Christmas

I was determined to not let a BFN ruin Christmas and it hasn't. I thought I'd be more upset but I think I'm just completely worn out by this process and no longer have the strength to be upset by it.
Christmas Eve
We both had to work Christmas Eve but we were out of work by noon. I hope the same will hold true for New Years eve! We had the entire afternoon to prepare for a trip into Hamilton and Burlington to visit our family. First up was seeing D's mom. Due to the family drama we had to see her Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day. She was going to be at D's brother's house for Christmas and we're not allowed there! She got us a new Dishwasher!!
Afterwards we went to my father's house. He has an open house on Christmas Eve which is a lot of fun. My Aunt was there (mom's sister) and I can't even believe the present she gave me! About 13 years ago my Nana had given me a heart shaped locket. It was a present from her brother to her on on her 18th birthday. My mom was so upset and she refused to let me keep it. She said my Nana had said she could have it. Well my Nana passed away in March 2005 followed by my Papa in September 2007. My mother and her sisters sorted out the estate and in the end I was left with nothing. I asked my mother about the locket many times and she kept saying she didn't know where it was. I had actually given up on it. Imagine my surprise when my Aunt gave me the small box. I wasn't sure if it was going to be the locket but it was! She said that I was meant to have it. I asked if my mother would be upset and she told me "never mind, this was meant to be yours". Could anyone ask for a better present? I love it so much!
D and I then spent the night at my dad's so that I could be with my brother when he opened his presents.
Christmas Day
My brother slept in until 7:45 am. What a relief! We thought for sure he'd be up at 5:00 am. The morning was very hectic. My brother loved the Guitar Hero for DS I bought him. He loved it so much I think it may have been his favourite present (much to the dismay of my parents). D and I were spoiled as usual. We got a Wii Fit (I've known about that for months), a new blender, a Fire Box and a bunch of other cool stuff. We stayed for Christmas Dinner before heading home. Since we normally go to my dad's for Christmas we open presents Christmas night. We were supposed to only have bought stocking stuffers this year because of New York City but we didn't follow that rule. The good news is that I think we maintained a reasonable budget and didn't got crazy. D got me an American Girl Doll. Yes, it's silly but I've always wanted one. Anyway, she got me Kit because I look most like her.


D got me the movie Kit Kittridge as well. Sort of as a joke because of the doll but it is a cute movie. I also got Mamma Mia on Blu-ray and was pleased to see it came with a digital copy for my iPod Touch. I got D American Idol for PS3, Guitar Hero World Tour, Sleeping Beauty and the first Season of Chuck on Blu-Ray.
Boxing Day
Christmas is exhausting. I slept most of the day on Boxing day but we had to return our rental car (bummer). Since we returned it at Union Station we walked through the mall (Eaton Centre) on our way home. It was sooooo busy! I had bought D a $30 gift Card to Future Shop so she could buy a new Sims game but it was just too busy to even think about shopping. We went home instead and started watching our new movies and played American Idol.

It's back to work on Monday. Oh well. I'm looking forward to New Years Eve because we have tickets to see the Raptors. Only a few more days!

13 DPI

Still BFN...

Excuses are coming in my mind. Like I remember my Christmas Ticker saying 11 days until Christmas when I went in for my first IUI so I feel like today is not actually 13 DPI but I count on my calendar and it tells me I'm 13 DPI. I also hold out a bit of hope since my Ovidrel BFP which was less than 48 hours after the trigger was a super faint line when I've read others testing 6 to 7 days later to "get rid of the HCG". I wonder if I'm one of those people who will get a late BFP on a HPT (or none at all). Ultimately I know these are just excuses for a BFN. My blood test is scheduled for Monday.

Through all of this D has completely lost faith in my ability to get pregnant. It makes me so sad. She thinks we need to move on to IVF. She says this like IVF will be a walk in the park for me. I don't think she gets how much my body has already been through for this process. I need to call my insurance provider (Sunlife) to see if they'll cover injectibles. So far they have not covered Clomid or Progesterone so I doubt it. I wish D was in a position to carry because I'm sick of being the one responsible for ruining our dreams of having children. I'm also sick of constantly feeling like I've done something wrong during the 2WW to make the pregnancy not stick.

I have an appointment with the new clinic on January 13th so we'll be sitting out January. Our only option otherwise was to do an unmedicated cycle since our current clinic will be closed on my Day 3. I feel like a lost cause so there is no point for an unmedicated cycle. If I can't get pregnant with 2 great follicles then letting me go natural seems like a waste of sperm.

This SUCKS.
Fuck You 2008. What a year of disappointment.

11 DPI - BFN

Here we go again...

10 DPI

I haven’t been online because D and I were in NYC. We had fun although it was very, very cold. I’ll do a write-up of the trip (with pictures) later.

I just realized that I’m in the home stretch of the 2WW. For some reason I thought I was at 8 or 9 DPI but today is actually 10 DPI. I’ve tested twice but not for obsessive reasons. The first was less than 48 hours after I took the Ovidrel shot. I wanted to see what a BFP looked like. The line was there but I expected it to be darker. It looked exactly like my BFP in July. The second try was on Monday morning. I wanted to make sure all of the HCG was gone and it was.

Now that I know its 10 DPI I’m itching to test for real and may pick up some P-sticks tonight. When I got the BFP in July I was having symptoms and right now I feel pretty normal. I am hoping and praying that this is the try that works. We haven’t really discussed what to do next if it is a BFN. I don’t even want to think about that.

2WW

I'm at 3/2 DPI right now and I'm feeling pretty numb. We're talking about names and are joking about twins but deep down I'm preparing myself for a BFN.
Way back in the spring my friend told me she was pregnant. She conceived on the cycle of my 5th try with a due date a few days off what mine would have been. That was the last cycle I checked due dates. It's just too upsetting when they come and go.

Time goes by so quickly - she had her daugther on Monday. Honestly, I feel like I've been left behind by so many people and it will never be my turn.

1 DPI

I'm just back from my second IUI. BOTH follicles released.
Now I sit and wait.
I've got plenty to keep me busy with traveling to NYC and Christmas of course. My official day for my pregnancy test is December 28th!

I hope and pray this one works!

0 DPI

I had my first IUI this morning at 11:30 am. I liked the doctor who performed it because she was extremely gentle.
My LH was still on the low side, only 45. Normally I'm much higher for the first IUI. Needless to say I do not regret having the second vial for tomorrow - at all. Two insemination's is a really hard habit to break.
We are hemorrhaging money right now. Just today I spent $100 on the Ovidrel shot and $144 on Progesterone. Add to that another $150 to reactivate my cellphone and pay my past due bill. I forgot that I had a pre-auth payment plan so when I lost my wallet back in October I didn't give them my new Visa number. I actually thought the payment was coming out of my debit account but everything is so automated I missed it.
I hope someone gives us money for Christmas!!