Frustration
Confusion
Shame
Breast Feeding is not what I expected it to be at all. It has been day after day of self doubt and loathing - wishing I could "perform" and feeling lazy when I've given in to supplementing because it is so easy and has a positive effect. I haven't made up my mind what I want to do. Will my milk be there tomorrow if I change my mind? I can't figure out how can something that was so important to me turn into something so disposable? It seems like I'm destined to formula feed.
Things started out OK in the hospital. Sadie had a good latch that we started working on in the recovery room after my c-section. I spent a lot of time the next day with her close to me trying to breast feed. For the most part it seemed to be working. On Day 2 we attended the hospital's Breast Feeding Clinic where Sadie was the star pupil. I felt like we were showing off! Yet that very night things turned. My supply was not enough and she was getting angry. Cue the screaming baby who could not be consoled no matter what I did or how long I tried. She bounced off my breast in a screaming fit and did for so long and loud that her sweet voice turn raspy. Off I went down to the nurses station begging for help.
After an attempt was made to re-latch our nurse basically said that she wanted more than I could give her. She gave me a bottle of pre-mixed formula to dab on my breast to entice her to latch on longer and not give up. We used that for the remaining feedings that night but it wouldn't calm her. More screaming baby.
The next morning Sadie was weighed and it was determined she'd lost 7% of her birth weight. The nurses were no longer leisurely in helping with my "problem". I was told they needed to cup feed her. After I would find out from my Doula that they should have let me pump for this but instead they gave her formula. Seeing her tiny body taking in the cup feeding was heartbreaking. The guilt was starting!! Our nurse, who was a complete bitch, said that she couldn't keep cup feeding and asked "what my plan was". I said I'd pump if I couldn't breast feed so she sent me down to rent a pump and arranged one for my room while still at the hospital. I could really tell her patience was lacking - maybe because it was New Years Day and she was stuck at work? I don't know. In any case about a half an hour later she came back to my room with pre-mixed bottles and said "since I'm going to be bottle feeding I should just give this to her". WTH?
So there I was with an unhappy baby who could not be cup fed, a pump that gave me about a half ounce and 2 bottles of formula. What do you think we did? GUILT GUILT GUILT.
The response was remarkable. Our baby girl was not shrieking and was happy. Formula lesson #1 - give to screaming unhappy baby and all of your worries will go away! (I wish). Since the bottles were pre-filled it was SOOO easy. Nothing like it is at home. If there is any consolation to my situation it is that I am in bottle washing purgatory.
Day 4, we're discharged. I'm still trying to breast feed at home but it's going no where. One of the first things I do is send D to the drugstore to buy formula. After all, we're already sort of up that creek and without it we wouldn't have our paddle.
Basically every day since we've been home I've been going back and forth on what to do. I breast feed and Sadie turns into a inconsolable wreck. I formula feed and she is on a 3 hour schedule where she peacefully sleeps/eats/sleeps/eats. I'm sure any breast feeding mother (who is struggling) would be conflicted by this. I feel like I'm torturing her when I put her on my breast. It isn't fun at all.
Last night I pretty much quit. I was set on formula feeding but this morning I woke up and the elusive "swollen, leaky breasts" finally appeared. I'm not sure where this leaves me. I was able to express quite a bit of milk for the first time yet I stuck with formula for the day. Now, my breasts are leaking and I'm about to pump. Not sure what I'll do... I'm so confused. Of course this is not a time to turn to my doula who naturally thinks that I will regret this my entire life if I quit.
As for the bottle feeding. If ANYONE reading this is formula feeding and has any advice on how to make the prep easier - please let me know. It's taking me so long. I'm pretty much MANIC about it right now. The scary warnings on the canister... the public health nurse who gave me instructions befitting a 3rd world country.... OMG. I feel like I'm going to transmit some horrible bacteria to Sadie.
I just don't know what to do.
Help.
