Morning sickness sucks.
Morning sickness without being pregnant sucks a lot!!!!!
Last time I triggered I didn't have any symptoms. This time.... sick stomach. I've been up since 4:00 am and I'm partially panicking about the fact that I need to go to the clinic again this morning. I am soooo tired. I feel like I can't do this.
I finally gave up on sleeping even though I'm exhausted and I'm watching a Tivo'd episode of Degrassi the Next Generation. At 5:00 am.
I think I'm going to call in sick.
I do not like having an upset stomach. I know that sounds stupid because who does? I'm saying I really do not like it to the point of an upset stomach turning into a bad panic attack. I've found that in the last year every episode of feeling sick has turned into me throwing up and having a panic attack about being pregnant. As soon as I feel better I want to be pregnant again yet while I'm sick I don't want it at all. My nerves are shot. This is happening way more than I'd like to admit.
I am terrified of morning sickness (the real deal). I keep telling myself there are meds you can take to make it better but I'm still worried. I am not going to be one of those brave ladies who say "they love every minute of it" because they are "just happy to be pregnant". I'm probably going to get a BFP and then start a 9 month panic attack. Not because this isn't what I want but because that's how I am. I've hid this until now because I do not want anyone to think I do not want to be pregnant or that I'm ungrateful. When I got my BFP in July that is what happened. I didn't have feelings of joy or happiness. I had feelings of complete terror and regret. It's a very confusing feeling to know that you want something so badly but your body betrays you with feelings like this.
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Day 13 - Update
I'm so exhausted and so lazy with blogging lately.
We're just so busy and this was an especially insane weekend. We had so many things planned plus we had to go to the clinic Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday. Thankfully, tomorrow is our insemination. Getting up early on a regular day is one thing but getting up early when the time changes is just.... horrible.
Things at the new clinic have been OK. We haven't seen Dr. P since Day 3. I have a very vague recollection of her telling us she'd be on vacation in March. That must be the case because another doctor has been reviewing our files.
I'm not entirely pleased with this because I think they've waited too long once again to trigger me. I feel like if Dr. P was there, knowing my history, she would have done it differently. Anyway, I was called this afternoon and told my insemination would be tomorrow and that I should see the nurse for my HSG shot in the morning (5 hours before IUI)!! I'm not sure what my LH is right now (if I'm surging or not) because they haven't been telling me. I do know that my estrogen is high and my follicles are 1.9 and 2.2. Thankfully I was being my skeptical self this weekend and picked up my Ovidrel. I e-mailed the nurse and she promptly replied telling me I could use it on my own. Have I mentioned "Thankfully"? I took it at 5:00 pm (19 hours before IUI).
I'm feeling OK about this. I'm positive I ovulate quickly so I'm ok that my IUI is before 24-36 hours. I would NOT have been ok if it had been 5 hours after the trigger. The concept of doing the insemination 36 hours post LH surge has not worked so maybe this will be of some use. I'm hoping that the Clomid, Metformin, Ovidrel and ultrasound guided IUI will help. According to the clinic's website, they have 50% higher IUI success rate and claim that the guided ultrasound allows the sperm to be released with greater precision.
We'll see what happens!
BFP?
BFP?
We're just so busy and this was an especially insane weekend. We had so many things planned plus we had to go to the clinic Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday. Thankfully, tomorrow is our insemination. Getting up early on a regular day is one thing but getting up early when the time changes is just.... horrible.
Things at the new clinic have been OK. We haven't seen Dr. P since Day 3. I have a very vague recollection of her telling us she'd be on vacation in March. That must be the case because another doctor has been reviewing our files.
I'm not entirely pleased with this because I think they've waited too long once again to trigger me. I feel like if Dr. P was there, knowing my history, she would have done it differently. Anyway, I was called this afternoon and told my insemination would be tomorrow and that I should see the nurse for my HSG shot in the morning (5 hours before IUI)!! I'm not sure what my LH is right now (if I'm surging or not) because they haven't been telling me. I do know that my estrogen is high and my follicles are 1.9 and 2.2. Thankfully I was being my skeptical self this weekend and picked up my Ovidrel. I e-mailed the nurse and she promptly replied telling me I could use it on my own. Have I mentioned "Thankfully"? I took it at 5:00 pm (19 hours before IUI).
