel (Day of LH surge), 24 hours prior to IUI.
March cycle: LH 33, Injection of Ovidrel (Day before LH surge), 19 hours prior to IUI.
I feel really good about this timing. This was what I had wanted in December and it is exactly how we planned this cycle. I'm blown away by it all.
As for my IUI, I had a bit of a surprise. Dr. P really was MIA. My IUI was done at my OLD clinic by one of their doctors!! At first I was worried (specfically about running into Nurse Ratched) but then I found out which doctor and was OK with it.
Aside from the cycle being short and near perfect the IUI really summed up the experience. I met my nurse on our floor and she took me upstairs for the procedure. I was happy to see that I didn't have to sit in the main seating area because I really was avoiding Nurse R. No such luck. I saw her and she scowled at me. D (who was not there) said she doubted she was scowling directly at me. I agree. Someone else probably asked her a question. Seeing her ugly face made me realize that she is a miserable bitch and I really shouldn't have put up with her as long as I had.
I digress.
The IUI went very well. This specific doctor has her own procedure room. The room was very relaxing with meditation music and dimmed lights. I was able to warm up the sperm in my hand which I thought was really special (and a first). The nurse told me that it helps for the sperm to be "nice and warm" and that body heat is the best way to warm up the sample. Interesting point. In the past I'm certain there have been times when the sperm was still semi-frozen because of how cold it felt going in. Anyway.... I was also able to see the sperm under the microscope (only second time).
MAJOR points for the Doctor. She asked if she'd met me before. When I said "yes" she asked if she'd done my sono. YES! She had. In April 2007!! Talk about a good memory. Crazy, huh? I was so impressed! She is the doctor I wish I'd had at my clinic.
I digress, again.
My nurse stayed in the room for my IUI and held my arm! My heart mealted. She was so nice to me!
After the procedure was done the Dr. told me to rub her fertility goddess. I took a picture because I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to show D.
Hopefully all of these good things equal a BFP on March 25th!!
December cycle: LH 28, Injection of Ovidrel (Day of LH surge), 24 hours prior to IUI.
March cycle: LH 33, Injection of Ovidrel (Day before LH surge), 19 hours prior to IUI.
I feel really good about this timing. This was what I had wanted in December and it is exactly how we planned this cycle. I'm blown away by it all.
As for my IUI, I had a bit of a surprise. Dr. P really was MIA. My IUI was done at my OLD clinic by one of their doctors!! At first I was worried (specfically about running into Nurse Ratched) but then I found out which doctor and was OK with it.
Aside from the cycle being short and near perfect the IUI really summed up the experience. I met my nurse on our floor and she took me upstairs for the procedure. I was happy to see that I didn't have to sit in the main seating area because I really was avoiding Nurse R. No such luck. I saw her and she scowled at me. D (who was not there) said she doubted she was scowling directly at me. I agree. Someone else probably asked her a question. Seeing her ugly face made me realize that she is a miserable bitch and I really shouldn't have put up with her as long as I had.
I digress.
The IUI went very well. This specific doctor has her own procedure room. The room was very relaxing with meditation music and dimmed lights. I was able to warm up the sperm in my hand which I thought was really special (and a first). The nurse told me that it helps for the sperm to be "nice and warm" and that body heat is the best way to warm up the sample. Interesting point. In the past I'm certain there have been times when the sperm was still semi-frozen because of how cold it felt going in. Anyway.... I was also able to see the sperm under the microscope (only second time).
MAJOR points for the Doctor. She asked if she'd met me before. When I said "yes" she asked if she'd done my sono. YES! She had. In April 2007!! Talk about a good memory. Crazy, huh? I was so impressed! She is the doctor I wish I'd had at my clinic.
I digress, again.
My nurse stayed in the room for my IUI and held my arm! My heart mealted. She was so nice to me!
After the procedure was done the Dr. told me to rub her fertility goddess. I took a picture because I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to show D.
Hopefully all of these good things equal a BFP on March 25th!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)