Since the day we started our parenthood journey I have been obsessed with uncovering the identity of our donor. I have searched profiles for clues, joined the DSR, and googled a million and one times. I couldn't handle the "unknown" of the situation and I have never understood how others could be indifferent towards knowing more or seeing pictures. To anyone who asked, I'd say I was doing it for Sadie and that she has a right to this information even if it meant breaking rules and even if it was also just an obssesive mission I was on for my own satisfaction. I mean to say, we have an ID release donor so why not wait until she's 18?
- Last night I purchased 7 new photos of our donor.
- Last night I saw the man we used to conceive our daughter.
- Last night I had a major feeling of regret.
Why did I ever want to know so much? I feel like I've invited this stranger into our home and there's no turning back.
I feel like before the moment we saw his face it was easy to ignore him. He didn't exist. It was as if Sadie was 100% created from my egg alone. She was my mini-me.
Now, her face is shaped like his and she clearly had HIS eyebrows. I looked at my daughter and I saw her in a new light. I saw part of HIM.
It was a very surreal moment. It's hard to explain the true feeling.
Although I regret it then, I've moved on today. Sadie is my perfect boo and if I could meet him I'd thank him a million times over. FATE brought us to him, we only looked at one profile and it was his. Looking back now, had we seen these pictures, and had access to the rest of the database we probably wouldn't have picked him. That would have been so sad.
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We got an adult picture of our donor not that long ago and it certainly did bring him "to life".
ReplyDeleteBefore we joined the DSR, Kim was worried about seeing pictures of other kids and seeing features of Erik's in them (Ian wasn't born yet), especially if they were features she thought came from her. It was big for her too but she got past it quickly. When we saw our donor's adult picture, we were both like, "Oh yeah. That's him." We didn't regret seeing it and we felt like he was familiar.
How does D feel about it? Was it weird for her too?
I am not really hung up on genetics so I don't really think about what features come from me. Well, I might think, they have my eyes. But it wouldn't bother me to say they have the same eyes on the donor. Maybe because I was raised in a family with no genetic link to my dad that it just doesn't play a big role in my life. I don't care about seeing ourselves in our kids appearance-wise. I like seeing what they learn from us and how they develop. So for us, looking at the donor or donor siblings is interesting but not scary or discrediting to us and our role in their creation. I see Angele in our kids in so many ways and it has nothing to do with their genetic make-up. You really are more than that...
ReplyDeleteYou don't like what he looks like as an adult?
Our donor had both adult and childhood pics so it made it easier to pick him. :P
D is very ok with it all. Even when I asked her if she minded that in the end he looked NOTHING like her. I don't think we were strictly matching her features to begin with but as an adult our donor has MUCH darker skin tone/hair/eye than we had expected based on his baby picture. Kind if funny how my pale genes still won out!
ReplyDeleteStacey - not so much that we don't like what he looked like but the shock of seeing him. It made him very real. He's a buff, good looking guy that may have had a few awkward teen years. (; Much to my horror my IRL bff told me that "she'd do him, he's hot" (gag, barf).
ReplyDeletePandora's box indeed. We haven't seen a single photo of our donor and I'm really glad for it. I saw buying his donated ejaculate as the missing ingredient and not at all a piece of HIM.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have regrets, but you have your darling daughter and that's what matters. Try and think of how many people look like they could be related because they have the same eyes/ears/whatever- in the end, it doesn't mean much of anything, does it? She's in your family, he isn't.
It's funny because our donor looks nothing like me either but we get soo many comments about how the kids look like me and people who don't know often think I carried them. Erik got fair skin like me and red hair like people in my family. Ian looks just like Kim but somehow ended up with the same hair colour as me. So in a lot of ways they really look like both of us. I think Sadie looks like both of you. And I think Stacey and Angele's son Jackson looks so much like Angele.
ReplyDeleteBeyond looks, though, Erik's personality is so much like mine, it's crazy.
We had to use donors to get our kids, but we end up with the kids we're meant to have.
I'm sorry it was such a shock. We had seen both a child and adult photo of our donor, so the new pictures weren't really a surprise (though DW remarked, "What a douchelord" about one of them - hahahahaha!). I'm glad you're feeling better about things this morning. It took me quite a while to get past the unknown of using a donor, but fortunately I got there before I even got pregnant. Probably because I had to get my mom there, too. She kept talking about him like he was family and I had to constantly remind her that he most definitely was NOT. Anyway, your Sadie is perfect just the way she is, so your choice was just right!
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