(the view from my side of the bed)
Ugh. I'm tired. (;
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Happy 2 week Birthday!
Our baby girl is two weeks old today!
She's changing so much already. She's stretching out and is outgrowing (in length) her 13lb sleepers (she's 8lbs). She's that long! Her feet are also filling the entire footie. My fantasy of having a ballerina is fading and being replaced by dreams of basketball!
Feeding issues aside - these have been the best two weeks of my life. I love her so much!!
She's changing so much already. She's stretching out and is outgrowing (in length) her 13lb sleepers (she's 8lbs). She's that long! Her feet are also filling the entire footie. My fantasy of having a ballerina is fading and being replaced by dreams of basketball!
Feeding issues aside - these have been the best two weeks of my life. I love her so much!!
Still Trying...
Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice.
I'm now taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle to try and boost my milk supply. I've only had a couple of days where it felt like I actually had any supply at all. I hope it works.
The plan right now is to BF Sadie prior to giving her formula. I have no idea how much she is getting because of this but the goal right now is to at least bring in my milk. Pumping is NOT going well. I'm still only about to get 0.5-1 oz after pumping for 20+ minutes.
I don't think I will be exclusively breast feeding at this point. Sadie is doing well on formula and our pediatrician made me feel like less of a monster for having her on it. What I want is to provide as much breast milk as I can and just be happy with that. Some is better than none.
I have my doula and a nurse helping out (both lactation consultants). It's stressful and I feel so lazy for having had this happen. If I had come home from the hospital Breast Feeding I may not have "quit" like I feel I have. I do not have a story of pain or suffering from my endless trying. No tears (other than those of guilt), no pain (other than regret) and I'm left with a very happy baby who eats well and sleeps well. I took the easy road and I know that....
I'm getting a bit better on bottle washing. Thank you for your advice. I did go out and buy a dispenser and I've adjusted how I make the bottles. Originally I had been prepping formula and leaving it in the fridge for 24 hours but now I'm prepping the water and adding the formula as needed. The nurse I'm working with is against this but it was recommended by our pediatrician. The nurse says I have to use the water within 30 minutes but I think she is taking the literal definition of that "rule". I'm pretty sure the "use within 30 minutes" statement means you should not leave the pot of water on the stove for 2 hours before putting the water away.
I'm also stove top boiling because I actually HATE my microwave sterilizer. I may sell it on craigslist. Unfortunately we do not have a sensitization cycle on our dishwasher although we'll look for that when we get a new one (our current died and was resurrected so we're on borrowed time right now).
Mental health wise I'm feeling BETTER. Not GREAT but better than I was when I wrote the last entry. I was certain at that point I had PPD because I was so distraught (crying on the kitchen floor while washing bottles distraught). It's hard not to say "don't beat yourself up" or "don't feel guilty" when I 100% think that my own laziness has caused the situation we're in and Sadie is the one paying for it. At the very least our peditrician is not judging me.
Off to wash bottles!! ):
I'm now taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle to try and boost my milk supply. I've only had a couple of days where it felt like I actually had any supply at all. I hope it works.
The plan right now is to BF Sadie prior to giving her formula. I have no idea how much she is getting because of this but the goal right now is to at least bring in my milk. Pumping is NOT going well. I'm still only about to get 0.5-1 oz after pumping for 20+ minutes.
I don't think I will be exclusively breast feeding at this point. Sadie is doing well on formula and our pediatrician made me feel like less of a monster for having her on it. What I want is to provide as much breast milk as I can and just be happy with that. Some is better than none.
I have my doula and a nurse helping out (both lactation consultants). It's stressful and I feel so lazy for having had this happen. If I had come home from the hospital Breast Feeding I may not have "quit" like I feel I have. I do not have a story of pain or suffering from my endless trying. No tears (other than those of guilt), no pain (other than regret) and I'm left with a very happy baby who eats well and sleeps well. I took the easy road and I know that....
