Our Donor

Units became available today (they sent me an e-mail). I was so excited I replied back that I wanted 5 vials – we already have 1 in storage. Unfortunately they only have 1 washed unit available!! Damn it!!! I was assured that he is “still in the program” and more will become available. I’ll also stay at the top of the wait list.
I guess this is good news. I’m happy to hear our donor is still donating. I’m also happy that we now have 2 units available instead of just 1.
What does suck is that I’m already worrying about future TTC attempts when I’m still barely confident about being pregnant with #1! I realized this the other day as we were dreaming up future vacations (we’re on a vacation freeze this year as a new year’s resolution). I was thinking about summer 2 years from now and I realized with a good dose of terror that we’d likely be TTC again by then. Trust me -- I’m giving myself a good slap across the face for being so stupid. I feel blessed that we have so far been successful once and I need to RELAX and not think about anything else. The point of my ramble is that as I prepare for the future I wonder if I can even go through this again. Being pregnant does not take the pain away from what you’ve experienced. In fact, I think what I’ve experienced has taken the pleasure out of being pregnant.
Tomorrow is my 10 week scan and (FX) my graduation day from the clinic. Hopefully after this appointment I'll feel more confident and maybe even believe this is going to happen!!

I fell AGAIN

This time I fell in the bathtub. I hurt my shoulder and that seems to be it. It was a slow fall because I grabbed onto the towel rack (ripped it clear out of the wall) and then grabbed onto the shower curtain (ripped it down).
Our bathroom is in pretty rough shape right now. God, I hope the baby is ok! Who cares about the bathroom!

Updates...

I do not have bad morning sickness at all. I just feel gross all the time. It’s like perpetual sea sickness. Most often it is not enough to throw up but it’s always there. I’m also extremely tired all the time and can barely eat at all. For what it’s worth, I feel extremely blessed that what I’m experiencing is not worse and I’m actually happy to be feeling pregnant. I really feel for those of you who suffer extreme symptoms.
That said I’m weak and shaky. I’m certain the only vitamins I’m getting are in my prenatal. I’m even having a hard time with flat water and have resorted to drinking Perrier. I don’t know what to do about this and I’m having a hard time believing I will ever enjoy food again. Honestly, I never would have guessed that PLAIN spaghetti with no sauce would be desirable but it’s all I want to eat right now. I wanted to eat better and I had been eating well up until about 2 weeks ago. Now I’m just trying to get by. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m also grieving the loss of Frank.
Boo.
In other news, we haven’t bought our car yet. I can’t believe how badly I procrastinate. It has always been hard for us to justify owning because we live downtown. The reason we’d be taking the plunge now is because I want to have a car before my appointments increase and the baby. The unfortunate truth is that downtown public transportation (Streetcars and Subways) are not suitable to infants in strollers. We live on a subway route and our station is not accessible. Only about 40% of stations are. It’s a total pain.We’ve also started to seriously consider leaving downtown and Toronto. It’s amazing the look of horror I see on my friends faces when I say this. People can’t believe that we’d ever move but I think we may be ready. My tolerance for all things downtown is decreasing. Things are annoying me more than ever and it will only get worse over the summer with an increase in tourists and events like Pride and Carabana (both make me want to run for the hills). Ultimately we will stay in the condo through my mat leave so that I can have the amenities of downtown (including our doctor) close by. After that we will see what happens but I doubt we will be staying in the city

Goodbye Love - RIP Frank - May 21, 2009

Well, we did it.
We decided to go and say goodbye but opted out of being present during the procedure. I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk away and I was almost ready to say I didn’t want to see him at all. In the end we did see him and I’m very happy we made that decision.
We went last night after work. As we were arriving I called from my cell and asked them to prepare all of the paper work so I wouldn’t have to line up and explain in person why I was there. They had my invoice ready ($476!) and the form for me to sign. I was quickly rushed through. I paid, signed the form and we were able to go back and see Frank. I was shocked to see that he was sedated. I know that is the first step in euthanizing an animal but I thought they’d wait until we left. Frank doesn’t handle sedation well as we know from our last emergency when he nearly suffocated on our stairs after “falling asleep” face first. I also asked if he was still on pain killers and the vet said “oh yeah” in a way that meant “obviously”. When I had called on Wednesday morning I was told he needed meds the night before and that really upset me. I didn’t take him to the vet in pain. I hope and pray that whatever they did to restrain him on Tuesday night did not cause an injury.
At that point the vet left and we were given privacy for as long as we needed. During our time with him we took turns holding him and petting him. It was emotional. We had to be extremely careful because if we touched his backend he would cry and growl in pain. We’ll never know what happened to him and I’m sad that this week turned out the way it has. Before I saw him I was feeling a lot of guilt about our motivation. I asked myself many times if my pregnancy was affecting our decision. Having a cat who is defecating around is never appealing but it turns into something horrifying when you add a baby into the mix. The truth is that we were right and it was time. I was at peace saying goodbye and I have no feelings of regret. I didn’t need to be pulled away screaming and I had no urge to run back in and yell “stop”. In reality, If we had prolonged this it would have been selfish. We didn’t need to put him through exploratory x-rays to find out what was wrong. In the end we felt we’d still be in the same place but only after putting him through hell and us into the poor house. As it was, the nearly $500 bill was shocking. I don’t know specifically what that was for and I didn’t ask or get a copy of the invoice. We did end up choosing a private cremation with the return of his ashes for $165. I didn't like the idea of a public cremation, it made me feel sick. He’s my special boy and always will be. RIP Frankie. I love you.