You can buy the premixed formula in a can. You can open it and put it into bottles in the fridge and then heat them in a cup of hot water while changing her or whatever it is you do first. You may even be able to buy the pre maid bottles like the hospital uses off the formula website.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI know it probably sounds trite and easy, coming from somebody not on that side yet, but I've been thinking about this a long, long time, because I'm unsure as to how I feel about breastfeeding myself. If it's working today, then go with it today. But please don't punish yourself. Your job is to do the best you can for your baby, no matter what form that takes, and you're doing it. ♥
As Shiney said, it can be bought pre-mixed in a can, though that's much more expensive. You can mix a bunch at a time, put it in a pitcher and keep that in the fridge, ready to go. Or mix a bunch at a time in a pitcher, pour it into the bottles and keep them in the fridge, ready to go. You don't actually have to heat it up (unless your baby won't take it unless it's warm - and that goes for breastmilk, too, actually), it's perfectly fine at room temp, or even at fridge temp, as long as the baby doesn't reject it. And most of my FF mom friends carry around bottles filled with the appropriate amount of water when they're on the go, and then just add powdered formula and shake.
I'll either be pumping or supplementing with formula if we don't FF, so we have been buying bottles, and we've gone with the drop-ins (and hope like hell the baby likes them okay) to avoid the bottle-washing purgatory. Instead it'll just be nipple-washing...
Much love and hugs to you.
breast feeding is very very hard and this isn't really acknowledged. my 2 month old lost weight and we had to supplement initially. I pumped A LOT to make sure milk supply didn't diminish. BF also HURT and I cried each time baby went to breast and he also started screaming each time. I was so demoralized. We got lactation consulting, gave baby 1/2 oz expressed BM or formula first to sate hunger, then Breast fed, then more supplement if needed. then got best advice - do skin on skin with both naked and let baby "crawl" down to breast which he did and latched on, stopped screaming and started sucking in actual milk which filled him up. AND i got prescription APNO for pain. Call or write to la leche for support if you want this. Also if you don't do, don't be too hard on self, motherhood is hard enough.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I had no success with Riley but was able to bf Jackson. It does depend on the baby and your comfort level. Jackson was still hell to get into the place we're at now. It isn't easy!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I do recommend, even though every lactation clinic will shun them, NIPPLE SHIELDS. (made by Avent available at Toys R Us) why? They make it easy. They seriously make the baby latch whether the latch is good or not and they helped me bf Jackson for the first 3 months (now we don't need them). Also, it was the only way I could get Riley to latch at all.
I pumped for 2 months for Riley. I hated it. I felt guilty. In the end, I don't care. I did what worked best for us. People can shove breastfeeding down your throat constantly but every situation is different and it isn't always easy. I know people who produce too much foremilk and it would've been hell to keep up the bfing.
In the end, formula is okay. We use Good Start because Riley got constipated on Enfamil A+ and Good Start is easier to digest since it's partly broken down. We used the same for Jackson at first because I didn't exclusively breastfeed those first few days.
In the beginning there were a few nights where I didn't produce enough so I'd supplement for a happy baby. Your body has a tough time adjusting perfectly at first.
In the beginning we used those small bottles of premade formula and then the cans. Just use at room temperature--no need to heat. Then we used the powder stuff when the baby got older. You can buy containers with sections and premeasure the formula scoops so you have 3 or 4 bottles measured and ready to go. You can fill up the bottles with water and put them in the fridge and then heat when ready. For the nighttime feeding, we'd leave a room temperature water filled bottle in the room with premeasured formula. Dump and shake and feed. Sooo easy.
Even if you can do some breastfeeding, I think it's beneficial for both of you. I feel like at least Riley got some breastmilk. She's extremely smart and healthy and petite. Formula didn't screw her up or anything. ;)
Don't beat yourself up over it. Breastfeeding is hard. It really is. I cried both times with frustration over it. I can tell you that if you get it working, it is easier than formula especially in the middle of the night when you learn to feed lying down...omg I love breastfeeding because of how easy it is. So if it works for you, awesome. If not, don't worry.