I'm getting a bit better on bottle washing. Thank you for your advice. I did go out and buy a dispenser and I've adjusted how I make the bottles. Originally I had been prepping formula and leaving it in the fridge for 24 hours but now I'm prepping the water and adding the formula as needed. The nurse I'm working with is against this but it was recommended by our pediatrician. The nurse says I have to use the water within 30 minutes but I think she is taking the literal definition of that "rule". I'm pretty sure the "use within 30 minutes" statement means you should not leave the pot of water on the stove for 2 hours before putting the water away.
I'm also stove top boiling because I actually HATE my microwave sterilizer. I may sell it on craigslist. Unfortunately we do not have a sensitization cycle on our dishwasher although we'll look for that when we get a new one (our current died and was resurrected so we're on borrowed time right now).
Mental health wise I'm feeling BETTER. Not GREAT but better than I was when I wrote the last entry. I was certain at that point I had PPD because I was so distraught (crying on the kitchen floor while washing bottles distraught). It's hard not to say "don't beat yourself up" or "don't feel guilty" when I 100% think that my own laziness has caused the situation we're in and Sadie is the one paying for it. At the very least our peditrician is not judging me.
Off to wash bottles!! ):
Friday, January 8, 2010
Guilt
Frustration
Confusion
Shame
Breast Feeding is not what I expected it to be at all. It has been day after day of self doubt and loathing - wishing I could "perform" and feeling lazy when I've given in to supplementing because it is so easy and has a positive effect. I haven't made up my mind what I want to do. Will my milk be there tomorrow if I change my mind? I can't figure out how can something that was so important to me turn into something so disposable? It seems like I'm destined to formula feed.
Things started out OK in the hospital. Sadie had a good latch that we started working on in the recovery room after my c-section. I spent a lot of time the next day with her close to me trying to breast feed. For the most part it seemed to be working. On Day 2 we attended the hospital's Breast Feeding Clinic where Sadie was the star pupil. I felt like we were showing off! Yet that very night things turned. My supply was not enough and she was getting angry. Cue the screaming baby who could not be consoled no matter what I did or how long I tried. She bounced off my breast in a screaming fit and did for so long and loud that her sweet voice turn raspy. Off I went down to the nurses station begging for help.
After an attempt was made to re-latch our nurse basically said that she wanted more than I could give her. She gave me a bottle of pre-mixed formula to dab on my breast to entice her to latch on longer and not give up. We used that for the remaining feedings that night but it wouldn't calm her. More screaming baby.
The next morning Sadie was weighed and it was determined she'd lost 7% of her birth weight. The nurses were no longer leisurely in helping with my "problem". I was told they needed to cup feed her. After I would find out from my Doula that they should have let me pump for this but instead they gave her formula. Seeing her tiny body taking in the cup feeding was heartbreaking. The guilt was starting!! Our nurse, who was a complete bitch, said that she couldn't keep cup feeding and asked "what my plan was". I said I'd pump if I couldn't breast feed so she sent me down to rent a pump and arranged one for my room while still at the hospital. I could really tell her patience was lacking - maybe because it was New Years Day and she was stuck at work? I don't know. In any case about a half an hour later she came back to my room with pre-mixed bottles and said "since I'm going to be bottle feeding I should just give this to her". WTH?
So there I was with an unhappy baby who could not be cup fed, a pump that gave me about a half ounce and 2 bottles of formula. What do you think we did? GUILT GUILT GUILT.
The response was remarkable. Our baby girl was not shrieking and was happy. Formula lesson #1 - give to screaming unhappy baby and all of your worries will go away! (I wish). Since the bottles were pre-filled it was SOOO easy. Nothing like it is at home. If there is any consolation to my situation it is that I am in bottle washing purgatory.
Day 4, we're discharged. I'm still trying to breast feed at home but it's going no where. One of the first things I do is send D to the drugstore to buy formula. After all, we're already sort of up that creek and without it we wouldn't have our paddle.