I'm feeling OK about this. I'm positive I ovulate quickly so I'm ok that my IUI is before 24-36 hours. I would NOT have been ok if it had been 5 hours after the trigger. The concept of doing the insemination 36 hours post LH surge has not worked so maybe this will be of some use. I'm hoping that the Clomid, Metformin, Ovidrel and ultrasound guided IUI will help. According to the clinic's website, they have 50% higher IUI success rate and claim that the guided ultrasound allows the sperm to be released with greater precision.
We'll see what happens!
BFP?
BFP?
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 6
My December cycle feels like a blur. Did it really happen? I feel like I've been on a REALLY long break.
I was sitting at work today sorting through e-mails when I saw one from OHS (supplier for xytex) and all of a sudden I realized I'd forgotten to place the order for this cycle! Thankfully I remembered today! Seriously, what's wrong with me??? I forgot the sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've rented a car for this weekend (Thurs- Mon, 4 days) so that I can drive to the clinic and work. Realistically I'm within walking distance to the clinic but I'm so sick of the cold! Cold + early mornings = Painful. I'm also booked for a sweedish massage on Saturday! I'm going to be so relaxed!
I was sitting at work today sorting through e-mails when I saw one from OHS (supplier for xytex) and all of a sudden I realized I'd forgotten to place the order for this cycle! Thankfully I remembered today! Seriously, what's wrong with me??? I forgot the sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've rented a car for this weekend (Thurs- Mon, 4 days) so that I can drive to the clinic and work. Realistically I'm within walking distance to the clinic but I'm so sick of the cold! Cold + early mornings = Painful. I'm also booked for a sweedish massage on Saturday! I'm going to be so relaxed!
Weekend in the closet
Literally.
Our project this weekend was to organize our storage closet. We live in a condo so our closet is our garage. I didn't take a "before, before" shot because it was pretty embarrassing. Let's just say you couldn't open the door! Here is the "before" shot after we cleaned out all of the crap (we have so much stuff to donate).
Here is the "after" shot. We painted the walls brown and added new shelves on the bottom. The floor of the closet was not flat because it is above a stairwell. The shelving levels it out.
Our reward for finishing the closet was to go out to dinner. We decided to only spend the money we found while cleaning (surprisingly quite a lot) and that made digging through old bags and coats a treasure hunt. I'm glad this boring project is out of the way!
Our project this weekend was to organize our storage closet. We live in a condo so our closet is our garage. I didn't take a "before, before" shot because it was pretty embarrassing. Let's just say you couldn't open the door! Here is the "before" shot after we cleaned out all of the crap (we have so much stuff to donate).
Here is the "after" shot. We painted the walls brown and added new shelves on the bottom. The floor of the closet was not flat because it is above a stairwell. The shelving levels it out.
Our reward for finishing the closet was to go out to dinner. We decided to only spend the money we found while cleaning (surprisingly quite a lot) and that made digging through old bags and coats a treasure hunt. I'm glad this boring project is out of the way!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 3...
I'm finally BACK IN THE GAME. Today is day 3 and we had a very enjoyable & relaxing trip to the clinic this morning.
We got there at 7:05 and I was the only person on the elevator going to my clinic. It's weird because my new clinic is in the same building as my old clinic so I knew where the other women were going. I ended up 4th on the list and was out of there by 7:30 (we had some paperwork and stuff to go over).
Reason's why I love the new clinic:
1) 4th on the list at 7:05!!!!
2) My Dr. was in the u/s room and I found out my results right away!! (No Cysts, I can start clomid tomorrow)
3) My Doctor ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS. Sounds simple but my old Dr./Nurse used to give me the run around and made me feel like a loser for asking anything.
4) They had my clomid ready for me at the front desk. I thought I was just getting a prescription. Nope!
The true test is if I get pregnant of course. I'm already 1000x happier and I feel like I'm starting over as a newbie. We've taken a lot of breaks because of how upset I've been with our past experience. I really hope this makes the difference.
We got there at 7:05 and I was the only person on the elevator going to my clinic. It's weird because my new clinic is in the same building as my old clinic so I knew where the other women were going. I ended up 4th on the list and was out of there by 7:30 (we had some paperwork and stuff to go over).
