Goodbye Love - RIP Frank - May 21, 2009

Well, we did it.
We decided to go and say goodbye but opted out of being present during the procedure. I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk away and I was almost ready to say I didn’t want to see him at all. In the end we did see him and I’m very happy we made that decision.
We went last night after work. As we were arriving I called from my cell and asked them to prepare all of the paper work so I wouldn’t have to line up and explain in person why I was there. They had my invoice ready ($476!) and the form for me to sign. I was quickly rushed through. I paid, signed the form and we were able to go back and see Frank. I was shocked to see that he was sedated. I know that is the first step in euthanizing an animal but I thought they’d wait until we left. Frank doesn’t handle sedation well as we know from our last emergency when he nearly suffocated on our stairs after “falling asleep” face first. I also asked if he was still on pain killers and the vet said “oh yeah” in a way that meant “obviously”. When I had called on Wednesday morning I was told he needed meds the night before and that really upset me. I didn’t take him to the vet in pain. I hope and pray that whatever they did to restrain him on Tuesday night did not cause an injury.
At that point the vet left and we were given privacy for as long as we needed. During our time with him we took turns holding him and petting him. It was emotional. We had to be extremely careful because if we touched his backend he would cry and growl in pain. We’ll never know what happened to him and I’m sad that this week turned out the way it has. Before I saw him I was feeling a lot of guilt about our motivation. I asked myself many times if my pregnancy was affecting our decision. Having a cat who is defecating around is never appealing but it turns into something horrifying when you add a baby into the mix. The truth is that we were right and it was time. I was at peace saying goodbye and I have no feelings of regret. I didn’t need to be pulled away screaming and I had no urge to run back in and yell “stop”. In reality, If we had prolonged this it would have been selfish. We didn’t need to put him through exploratory x-rays to find out what was wrong. In the end we felt we’d still be in the same place but only after putting him through hell and us into the poor house. As it was, the nearly $500 bill was shocking. I don’t know specifically what that was for and I didn’t ask or get a copy of the invoice. We did end up choosing a private cremation with the return of his ashes for $165. I didn't like the idea of a public cremation, it made me feel sick. He’s my special boy and always will be. RIP Frankie. I love you.