Basically every day since we've been home I've been going back and forth on what to do. I breast feed and Sadie turns into a inconsolable wreck. I formula feed and she is on a 3 hour schedule where she peacefully sleeps/eats/sleeps/eats. I'm sure any breast feeding mother (who is struggling) would be conflicted by this. I feel like I'm torturing her when I put her on my breast. It isn't fun at all.
Last night I pretty much quit. I was set on formula feeding but this morning I woke up and the elusive "swollen, leaky breasts" finally appeared. I'm not sure where this leaves me. I was able to express quite a bit of milk for the first time yet I stuck with formula for the day. Now, my breasts are leaking and I'm about to pump. Not sure what I'll do... I'm so confused. Of course this is not a time to turn to my doula who naturally thinks that I will regret this my entire life if I quit.
As for the bottle feeding. If ANYONE reading this is formula feeding and has any advice on how to make the prep easier - please let me know. It's taking me so long. I'm pretty much MANIC about it right now. The scary warnings on the canister... the public health nurse who gave me instructions befitting a 3rd world country.... OMG. I feel like I'm going to transmit some horrible bacteria to Sadie.
I just don't know what to do.
Help.
Confusion
Shame
Breast Feeding is not what I expected it to be at all. It has been day after day of self doubt and loathing - wishing I could "perform" and feeling lazy when I've given in to supplementing because it is so easy and has a positive effect. I haven't made up my mind what I want to do. Will my milk be there tomorrow if I change my mind? I can't figure out how can something that was so important to me turn into something so disposable? It seems like I'm destined to formula feed.
Things started out OK in the hospital. Sadie had a good latch that we started working on in the recovery room after my c-section. I spent a lot of time the next day with her close to me trying to breast feed. For the most part it seemed to be working. On Day 2 we attended the hospital's Breast Feeding Clinic where Sadie was the star pupil. I felt like we were showing off! Yet that very night things turned. My supply was not enough and she was getting angry. Cue the screaming baby who could not be consoled no matter what I did or how long I tried. She bounced off my breast in a screaming fit and did for so long and loud that her sweet voice turn raspy. Off I went down to the nurses station begging for help.
After an attempt was made to re-latch our nurse basically said that she wanted more than I could give her. She gave me a bottle of pre-mixed formula to dab on my breast to entice her to latch on longer and not give up. We used that for the remaining feedings that night but it wouldn't calm her. More screaming baby.
The next morning Sadie was weighed and it was determined she'd lost 7% of her birth weight. The nurses were no longer leisurely in helping with my "problem". I was told they needed to cup feed her. After I would find out from my Doula that they should have let me pump for this but instead they gave her formula. Seeing her tiny body taking in the cup feeding was heartbreaking. The guilt was starting!! Our nurse, who was a complete bitch, said that she couldn't keep cup feeding and asked "what my plan was". I said I'd pump if I couldn't breast feed so she sent me down to rent a pump and arranged one for my room while still at the hospital. I could really tell her patience was lacking - maybe because it was New Years Day and she was stuck at work? I don't know. In any case about a half an hour later she came back to my room with pre-mixed bottles and said "since I'm going to be bottle feeding I should just give this to her". WTH?
So there I was with an unhappy baby who could not be cup fed, a pump that gave me about a half ounce and 2 bottles of formula. What do you think we did? GUILT GUILT GUILT.
The response was remarkable. Our baby girl was not shrieking and was happy. Formula lesson #1 - give to screaming unhappy baby and all of your worries will go away! (I wish). Since the bottles were pre-filled it was SOOO easy. Nothing like it is at home. If there is any consolation to my situation it is that I am in bottle washing purgatory.
Day 4, we're discharged. I'm still trying to breast feed at home but it's going no where. One of the first things I do is send D to the drugstore to buy formula. After all, we're already sort of up that creek and without it we wouldn't have our paddle.
Basically every day since we've been home I've been going back and forth on what to do. I breast feed and Sadie turns into a inconsolable wreck. I formula feed and she is on a 3 hour schedule where she peacefully sleeps/eats/sleeps/eats. I'm sure any breast feeding mother (who is struggling) would be conflicted by this. I feel like I'm torturing her when I put her on my breast. It isn't fun at all.