Reason's why I love the new clinic:
1) 4th on the list at 7:05!!!!
2) My Dr. was in the u/s room and I found out my results right away!! (No Cysts, I can start clomid tomorrow)
3) My Doctor ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS. Sounds simple but my old Dr./Nurse used to give me the run around and made me feel like a loser for asking anything.
4) They had my clomid ready for me at the front desk. I thought I was just getting a prescription. Nope!
The true test is if I get pregnant of course. I'm already 1000x happier and I feel like I'm starting over as a newbie. We've taken a lot of breaks because of how upset I've been with our past experience. I really hope this makes the difference.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Almost Day 1, try # 8
TMI but I'm spotting so Day 1 will be tomorrow. I'm very excited for my first try with the new clinic!!! OMG - Try #8!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BIOPSY:
I went to my GP today for the biopsy of that funny looking mole. She said it looked better and that I may have cut it last time. Another round of TMI but I had to shave the area to show it to her. We went ahead with the biopsy regardless and I have a single stitch. She said that the worst case scenario would be removing it (if there were abnormal cells) and there was really nothing to worry about as far as getting pregnant and not knowing the results! That makes me feel a lot better. My blood pressure on the other hand.. is kinda high. At my physical it was 150/100 and today it was 140/100. She's not overly concerned and is not diagnosing hypertension. Back to cutting salt!!
WORK:
I started my new job on Monday and so far I'm really enjoying it. I had no idea how stressed out I felt in my old role. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I also really like my manager. He is hilarious!
ON A SERIOUS TOPIC:
In 2007, 90 children known to the Ontario Child welfare system died. These children were either open cases of CAS or had died within a year of their files being closed. This is so sad but I can honestly say I am not surprised at all. My nephew could have been one of those children and in my opinion CAS did not do enough to ensure he was being cared for. I have not mentioned this before but one of the reasons I called CAS this past summer was because my 3 year old nephew who is developmentally delayed and blind swallowed a bottle of pills and was rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. Immediately after this incident my SIL (who was the only one with him when this happened) insisted she did not want him anymore. So many things go through my mind. For example, how long was my blind 3 year old newphew left alone for him to find a bottle of pills and to swallow the contents? Did my SIL's breaking point come before or after this incident?? At that time, there had already been a complaint to CAS about my nephew not receiving the treatment he required. To my knowledge, after the initial contact there had been no follow-up. My complaint came AFTER this incident and was the 2nd time CAS was contacted. This was when my SIL was trying to give away all 3 of her children. It took CAS 2 months to get in contact with them and do the interview. A LOT can happen to a child in 2 months!! This makes me so angry. Further, CAS promised me discretion in their questioning. BS. We now have no contact with the children.
BIOPSY:
I went to my GP today for the biopsy of that funny looking mole. She said it looked better and that I may have cut it last time. Another round of TMI but I had to shave the area to show it to her. We went ahead with the biopsy regardless and I have a single stitch. She said that the worst case scenario would be removing it (if there were abnormal cells) and there was really nothing to worry about as far as getting pregnant and not knowing the results! That makes me feel a lot better. My blood pressure on the other hand.. is kinda high. At my physical it was 150/100 and today it was 140/100. She's not overly concerned and is not diagnosing hypertension. Back to cutting salt!!
WORK:
I started my new job on Monday and so far I'm really enjoying it. I had no idea how stressed out I felt in my old role. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I also really like my manager. He is hilarious!
