Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and advice.
I'm now taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle to try and boost my milk supply. I've only had a couple of days where it felt like I actually had any supply at all. I hope it works.
The plan right now is to BF Sadie prior to giving her formula. I have no idea how much she is getting because of this but the goal right now is to at least bring in my milk. Pumping is NOT going well. I'm still only about to get 0.5-1 oz after pumping for 20+ minutes.
I don't think I will be exclusively breast feeding at this point. Sadie is doing well on formula and our pediatrician made me feel like less of a monster for having her on it. What I want is to provide as much breast milk as I can and just be happy with that. Some is better than none.
I have my doula and a nurse helping out (both lactation consultants). It's stressful and I feel so lazy for having had this happen. If I had come home from the hospital Breast Feeding I may not have "quit" like I feel I have. I do not have a story of pain or suffering from my endless trying. No tears (other than those of guilt), no pain (other than regret) and I'm left with a very happy baby who eats well and sleeps well. I took the easy road and I know that....
I'm getting a bit better on bottle washing. Thank you for your advice. I did go out and buy a dispenser and I've adjusted how I make the bottles. Originally I had been prepping formula and leaving it in the fridge for 24 hours but now I'm prepping the water and adding the formula as needed. The nurse I'm working with is against this but it was recommended by our pediatrician. The nurse says I have to use the water within 30 minutes but I think she is taking the literal definition of that "rule". I'm pretty sure the "use within 30 minutes" statement means you should not leave the pot of water on the stove for 2 hours before putting the water away.
I'm also stove top boiling because I actually HATE my microwave sterilizer. I may sell it on craigslist. Unfortunately we do not have a sensitization cycle on our dishwasher although we'll look for that when we get a new one (our current died and was resurrected so we're on borrowed time right now).
Mental health wise I'm feeling BETTER. Not GREAT but better than I was when I wrote the last entry. I was certain at that point I had PPD because I was so distraught (crying on the kitchen floor while washing bottles distraught). It's hard not to say "don't beat yourself up" or "don't feel guilty" when I 100% think that my own laziness has caused the situation we're in and Sadie is the one paying for it. At the very least our peditrician is not judging me.
Off to wash bottles!! ):
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really, really hard and then throw in the sleep deprivation and the stress and everything your body is going through, and you find yourself crying on the kitchen floor. We definitely had moments like that too, even with Erik when things were going well and definitely with Ian when things were not going well. Having a newborn baby in the house, even when things are going well, is a HUGE adjustment, especially the first baby. And then you add all those other factors like trying to breastfeed, pumping, figuring out bottles, needing to run out and get stuff, not getting enough sleep, people bugging you all the time... it's a rough transition at the best of times. You're doing a good job.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up. I know where you are because I had a hard time with Riley's breastfeeding. I pumped and gave her maybe 30% (at most) of her milk as breastmilk. I stopped at 2 months because I found it difficult to enjoy motherhood with having to pump all the time. You do what works for you. As you said, some is better than none. Maybe next time it will work out because that's what happened for me.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has crying moments. It's not easy adjusting. We all have breakdowns. No one is the perfect parent...it can be difficult.
I don't get the nurse with the water. I even brought up the water issue with the guy who installed our RainSoft (water softener, chlorine remover and reverse osmosis). He said that the boiling has really been about a fear of what's in the water because it really isn't regulated well--they put too much chlorine in it, etc. If you watch the documentary "Water" there is a ton of crap in our water supply like mediciations, etc. So it's no wonder they want us to boil it. But to have boiled water go "bad" doesn't make sense. It's sealed in a bottle. We'd boil and set up bottles in the fridge for a couple days, as I recall. And the nighttime bottles would be out of the fridge on the nightstand, ready to go.
p.s. you aren't a failure for not breastfeeding. many women don't. it doesn't make you a loser or lazy. formula is not evil. look at how riley turned out...awesome...mostly formula fed. :)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I meant to comment on the water too. I don't get what the nurse is saying at all. If you boil water it isn't even cooled in 30 minutes so how are you supposed to feed it to a baby? We boil water every night for the next day and keep it in a jug.
ReplyDeleteAlso, here is what "What to E.xpe.ct the Fi.rst Ye.ar" has to say about water (this is probably a copyright infringement but anyway...) :
"It isn't necessary to sterilize the water used to mix formula by boiling it. If you're unsure about the safety of your tap water, or if you use well water that hasn't been purified, have your supply tested and, if necessary, purified. Or just use bottled water (not distilled)... Here's another step you can save: Bottles and nipples don't need to be sterilized with special equipment. Dishwashers (or sinks washing with detergent and hot water) get them clean enough. Some doctors recommend submerging bottles and nipples in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes before the first use."
And that's coming from the most stress-inducing book out there.
We still boil the water just to be safe.
Don't be so tough on yourself. You are doing what is best for you and your baby. I've heard from many moms how hard breastfeeding is so you are not alone. You are doing a great job with her!
ReplyDeleteWe ended up using non-boiled water later on with the reverse osmosis water from our tap. We used kettle boiled water at first which technically isn't boiled long enough. We didn't sterilize or run a sterilize cycle after a certain point. It really is about things being possibly unclean--sometimes overkill I think. For your second baby you're more lax too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you are feeling better. Happy two week birthday, Sadie!!
ReplyDeleteI know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm trying....
ReplyDeleteStacey/Shannon - thank you for the advice. It's good to hear from FF mothers!
I think it's true that with #2 you'll relax.. I hope so. My concern with FF is that I'm going to somehow cause some sort of food borne illness. With all the CONFLICTING info out there it is so confusing. The good news is that my ped is really down to earth (so is my family doctor) and both agreed with what I'm doing. In fact my Ped joked that he was FF and could have been Prime Minister but was just a doctor. lol I really like him!