Last night I pretty much quit. I was set on formula feeding but this morning I woke up and the elusive "swollen, leaky breasts" finally appeared. I'm not sure where this leaves me. I was able to express quite a bit of milk for the first time yet I stuck with formula for the day. Now, my breasts are leaking and I'm about to pump. Not sure what I'll do... I'm so confused. Of course this is not a time to turn to my doula who naturally thinks that I will regret this my entire life if I quit.
As for the bottle feeding. If ANYONE reading this is formula feeding and has any advice on how to make the prep easier - please let me know. It's taking me so long. I'm pretty much MANIC about it right now. The scary warnings on the canister... the public health nurse who gave me instructions befitting a 3rd world country.... OMG. I feel like I'm going to transmit some horrible bacteria to Sadie.
I just don't know what to do.
Help.
I can't blog
...because I can't put Sadie down. I'm addicted. She's in our arms around 70% of the day and only goes in her crib at night when I sleep (not comfortable with co-sleeping)
I'm so in love!
My little Thumb Sucker:
Sadie is such a mini-me. when I was a child I would suck my thumb and twirl my hair and Sadie does it too! Her hands are always in position - all she needs is more hair! It's crazy!!
Belly Button:
Last night Sadie's umbilical cord stump fell off leaving behind this cute little button. I wish D was given the chance to cut the cord at birth but I guess that isn't an option with C-Sections? She was also cleaned so quickly neither of us saw her straight out of the womb. I would have loved a messy picture!!
Still working on the birth story!!
I'm so in love!
My little Thumb Sucker:
Sadie is such a mini-me. when I was a child I would suck my thumb and twirl my hair and Sadie does it too! Her hands are always in position - all she needs is more hair! It's crazy!!
Belly Button:
Last night Sadie's umbilical cord stump fell off leaving behind this cute little button. I wish D was given the chance to cut the cord at birth but I guess that isn't an option with C-Sections? She was also cleaned so quickly neither of us saw her straight out of the womb. I would have loved a messy picture!!
Still working on the birth story!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Happy ONE WEEK Birthday Sadie!!!
One week ago at this very time I would have been in the OR being prepped for my c-section, scared out of my mind, and begging/screaming for Ativan. Sadie would be arriving shortly at 12:45 am and our lives would change forever. I'm tearing up just thinking about it... what an amazing week!!!!
So much has happened and things are still hectic so this will be quick.... but with lots of pictures because that's the fun part anyway!
Brief update on things I'd like to blog about if/when coherent again:
1) Birth Story/Hospital stay - working on this!! I want to document it all and never forget it!
2) Breast Feeding = FAIL
3) Pediatrician = WINNER
4) Are stretch marks supposed to hurt more than your c-section? HOLY COW... ouch!
5) Our awesome Doula
Pic #2 - D says she looks like a little rapper in this one when really I'm just holding her too tight! Check out her LONG fingers. It's crazy!! That is a donor trait because I have short baby fingers!
Pic #4 - Starting the Disney Indoctrination early
So much has happened and things are still hectic so this will be quick.... but with lots of pictures because that's the fun part anyway!
Brief update on things I'd like to blog about if/when coherent again:
1) Birth Story/Hospital stay - working on this!! I want to document it all and never forget it!
2) Breast Feeding = FAIL
3) Pediatrician = WINNER
4) Are stretch marks supposed to hurt more than your c-section? HOLY COW... ouch!
5) Our awesome Doula
Pic#1 - Sadie's "WTF" face. We get this often as she questions our choices!
Pic #2 - D says she looks like a little rapper in this one when really I'm just holding her too tight! Check out her LONG fingers. It's crazy!! That is a donor trait because I have short baby fingers!
Pic #3 - First trip to the pediatrician. Oops, looks like that hat may be too big!
Pic #4 - Starting the Disney Indoctrination early
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Love at first sight....
We're home now!!!Birth story and more pictures to follow.... soon? We're so tired but so in love that it doesn't matter!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)