ON A SERIOUS TOPIC:
In 2007, 90 children known to the Ontario Child welfare system died. These children were either open cases of CAS or had died within a year of their files being closed. This is so sad but I can honestly say I am not surprised at all. My nephew could have been one of those children and in my opinion CAS did not do enough to ensure he was being cared for. I have not mentioned this before but one of the reasons I called CAS this past summer was because my 3 year old nephew who is developmentally delayed and blind swallowed a bottle of pills and was rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. Immediately after this incident my SIL (who was the only one with him when this happened) insisted she did not want him anymore. So many things go through my mind. For example, how long was my blind 3 year old newphew left alone for him to find a bottle of pills and to swallow the contents? Did my SIL's breaking point come before or after this incident?? At that time, there had already been a complaint to CAS about my nephew not receiving the treatment he required. To my knowledge, after the initial contact there had been no follow-up. My complaint came AFTER this incident and was the 2nd time CAS was contacted. This was when my SIL was trying to give away all 3 of her children. It took CAS 2 months to get in contact with them and do the interview. A LOT can happen to a child in 2 months!! This makes me so angry. Further, CAS promised me discretion in their questioning. BS. We now have no contact with the children.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Update
It's 4:00 am and I'm completely awake. I've just spent the last hour sick to my stomach... which is entirely my fault but more on that later.
I had my follow-up with the new clinic today and it went really well. All of my tests came back normal and my diagnosis was "Fertile but unable to achieve Pregnancy after 7x IUI". She basically said there didn't seem to be a reason for me NOT to get pregnant so I guess you could say unexplained infertility? I'd prefer to say "lame ass doctor who fucked me over". Yes... I'm a bit angry. Just an FYI.
During our first appointment our new doctor (Dr. P) said that one thing she would have done differently with my last cycle was inseminate me a day earlier. It didn't really hit me last time what she'd said. This time however she went into detail and do you all remember THIS rant and THIS conclusion? The crying in the doctors office and begging to be inseminated the day before I actually was because the lab techs kept telling me I was ovulating? Well it certainly hit me today and I was almost back to those same tears!! Dr. P said that she could tell by my estrogen and Progesterone levels that I had ovulated before my first insemination and she's almost certain my 2.4 follicle on the day of the insemination was actually a cyst leftover from releasing the egg. I should add that I mentioned NOTHING about my freak out and what I had suspected on my own!!! She also said that the second insemination at 54 hours post surge according to my old clinic and 78 hours post surge based on her opinion was a complete waste!!!!! Possibly ALL of my second inseminations were done too late to be of any use! That is a couple thousand (if not more) in wasted sperm!! She also said that the Ovidrel was poorly timed!! DUH.. I can reference a few of my rants to that effect as well. Is she reading my blog??
My new protocol will be to trigger me as soon as I reach around 2.0 and my estrogen is high enough. This will ensure my insemination is timed well. She agrees that my LH surge is hard to read and that going from a 4 to a 7 for me is considered a surge. She called me a "fast ovulater" and hopes that using the trigger will help. Needless to say that is what I told my previous doctor and the reason I wanted Ovidrel in the first place!!! I'm so happy Dr. P recognized this without me telling her to look at it! I'm also sticking to 100 mg of clomid since it produces good results for me with no side effects. She had mentioned doing injectables but I've opted to stick with 2-3 more Clomid cycles with the ovidrel and better timing and once at 9-10 failed attempts we'll move DIRECTLY into IVF. I'm not going to waste my money on injectables. Let's just get this over with!!
Anyhoo... back to the sick stomach. It was NOT about this even though it could have been! Today has been interesting.. to say the least. On my way to work from my appointment I picked up 8 cupcakes for my 8 team members. A farewell gift to them on my last day. When I got to work we all decided to go out to lunch to celebrate. We ended up at this great Indian restaurant where we ate/drank (I didn't drink - damn metformin) and had a good time for a long 2 hour lunch! Afterward, we ended up at the pub across the street. Needless to say I did no work and there was no time for cupcakes. Apparently my coworkers prefer beer, not sweets!
After all of this I had plans with D to meet up and go to Structube which is a furniture store. We are looking for a new media stand. Unfortunately I had spent the afternoon in a pub drinking water and my bladder was hating me for it. After we looked around the store I HAD to find a restroom (and quickly) however knowing the area well, I knew it was not going to be easy. That's when D talked me into going to DUFF'S for buffalo wings. At this point I knew I could not eat anything else. My stomach was still full of Channa Masala yet the lure of the Duff's toilet was enough to make me agree. This is when I really did something stupid!! D ordered wings and I ate some - Medium Hot. Then when we got home I had a cupcake! So Channa Masala (Medium) + Wings (Medium-Hot) + Cupcakes = PUKING at 3:00 am. I even knew it when I was eating the wings. I said to D... I'm going to pay for this later and I have!