You can check with Dr. Jack Newman if you want...an expert on breastfeeding with a clinic up in North York. http://www.drjacknewman.com/
He hates nipple shields but whatever...worked for me and others I know. And if it gets you to breastfeed then what's the problem? :)
As for bottles, we used the dishwasher sanitization cycle this time around. Do you have that? If not, we had a TON of bottles and just washed them and then used a microwave sanitizer case. Do you have bottles??? If you want, you could borrow some...we have BornFree bottles...tons of them.
p.s. Riley screamed as you're describing and I HATED trying to breastfeed with her. She was having none of it.
ReplyDeletep.p.s. it does hurt initially and I found the nipple shields take away most of the pain. That's why I used them for 3 months and gave up when the pain seemed to be gone. It is also related to the baby's latch though...
Aw, try not to beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can for your baby. Breastfeeding is really hard. I would recommend getting a recommendation for a lactation consultant. My pediatrician referred us to a great one who really helped us tremendously. Not all LCs are created equally, though, so if you aren't happy with the first one, try another. And if you end up going with formula, it doesn't reflect on you as a parent. You've given it your all - that is obvious from your post. Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide! {{{}}}
ReplyDeleteBreastfeeding is HARD, I was totally unprepared for how difficult it would be. I cried at most feedings for about two weeks. If you want to keep trying, I'd suggest finding a good lactation consultant (maybe call la leche) who will have the time and patience to sit and work with you through several nursing sessions. That can make a huge difference.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you go the formula route, try to let go of the guilt -- motherhood is hard enough without punishing yourself. Sadie will do great and thrive either way. You are a wonderful mom! ((()))
Kim successfully breastfed Erik for 7 months. Ian? Not so much. I'm not sure if you were reading my blog for the first month or so after he was born but it was HELL. Sounds similar to what you're going through - her milk was just not satisfying him. We went to the lactation consultant but in the end, breastfeeding this time around was just too hard and didn't fit in with our lifestyle. We switched to bottles and formula and Kim says it was the best decision she's ever made. Of course, it took a while to come to that decision and she experienced guilt and frustration etc. In the end, because breastfeeding was THAT stressful, it was affecting every single aspect of our life. Everyone in the house was unhappy and we both felt like we weren't bonding with Ian. We've since discovered that he has a poor suck and probably wasn't getting enough despite her feeding him for hours on end. How the lactation clinic missed that, I have no idea, but we don't regret our decision. We did what worked for our family.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying to give up breastfeeding if you don't want to. I'm just saying if you do, don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is the baby eats and everyone gets some rest and your family is happy.
If you do keep trying, I would also recommend nipple shields like Stacey said. Kim tried them and they were the only reason she could continue trying for a while.
My advice about bottles... definitely use the sanitize option on your dishwasher if you have it rather than handwashing. Also, go out and buy a few Avent formula dispensers (http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Avent-Formula-Dispenser-BPA-Free/dp/B0006BAJIG). You can get them at Toys R Us. They are wonderful. It has slots for 3 feedings of formula powder, you just twirl the lid to a spot and dump the right amount of powder into the bottle of water.
We bring baby bottles with water in them into our room at night, along with the Avent formula dispenser with the pre-measured formula powder in them. You get up in the night, dump the formula into the water and you're good to go. It's so easy and you don't have to go to the kitchen. We give the formula at room temperature which makes life a lot easier when you're out and can't find anywhere to warm a bottle and you have a screaming baby... if your baby is used to room temp, you don't have to worry about any of that.
We also boil water, cool it, and keep a large jug of it on the counter for feedings.
I did not read anyone else's comments. I want to tell you my own personal experience. I breastfed my baby my whole maternity leave(7 weeks). It was really stressful and extremely painful but I did it. I did not have problems expressing and pumping. I think now that your milk is coming in nicely, you should try to stick with breastfeeding. When I went back to work, I pumped as much as I could and supplemented with formula until my daughter was 6 months. I don't regret going through the stress and pain and I think you should keep going with it. It is a really wonderful experience.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you don't breastfeed and decide to formula feed, you shouldn't feel guilty because formula is a very healthy alternative to breastfeeding.
I wish you and your family much luck and health and happiness.