Not Happy (not pregnancy related)

With all of the GOOD news yesterday I also had to suffer some bad news.
My beloved Frank is up to his shenanigans, again.
God, I love this cat but he has caused us so much turmoil over the years. He's such a heart breaker. We've had him on anti-depressants for almost 3 years now to try to stop him from urinating on our carpets. It's worked for the most part but he still slips up and currently urinates on our bath mat on a regular basis.
He's aggressive. Very aggressive. It's caused us to segregate him from our elderly cat so that he does not hurt her. At times I'm afraid of him.
He's not all bad. He's 70% Angel and 30% Devil. The vet LOVES him. They seem to only see his "Angel" side.
Things have recently gotten worse.
Frank has taken to pooping around the condo. I'm embarrassed to even admit this! We come home/wake up to presents on the stairs, in the kitchen in the hallway, etc. etc. I can't put up with this. I can't live in a home where cat poop is everywhere and we can't control it. He also seems to be in an amount of pain because we've caught him "in the act", he GROANS. Pregnancy dangers aside, this is just DISGUSTING.
I took Frank to the vet yesterday to discuss the issues we've been having.
The vet we had was a total idiot. He said there wasn't much he could do about him not using his kitty litter. He suggested I put a kitty litter box in the areas where he is having his accidents. I told him that was impossible. That we already have 2 kitty litter boxes and we cannot have them all over the condo. He's not picking a single spot. He's doing it randomly. The doctor then stuck a thermometer up his ass and Frank lost his shit (figuratively). It was bad. They put a muzzle on him and took him in the back area to draw blood and do a physical exam.
The sounds I heard were horrific. When the door swung open I saw at least 4 people hovered over him trying to calm him down. Along with the yelps/groans/screams I heard someone say "the muzzle, the muzzle, get it, get it". It was like they were dealing with Hannibal Lecter. I didn't know what to do so I just stood in the exam room and waited until I couldn't bear it any longer. I went out and spoke to the assistants at the front and said I had to board him. I refused to bring him home after all that had happened.
They agreed and I left him there.
The thing is...I don't think I'm going back to get him. Ever.
I feel like a monster. I think the vet finally saw the 30% devil and/or Frank is terribly sick. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I can't do this anymore. D and I have had this discussion over the years but the thought of taking an animal to put them down has just horrified us. Especially when the issues we have dealt with have been psychological, not physical. Now that Frank is there it seems like this might be our time to deal with the issue. Finally. We also suspect there is something wrong such as renal failure but we don't even want to wait to find out.
Our condo was so peaceful last night. We weren't worrying about where he was or what he was doing. It felt good. I felt good that my beloved pet was not there.
We have to figure out what we're going to do. All I know is that he is not coming home. I don't want to give him up. I want him to be put down. I don't think it is fair to anyone to pass along this problem. Frank had a good home with us for 8 years. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in a shelter. He's clearly un-adoptable. I just hope that our vet agrees. Every time I bring this up with the vet they do not respect my wishes. In some ways I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I feel that I have the right as a pet owner who has done 200% for an animal to make this final decision.
I'll be calling them today.

Excellent!

Our baby is measuring 7 weeks 6 days (2 days ahead) with a heartbeat of 177 bpm. Our new EDD is December 30th (from January 1st).

Dr. P was happy with the results and we are too! I'm back in 2 weeks for another u/s.

Here's our picture:

I'm starting to get excited now....!!!

Almost there...

I'm about an hour away from heading over to the clinic for our first ultrasound. I'm both nervous and excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time to start drinking some water.