Final thought...I can't believe this was my last day! I don't think it has fully hit me yet!! People kept asking me if I was nervous or excited and I thought it was such a weird question.. but OMG... I no longer work in Operations... I've been there 7 years! On Monday I have a new VP, Director, Manager and TEAM. YIKES... !!!!
I had my follow-up with the new clinic today and it went really well. All of my tests came back normal and my diagnosis was "Fertile but unable to achieve Pregnancy after 7x IUI". She basically said there didn't seem to be a reason for me NOT to get pregnant so I guess you could say unexplained infertility? I'd prefer to say "lame ass doctor who fucked me over". Yes... I'm a bit angry. Just an FYI.
During our first appointment our new doctor (Dr. P) said that one thing she would have done differently with my last cycle was inseminate me a day earlier. It didn't really hit me last time what she'd said. This time however she went into detail and do you all remember THIS rant and THIS conclusion? The crying in the doctors office and begging to be inseminated the day before I actually was because the lab techs kept telling me I was ovulating? Well it certainly hit me today and I was almost back to those same tears!! Dr. P said that she could tell by my estrogen and Progesterone levels that I had ovulated before my first insemination and she's almost certain my 2.4 follicle on the day of the insemination was actually a cyst leftover from releasing the egg. I should add that I mentioned NOTHING about my freak out and what I had suspected on my own!!! She also said that the second insemination at 54 hours post surge according to my old clinic and 78 hours post surge based on her opinion was a complete waste!!!!! Possibly ALL of my second inseminations were done too late to be of any use! That is a couple thousand (if not more) in wasted sperm!! She also said that the Ovidrel was poorly timed!! DUH.. I can reference a few of my rants to that effect as well. Is she reading my blog??
My new protocol will be to trigger me as soon as I reach around 2.0 and my estrogen is high enough. This will ensure my insemination is timed well. She agrees that my LH surge is hard to read and that going from a 4 to a 7 for me is considered a surge. She called me a "fast ovulater" and hopes that using the trigger will help. Needless to say that is what I told my previous doctor and the reason I wanted Ovidrel in the first place!!! I'm so happy Dr. P recognized this without me telling her to look at it! I'm also sticking to 100 mg of clomid since it produces good results for me with no side effects. She had mentioned doing injectables but I've opted to stick with 2-3 more Clomid cycles with the ovidrel and better timing and once at 9-10 failed attempts we'll move DIRECTLY into IVF. I'm not going to waste my money on injectables. Let's just get this over with!!
Anyhoo... back to the sick stomach. It was NOT about this even though it could have been! Today has been interesting.. to say the least. On my way to work from my appointment I picked up 8 cupcakes for my 8 team members. A farewell gift to them on my last day. When I got to work we all decided to go out to lunch to celebrate. We ended up at this great Indian restaurant where we ate/drank (I didn't drink - damn metformin) and had a good time for a long 2 hour lunch! Afterward, we ended up at the pub across the street. Needless to say I did no work and there was no time for cupcakes. Apparently my coworkers prefer beer, not sweets!
After all of this I had plans with D to meet up and go to Structube which is a furniture store. We are looking for a new media stand. Unfortunately I had spent the afternoon in a pub drinking water and my bladder was hating me for it. After we looked around the store I HAD to find a restroom (and quickly) however knowing the area well, I knew it was not going to be easy. That's when D talked me into going to DUFF'S for buffalo wings. At this point I knew I could not eat anything else. My stomach was still full of Channa Masala yet the lure of the Duff's toilet was enough to make me agree. This is when I really did something stupid!! D ordered wings and I ate some - Medium Hot. Then when we got home I had a cupcake! So Channa Masala (Medium) + Wings (Medium-Hot) + Cupcakes = PUKING at 3:00 am. I even knew it when I was eating the wings. I said to D... I'm going to pay for this later and I have!
Final thought...I can't believe this was my last day! I don't think it has fully hit me yet!! People kept asking me if I was nervous or excited and I thought it was such a weird question.. but OMG... I no longer work in Operations... I've been there 7 years! On Monday I have a new VP, Director, Manager and TEAM. YIKES... !!!!
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